BPDFamily.com

Hello, all. New here--thank you for the helpful information on this site. I had a STR with a woman with BPD, a month or two. She was pretty back and forth about things, and got freaked out by a few emotionally tense interactions we had (I think she was affected by my anxiety issues).
Anyhow, she eventually broke things off over email. A few weeks later, I asked her to meet up and I tried to get more closure on the situation and see if I could reconcile at all. She said she needed someone more emotionally stable, which is legit, since my issues seemed to trigger her. I acknowledged her concerns but asked about kind of slowing things down and starting over to see where things go. She said clearly that a relationship was out of the question.
So here's what I'm curious about--this was a pretty quick idealization ("I love you"; all the things that were different about me), to ambiguity (not ready for relationship, but probably will be later), to the discard, but before I asked her to meet in person, she said she couldn't be with me now or in the near future. I felt that she changed it to "never" as a type of punishment for asking her to talk in person. I don't mean to be a jerk. I know she is an intelligent and capable woman, but I guess my jerky question is do you think she is uncertain how she might feel later? Does the brevity of our time together suggest a more permanent decision on her end, as opposed to walking from something long term? Maybe you can't really generalize. It's just she seemed unsure and flooded by her emotions so much and kept changing what she told me.
Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience. I regret that we moved so fast in our dating. I would actually like to be friends with her once I heal perhaps, maybe in 3 or 4 months, because I really miss just doing activities together and I would have liked to get to know her better. But I feel odd having to completely eliminate an interest in a potential relationship, though okay with that not happening, but she is so ultra perceptive, I couldn't hide anything from her! I just feel like a triggered a lot in her that I could have bypassed if I were aware of her condition. Thank you.

It does sound like she got emotionally aroused rather quickly. Like anybody though, a person with BPD (pwBPD) cannot predict how he or she will feel in the future. Does that mean that she'll ever enter into an idealization phase with you again? No one can predict that.

It is very possible that she picked up on your anxiety and emotions fairly easily. BPD is a maladaptive survival skill, so those with the disorder are pretty efficient when it comes to reading others. So, if you want to try to maintain some sort of relationship with her, my advice would be for you to deal with your issues first.

Are you seeing a therapist/counselor?

Thank you for your reply. I do see a therapist and a psychiatrist. Yeah, the experience has opened some painful areas, but I am grateful. I still feel that I met a very special woman, just in a way I was not expecting at first. All one can do is keep trying to be a good man, which is a win-win.
I feel so much guilt for calling her out or questioning certain behaviors though. I was just trying to understand what was going on. I will heed your advice and also just leave her alone until I feel grounded at least.
I think part of what happened is she was super perceptive like you are saying. Like, I couldn't just say "everything's fine" and let it go. She would complain she "couldn't read me". Well, I guess you gotta learn by loss sometimes, but I alredy feel more equipped to diffuse a situation with ANY partner. LOL.
Thank you for the support!