BPDFamily.com

Hi.  I am very confident my wife has undiagnosed BPD, which I am still learning about.  I had learned of an affair 2 years ago and didn't handle it all too well for someone with BPD.  I ignored her for 2 days and tossed a patio chair.  She launched a distortion campaign which involved a 3 month protection order because I tossed the patio chair.  The order ends on Wednesday.

I keep going back and forth on whether I should make first contact with her.  I know she is probably concerned about Christmas with our 3 children.  I am worried because I feel if I make first contact she will use it against me (for harassment or stalking).  I am also worried that if I wait for her to call, she never will to prevent perceived abandonment from taking place.  Does anyone have any advice on what to do?

Thanks,

Staying Steady

Other than the protective order, what is the status of your marriage and legal situation? Do you want to reconcile? Divorce?

Could your lawyer make first contact?

I would also like to understand:
She had an affair, and she raised a 3 month protection order against you for "throwing a chair" (you didn't say you threw it AT HER - so I'm presuming you didn't).

How is this a relationship you want to salvage? I'm not trying to pass judgement, but i find many people in situations like this (and worse) and I cannot undertand why people want to keep going back... . 

Thanks,

I actually chose to make first contact through an invitation on facebook.  I wasn't quite sure why she had gone through such lengths as the distortion campaign with the protection order.  After talking to her she had mentioned that after our argument she began having flashbacks of being sexually abused for four years and her step dad nearly choking her mother to death.  After her mother had left because of the choking, she quickly chose to return to her husband (my wife's stepdad) because she struggled supporting herself. 

I believe she has placed me into her step dads role and now I have become a trigger for Post Traumatic Stress episodes.

My wife has consistently shown a desire to become a better person, but various BPD symptoms keep holding her back (ex. fear of abandonment, fear of taking responsibility for her own actions, inability to accept something may be wrong, etc.)

She also told me that she has begun seeing two counselors.  One counselor to deal with the trauma, and the other for all other life issues.

However, she also mentioned that she wants a divorce, but during the same conversation she mentioned how much she loved me, how she consistently thinks about how proud I would be of her for accomplishing certain goals, and for the first time ever showed me an act of love without expectation of receiving something in return.

I'm extremely confused.  I do still love her.  I understand the affair now that I've researched BPD more extensively.  I was the first partner she hadn't cheated on up to that point (she hadn't had a relationship past 2 years previously).