BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone. I've posted before about my uBPDmom and how her pd behavior has been triggered since my fiance and I got engaged last year. I wasn't OOTF when DF proposed, and in the two months following our engagement, there was a constant stream of raging phone calls, threats, hysterics, etc from my mom as she voiced her displeasure about our wedding plans. It was at this crucial time that my T helped me come to terms with my mom's PD. This revelation, along with the tools on this site and some insightful BPD books allowed me to emerge from the fog - and reclaim my wedding. Huzzah for boundaries!  |iiii

So that is what this posting thread is going to be focused on. I am 10 months out from the wedding day, and I feel it is important to chronical mom's behavior. I will also likely mention my fMIL and fSIL, who also sadly suffer from NPD and BPD. In the past, I've found this website to be a great resource when it comes to dealing with my PD family members in a compassionate but ultimately healthy way.

The most recent issue involves the engagement party which my mom and sister/MOH are planning. My mom asked for a guest list for the party, which I emailed to her. I carefully wrote in the email that this guest list particularly included the people we absolutely knew were invited to the wedding. I've just found out that she's invited at least two people who were not on the guest list. -.- This means that there will be people at the engagement party who ultimately will not be invited to the wedding. The small wedding guest list has put my mom into a rage from the start. I've no doubt that this is her underhanded attempt to lock me into inviting people *she* wants there, even though fiance and I have never approved them for the wedding guest list. Don't get me wrong... .I don't hate the "extras" mom is inviting. They just aren't intimate acquaintances, and my fiance and I can NOT afford to add more guests to the catering service. Side note: Mom/Dad so far have not contributed any money to the event, which I 100% have no issue/grudge with (in fact, it makes things easier if they have no financial stake in this wedding). A smaller budget also helps DF and I maintain the small/intimate day we're dreaming of :) 

I'm worried about how I will handle the engagement party guests who won't be invited to the wedding. Obviously, I'm going to be every bit as kind and attentive to them at the engagement party. It's not their fault that mom has put them in this awkward position! But there will come a time in the future (possibly when they don't receive an invitation to the wedding) that there is a chance for some hurt feelings. I know this can't be avoided. I just feel bad they've been put in this position.


 

I would tell them that you are happy to see them and that you are happy they could come to the celebration since you have planned an small intimate wedding and couldn't invite everyone to the ceremony itself.

It shows them you appreciate them and their participation at the engagement party but sets the expectation/boundary that they will not be included on your wedding day

Panda39

While this could be a manipulative move on your mother's part, it may not be. Weddings are expensive, and I have known of young couples who have not been able to include everyone, and I have specifically said to their mothers- I understand that the wedding guest list is limited, but I would be delighted to be included in a shower or engagement event to congratulate them. ( not a self invite-but to ease the concern of that awkwardness)

These are young people I may have known as children, but they have gone on to new lives of their own as adults. While I don't expect to be in their inner circle, it makes me happy to have the chance to congratulate them. A few have had children, and when they visit "grandma" invite me to stop in and see the baby. I don't want to impose on their new lives, but I personally enjoy the chance to congratulate them and share a moment of their happy events, even if not included in all of it.

So as Panda said, just thank them for coming and say you planned a small wedding and are so happy they came to your engagement party. They may just be delighted to see you and congratulate you. With the cost of weddings these days, I think people understand- at least people who want the best for you will support your decision. If not, and they choose to be offended- that isn't your role to fix.