BPDFamily.com

Hi

My boyfriend, whom I love very much, has BPD. We figured it out together about 2 months into the relationship. When we started seeing each other, the courting was very intense - he called me every single day after work and we'd talk for about a half hour. We saw each other 4 times that first week. At the end of the second week, I told him I had been seeing other people (I had just joined a dating app), but I no longer wanted to, because I knew I chose him. I was feeling guilty because I assumed there was no way he was seeing anyone else. His response shocked me - he said he was seeing other people too and did not want to stop. What I later learned was that he had a constant rotation of people he would go to for sex -- he could even call someone when he had an hour break in between work and performing in a show, and they would let him come over just to have sex. He was using women for sex. At the end of the third week of dating is when I realized something was up: I brought it up and said that I had considered ending it because it felt like he was either playing me or he had some kind of issue, and he said that yes, he had been told before he might be a sex addict. I can now say for sure that he was. It seemed like something he wanted to work on, and I told him I was open to continuing to see other people as well, and we could just see where our relationship went. He was amazed at my insight. No one had guessed, before he revealed it himself, that he was a sex addict. Being that I have always had a fascination with psychology and have been a hobby therapist to my friends, I was accepting and non-judgmental. I saw it as an addiction like any other that it is difficult for the person to control. He did an amazing job of overcoming it: a month later, he had cut out all the other women in his life. He told me that he didn't want me to be with other people anymore, so he would have to stop too. I told him that it wasn't that simple, he would probably relapse, and he did. We dealt with it well. We had amazing communication and he was grateful for how understanding I was of him. It became a committed relationship, we said we loved each other, we talked about the fact that we felt like we had found the one.

Then it all broke down when he cheated on me. In August, I had a trip planned to go to Hong Kong. The unfortunate circumstance of it is that I was supposed to stay with a friend I had been hooking up with before my bf and I started dating. The trip was planned before we started dating. A week before I left, my bf decided to surprise me with a ticket to join me on my trip. Of course, this meant that we stayed at a hotel instead. But we had dinner with the old friend on the night of my birthday, and it did not go well... .his pride swelled and he was very rude to my friend. Said I had been flirting. The next day, because he felt ashamed for the way he had behaved, he came clean to me about what he had done: he had slept with 3 women in the month of August. He had lied to me when I asked about them. He was afraid to tell me because he thought I'd break up with him (naturally). I really thought about breaking up with him at that moment, but for some reason I decided to forgive him and try to rebuild the relationship.

The rebuilding has been extremely difficult. What I told him after we got over the whole incident was that I would now have much less patience for him. And it has been very true -- it was not a threat, simply a fact. I am no longer the strong, secure person I used to be. I feel very vulnerable when it comes to sex. Sometimes I'm fine, and sometimes I feel threatened by him. The worst part of what he revealed to me was that the first person he slept with in that string of 3 (all women he had been sleeping with when we first started dating), he basically raped. For a really long time, he wouldn't call it that. But the fact is that they met up because he owed her money for something (I told him he should just send it by mail and not put himself in temptation's way), and she made it clear that she had no interest in him any longer, that she was seeing someone new. This was a woman who had said from the beginning that she didn't like sex - it always messed things up in her life. So at the beginning, he sought to change her mind about sex. He saw himself as a sex whisperer of sorts - that he had made all these women orgasm that had never experienced an orgasm before. He said that every woman he slept with had said he was the best sex of their lives. I always found it incredibly hard to believe because our first few times were not great - there was no foreplay, it was basically just for him. He listened and got better and our sex has no issues now. I think all of this came from a particularly destructive relationship he had 5 years ago. That relationship made him see sex as a tool, and it also exacerbated his BPD, I think. He has cited that relationship as the first instances of extreme anger. In any case, he used it as a tool to both make women feel better when he didn't want to be with them ("give them a little of what they want", and to punish them when they didn't want him. In the case of this assault, his ego was hurt by the girl not wanting him anymore, and he basically forced her to have sex with him. As soon as it was happening, he snapped out of his dark place and felt awful, pulled away from her and apologized profusely. Was afraid that she'd call the police. He tried to smooth it over as best he could, and did so successfully. She even continued to follow him on Snapchat and make comments on his videos all the time, which I do not understand at all. I felt like I was taking on the anger and indignation for her because she wouldn't do it. I was taking on the anger and indignation for all the women he had told me about that all forgave him for manipulating them, because I just felt like they were too weak to resist his charms (and charming as hell, he is).

About a month ago, we started fighting incessantly. We almost broke up a few times. The fights would start because he would do something that indicated to me that he had not completely reformed, that he had not completely understood all the boundaries of sexual consent. He would respond that he had changed and that I give him no credit, and that he told me for a reason and it wasn't so that it could be used against him, and most of all: the fact that I viewed him in a negative light sent him into a rage every time. I understand much more clearly now how that is a classic BPD trigger. Around the same time, he had finally started going to therapy. He seemed open to it at first, but then in the middle of one of our fights, we had a session together (this therapist also does couples), and he seemed to reject it because he felt like we were ganging up on him. Again, I understand that it's a classic scenario to resist being labeled the "IP" (identified patient), and to feel angry that people are casting blame on you. Perhaps the therapist should not have expressed in his presence that fights in BPD relationships are 80-90% of the time the fault of the BPD person. But anyway... .after a few weeks of really terrible fighting, we finally came to an understanding a week ago. We seemed better than ever. Our communication line had been reopened. Then yesterday, we had another fight like those before. I understand that it's up to me to correct our communication and prevent conflict. But it's just so hard to do when I also feel sensitive, and I also feel triggered, and when I feel like in issues of consent there is no budging - to me, it is a hard line. I just want to be understood too, and I want an apology when he invalidates *my* feelings. For example, yesterday it was something so tiny: we were getting ready to go pick up a couch from my friend. He was already frustrated that he'd have to miss some of his football game. We were standing in the kitchen and he touched my breast, I brushed him off and said "stop it," because I knew there was no time to mess around, and because I have a personal preference about that specific touch when it's not in a sexual context. He took offense, and his response was to do it again. To me, to deny my boundaries and to do something purposely after I've asked you to stop is beyond disrespectful. But in his mind, I had rebuked him rudely and hurt his ego. We fought the entire day and I cried for 4 hours because I kept feeling unheard and like he didn't care about my feelings. He had understood, when I finally researched a bunch a week ago, and told him that there was indeed a lot of stuff I was holding onto from being cheated on, and that I would work on letting go of it, but that there were certain things I'd be sensitive about -- I read that partners of sex addicts sometimes experience PTSD. And that diagnosis has not been made for me by a professional, but it certainly lines up with my symptoms. He understood, felt sympathetic, and promised to be more patient and help me feel safe. Yet yesterday it all went out the window. In these situations, I understand that the onus is on me to not blame, and not harp, and to restore healthy communication. But I now have issues too, and sometimes I just want sympathy from my partner. And today, I'm still upset after being emotionally shaken up for an entire day. What I want is a heartfelt apology and an admission of guilt, and it's just not something I can get from him... .feeling guilty is what sets off his anger. What am I supposed to do?

Hi Trying210,

Welcome and hello  :)

Are the fights about his promiscuity/infidelity? Or about ignoring your boundaries?

Or is the main issue that you want an apology when he hurts you?

Maybe we can look at specific instances and walk with you, to understand best how to support you.

Hi Livednlearned,

Thanks for your response.

The main issue is not respecting my boundaries. When we first started dating, we were in an open relationship, and I was fully aware that he was seeing other people. Then we became exclusive, on *his* request, because feelings were deepening, and things seemed great. He cheated on me a couple of months after that. His infidelity is not an issue at the moment, as I do believe that he has not done it since. He felt terrible and promised to never do it again, and basically explained that he did it because he was starting to spiral at that moment. When he feels insecure, sex is what makes him feel worthy - he used to connect his self-worth to his ability to please a woman. I think it's related to the BPD symptom of not feeling like you know who you are. With me, he felt insecure about pleasing me because indeed our sexual compatibility was not perfect at the beginning. In retrospect, I started to realize that a large reason for it was that I did not feel completely safe, since I knew that he was sleeping with other people. On top of that, he was not always practicing safe sex. There are a variety of reasons that we weren't meshing perfectly in that way, but while for me it wasn't a big deal and I knew it would continually get better, for him it was a catastrophe, because he placed such a high value on sex. It was the basis of all his romantic relationships before me, whereas with me he said it was the first time that just talking made him fall in love. We would stay up for hours talking every time we saw each other. In other words, me not flying over the moon from the sex was really getting to his ego. And he cites that as the reason he needed to go elsewhere for it. It's a Catch-22, because in order for me to let go, I need to feel safe, and in order for him to make me feel safe, he needs me to let go. That's still the place we're at. I got to a breaking point a couple of weeks ago, which is when I came to this site (which I am so grateful for, btw). And that made me understand why our fights were so explosive recently -- I used to be strong, and was naturally treating him in the way you're supposed to treat a BPD person, i.e. with patience and validation. But now this issue is a sore spot for me, and it's very difficult to validate him when I feel scared or vulnerable. I feel very sensitive when it comes to the topic of sex, and unfortunately it's the very thing that makes him feel most rejected and hurt if I say "no," and makes him fly off the handle, which in turn exacerbates my fear... .So I guess my question is how do I take care of myself and feel safe while also not invalidating him and making him feel safe? It seems like we're between a rock and a hard place.

I appreciate your insight. I can certainly provide a more specific example, I just don't want to get too graphic for everyone else's sake.

Boundaries with BPD sufferers tend to be a bit different than regular boundaries.

The boundaries we talk about here are to protect us, so they have to be something we control. People with BPD, in my experience, are not going to respect our boundary more than we respect it. We can only control what we do, not what they do. A lot of us conflated boundaries with rules, and people with BPD chafe against rules because that feels like control (and triggers fears of engulfment, which often accompanies fears of abandonment).

It sounds like you know this  :)

To your question about validating him -- I would find it hard to validate someone when I feel scared or vulnerable. Validation is just one way to express empathy, and if I'm afraid, empathy isn't likely something I can feel in that moment. Validation also has limits. If he is already highly emotionally aroused and the rockets are going off, it's probably too late for validation. Plus, if he sees you as afraid, that may trigger him because what he needs/wants is your strength. What he might need in that moment more than anything, to restore his fantasy that you can be his protector, is to take care of yourself.

On a separate note, speaking from experience here  *) It is very, very seductive to be treated as special by someone who struggles with a chaotic addiction. If you are told that you're the only one who this or the only one who that, you may begin to link your own sense of worth with his ability to kick the habit. This means that if he temporarily changes his behavior, only to regress, you feel that special power ebbing, and desperately want it back.

His addiction is not about you, and your self worth and lovability is not about him.

You are insightful and aware, and know this  :) we're just here to remind you.

Hi trying 210-

welcome! know that youre not alone.  I also have a BFwBPD with sex addict tendencies.  he had already been with hundreds of people, by his own admission, at 18 (thank you internet for instant sexual gratification). I am of the mind that his promiscuity is a compulsive coping mechanism for feelings of rejection, anger, lonliness... .I mean pretty much anything thats on his mind.

Like many BPDs he self harmed before developing this new maladaptive coping mechanism.  its very tough to deal with... .we have been together 3 years and in that time he's cheated on me with probably 50+ people.  Often after a fight or when i've asked for space to avoid an escalation.  Its awful because when these episodes occur, we're usually already on bad terms... .so its like dumping gasoline on a bonfire.

He has grown to use cheating as form of control... If i dont want to be cheated on, I have to capitulate to his desires and validate him even when he is clearly in the wrong about something, because if I stand my ground its just a matter of time before he cheats. its made me completely submissive and forces me to accept so many instances of him being wrong to prevent the inevitable cheat. the net result is a very unbalanced relationship where i feel forced to accept wrongdoing, have to be hyper-vigilant to prevent crossing him, and I'm never allowed to be hurt or upset.  leads to a lot of bottling up of my emotions, where i eventually snap and lose all control over my feelings and become this person i never want to be... .a total mr hyde where i cant control my feelings or anger.

You should be mindful that your bf may have the same issue as mine- the sex is a coping mechanism, he gets validation from pleasing other women, when he cant get it from you. i dont have any great tips, but i would encourage that you stay on the boards and read.  even if people are dealing with different forms and different types of BPD issues, a lot of it is coming from the same basic foundation.

if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to private message me!

What are your boundaries... .?  He is not going to change until he looks in the mirror and doesn't  like what he sees. Your fascination with psychology could get you into trouble. I was the same way. The new theory is that it is not about past history causing people to behave certain ways, because lots of people go through things and it does not cause them to be character flawed. Listen to Dr. George Simon on U-tube. I think you need to decide if this is how you want to live or not. You can not help him or fix him. Mine was a sex addict too. Eventually he brought a woman into our marital bed on Xmas! That was all that I could take... .he is testing you. If you don't accept it, you fight. If you do, you lose your self esteem if it is not what you want out of life. He knows you believe that is past is affecting him and he is manipulating you into feeling sorry for him. Take a rational look at what you are doing and tell yourself what you would tell a friend in the same situation. Your choice to live this way or not. Don't you think he is manipulating the other women too? I suppose there are women out there that only care about self gratification, but I would worry about diseases too. Think about it. I would also wonder if he may end up dumping you when he finds someone else he can get to agree to his lifestyle and not have to fight about it. Take care of yourself. Decide what you want, set boundaries and stick with them.

To be honest, I had not really thought of that -- that what he wants is my strength. He actually said that was one of the main qualities that attracted him to me. So that made a lot of sense when you wrote it. The question though, is how do we function when I'm not strong? I have a tendency toward anxiety and depression myself.

Thanks so much for your help.

Do you recognize when you are entering into moments that trigger your anxiety?

What are things you do when you feel depressed?

It could be that you have to dial right down to the details in your daily transactions with people and pay attention to how you give away your strength. Maybe start with regular people, and let yourself gradually build up to stuff with your BF. He will be the toughest because you are working something out big and deep with him.

Things like getting better at saying no, or telling someone you need time to think about x or y or z. If you are very detached from your emotions, doing some kind of work that grounds you in your body may help you pick up the trail. You can start feeling your emotions as they are expressed in your breathing, or muscles, or however you ignore/feel them.

That's the seed of strength. Learning to pay attention to how you feel and taking care of yourself at that level, first, before someone else begins to crowd you out. And giving yourself a big break while you wobble around trying to figure out what, exactly, you feel.

There will probably be a lot of pain and sadness, somewhere, is my guess. Your anxiety will trick you into avoiding that pain, even though it's healthy to walk right through the pain to the other side.

Maybe someone at some point in your life convinced you that you were not worthy, or horrible, or bad.

Becoming strong is as simple as working toward the realization that you are good and whole and awesome  *)