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So I'm NC with both of my abusive parents.  As many on here know, the holidays are a hard time to be in a family with a PD present, and also hard to have had to go LC or NC because of it.  I know it's "safer" for me emotionally as I cannot seem to remain strong with the emotional roller coaster my mother wants to ride and the coldness I have to evoke to maintain boundaries just feels horrible, and my father flat out disowned me at 19, so I know in my brain that this is how it has to be.  But... .it's hard, it hurts, it makes me question myself, my impressions of the world and of my parents, and I end up at least a few times needing a good cry about it.  Mom's birthday is the day after Christmas, making that a double whammy.  H's family has it's own issues (what family doesn't?) and his mom is a hoarder who does not take care of herself, but she and her husband by far have tried harder with their kids than my parents ever seemed capable of doing.  So we go visit them, even though H's parents' own dysfunctions bring him down quite a bit.

Anyone have any coping strategies to share for this time of year?  Or just want to talk a bit about being NC/LC themselves for years, for the first time?  I guess I kinda want to hear from others who can honestly understand needing to be NC, who won't judge and think it's the worst thing ever for a person to do. 

I too am no contact for the holidays for the first time.  I feel horrible about it.  My BPD mom is widowed and my sister and I both have tried to have a relationship with her but she makes it so hard.  She doesn't want daughters.  She wants slaves.  She robs me of my sense of self.   I have tried many, many ,many times to set boundaries but she refuses to accept them.  Boundaries infuriate her.  Even after justifying why I have no contact it still feels so sad.  I feel like a failure and a bad daughter.  I have two teenage daughters myself and I fear that they will think that its okay to disown your mom.  I dont share all of the struggle and chaos and drama my mom puts me through with them. I often keep things to myself.  I try to hide my sadness.   When I am alone though I am sad.  I wanted you to know you are not alone and I know it must have been bad in order for you to choose no contact in order to save your self. 

Hi!
This is my first thanksgiving with NC. It's only been with my mother but it's so incredibly hard. I don't have any advice, except my therapist says it gets better with time. I've been in such a "funk" these past few days couldn't understand why but now I'm realizing it's the no contact. Most of my mothers side of the family doesnt understand what's going on. They Feel I have to forgive and move on. It's a lonely place to be in. I feel guilty too. Daily. I think I've been dreading the holidays for awhile bc my mom would put such an emphasis on family but the guilt of spending time with my inlaws would always make me feel like nothing was ever good enough. She wanted all my time. And I could go on and on but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Stay strong.

I used to post quite a bit years ago.  Now I just read when I need a little mental "course correction", but this post spoke to me.

I went NC with my FOO 18 years ago when I committed the heinous sin of getting married.  You all probably know the drill, so I won't go into it here. 

Unlike a lot of folks here, there was absolutely no attempt to contact me.  Ever.  No letters, no phone calls, nothing.  I suppose that made the first holidays without them easier.  I did feel guilt, but to be honest it was far eclipsed by the relief I felt not having to deal with them. Being able to sit at a table with my in-laws, feeling welcomed, not having to be on constant alert for a potential explosion, was an eye-opening experience.  I'm not saying it was Norman Rockwell perfect, but it was a darn sight better than anything else I'd known.

After 18 years, I can say that it gets better.  As the years went by and my husband and I made the holidays our own -- as *I* became my own without my FOO's influence -- it got much, much easier. 

Tomorrow, I'll wake up and settle down with my coffee to watch the Macy's parade on the couch with my husband in our pajamas.  Then we'll get cleaned up, pack up the pies I'll make tonight and head over to my SIL's house for dinner. 

It'll be a holiday to be enjoyed -- not a trial to get though.

I wish you all peace - now and the rest of the year.

I've been NC for years with both parents for over a decade each, cumulatively.  But I still find this time of year kinda hard, and I guess H"s parents' aging issues, and some mild drama with his siblings and how they avoid HIS parents trigger me a little.  I don't want to go see my FOO or hear from them - even the thought can still make me feel a panic attack for some reason... .but I also feel worried I am a bad person for NOT wanting to see them, and for basically accepting the disowning 20 years ago.  Which when I write it, makes very little sense.  There must still be just enough of "little me" who jumped at their whims and felt it was my job to make peace, make them happy, keep them safe, that still comes out now and then. 

I just get reminded of my "orphanship" and it makes me feel a little melancholy.  I got married this year, and it was a long time coming, and I did not get to share any of that with my FOO, because I could not trust them to be kind or consistent.  I joke that I feel like Harry Potter sometimes, and H's parents are the Weasleys. 

After the jealousy my BPD mother showed over my  having holidays with DH2@'s family, and the issues from his probably BPD sister towards me, I decided it was easier just to work every Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's what I did for 22 of 24 years. New Years was my holiday- I would take my son, and years later my grandson, backpacking in Florida or cabin camping and snow tubing/skiing in North Carolina. DH has NEVER spokento his sisterabout the multitude of insults she offered to me, and we've been married 35, almost 36 years.

The first year it happened to me was sort of a relief. Sure I spent the majority of the time sleeping (depression will do that to you). It was way better than going to the hell house and dealing with the emotional/verbal abuse. The second year I volunteered at the local trees festival. It was fun and kept me busy. Sure there was some guilt but I wasn't being abused any more. This holiday is really bothering me because we reconnected and now everyone is on the outs. Depression is back back big time. Hate the holidays with a passion.

Hi Isilme

We don't celebrate thanksgiving in my country, but this year will be the first Christmas without my FOO.
I did feel guilty a lot about the NC, especially since I felt I was taking my child away from her family. Now it's better. Occasionally I still feel bad for my daughter, but most of the time I just feel relieved for having less drama in my life.
I don't feel guilty towards my FOO, the NC initially came from them, a bit like CrazyNoMore is discribing.

I used to worry a lot about what I would be doing for Christmas, except feeling horribly alone. After some time I decided I could just install a new tradition for myself, like going iceskating or so.
I recently was invited to go celebrate with a friend, otherwise I think I would have gone for the iceskating.
Do you feel there is something special you would like to do for holidays ?