BPDFamily.com

While reading a couple of other threads just now I thought of something that's made me question myself before on here.

Many nons here describe their BPDex not letting them leave the house.

Well that is something that happened quite often in my relationship as well, only I was the person who tried to block the door and keep her from leaving.
However, it was not always this way. I started doing this after she would threaten suicide, run out the door, get in her car and not pick up the phone. I would panic. So after this had happened a few times, I would start to stand in front of the door and beg her to just talk to me and please not leave.

I came to learn that this just caused her to BLOW UP. I should have let her go. My instinct was to try to keep her safe in the house, and not driving around angry on the streets, standing over a bridge about to jump as she'd done before.

I can't really justify doing that, I know it wasn't right and that I made things worse that way. But I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this from the opposite angle like I have - where you're afraid to let them go because of what they might do and your inability to stop them. Other times I even begged her to take me with her and got in her car, because I knew she wouldn't crash it if I was in it too.

It's all so toxic, I know. I should have let her go and have her space to cool down, but the constant threats of suicide really traumatized me and caused this panic that I have never felt before. This is when I first started really dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. When I did just watch her leave I'd sit outside with my heart beating out of my chest wondering if she'd ever come back or if I'd get a call from the police.

Guess I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate to this or if this makes sense to anyone. I've seen so many people talk about how their BPD ex trapped them in the house that I've started to feel like I'm crazy for ever doing that.

I did it, too. One time when there was a blizzard and the road conditions were terrible (she left anyway). Other times when she'd been drinking (if she stayed, she drank more and caused a bigger scene until leaving the next day). Times she definitely didn't seem to have a very good grasp of reality, and I was worried about how she could drive while all worked up like that. Times when I was thinking 'normally' and it seemed like talking it through together would've helped clear the air much better than running away/ avoiding it, so I tried to plead the case for that. The compulsion to flee was usually too strong though so she'd split.

Hi JJacks0,

I've had the experience of my ex screaming at me not to go and clutching me, because I was trying to end the relationship. It was more intense an emotional reaction to a break-up than I had ever seen, but I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable. I've never tried to stop her myself, but I certainly would have if she were threatening to go harm herself and I thought she might.

It sounds to me like you were completely reasonable in trying to stop her from leaving if she seemed like she might do harm to herself. There are lots of ways to try to stop someone from leaving and there are lots of reasons why we might do it. Some of the ways and reasons are reasonable, some are not. Don't judge yourself too harshly if your behaviour seems to match some of that ascribed to pwBPD here. It's a good instinct for all of us to be aware of our own behaviour and how we contributed to the relationship dynamics, but we also shouldn't be too quick to see our own behaviour as "BPD" just because it fits the same very broad description.
:)

Thanks rfriesen, that made me feel better.

myself, I can relate to the drinking issue as well. Once I tried to stop her from leaving when she had been drinking and she raged so badly that cops were called by a neighbor in our apartment.

Once while she was calm and talking to me about these situations afterward, she told me that I should just let her go when she got like that, that she would calm down and be okay later.

I should have listened in some occasions but in situations where she was talking about suicide and drinking and driving, I did put up a fight. I couldn't let her go without trying to calm her down first/(sober up).

My wife had a habit of driving off when raging, sometimes with our pre-teen daughter in tow. She wasn't a good driver even when calm. We agreed in couples therapy that I would take her keys if she was unsafe to drive.

That agreement went out the window when she dysregulated, so she would drive off regardless.

You are not crazy. Your extremely empathic maybe even to almost a fault.

I think any caring person would react that way in that situation. It's hard to even know what to do.

But of course your natural response is to protect.

@JJacksO:  Sure, I did this when my BPDxW was drunk and threatening to drown herself in the River near our home.  I think it's normal to have the urge to protect one's SO from hurting herself.  It's also a toxic pattern of BPD manipulation.


@flourdust:  Same experience for me.  We would come to an agreement about her behavior during a rage, which she would break as soon as she became dis-regulated.  All part of the disorder, sad to say, which makes rational communication ineffective, in my view.

LuckyJim

My ex and I had agreements that we made in the event of a rage as well.

Once she went so far as to write herself a note. During one of the rages I brought it to her and just silently handed it to her and she ripped it up. As has been said, everything went out the window during the dysregulation.

Kind of goes to show how little control they actually do have though, at least without the right therapy and upkeep. I know she tried as much as she could to a certain extent, as was shown by her planning for future episodes. But when the time came, it took ahold of her too much. Once it got to a certain point, neither of us seemed to know what to do.

I hadn't seen this happen too terribly for quite a while, but in June (when we were trying to reconcile) she called me, livid, screaming that she would block my number and delete me on social media if I didn't answer her [loaded] question in that moment. To be fair, I didn't handle things wonderfully either - I felt defensive and was invalidating I'm sure. I hadn't found this website yet and didn't even realize how much worse I made it. We had planned on discussing something and of course I assumed that it would be a nice, calm conversation in person... .not one that was demanded upon as I was threatened over the telephone. I asked her if we could please do what we had always planned on doing when things got escalated... .if we could get off the phone, take a few minutes to calm down and then talk. She said no, if I got off the phone she'd block me and I'd never hear from her again. I told her that I just wanted us both to talk about things calmly to which she said, "I don't give a f*ck what you want."
I ended up going to her house and talking to her immediately, and that didn't go any better, as I was pretty upset about that phone call. I told her I didn't like the way it went and that I wished we could communicate better and she accused me of avoiding the actual topic. Being that the actual topic was our relationship, I felt it was fair to mention that I felt disrespected by her.

Sorry - tangent - I just got to thinking about the preventative rules that we tried to come up with together and how even still, they were always broken once she was triggered.

My ex threatened to hurt himself, would follow me around the house talking and raging and making me feel so crazy!  He was like a stress machine and raging or pressure talking for a few hours let off steam to him.  I was like a capacitor and absorbed his stress and anger.  He would feel better, I would feel horrible.  He knew this, but he never ever stopped.