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Hi gang,

After working so hard at detachment for weeks and weeks, I had a relapse. My mom is dying and she wanted to say hello to her over the phone so I answered her call. It was a super sweet conversation between her and my mom and I should have just ended it there. But then she texted wanting to catch up her and I and unfortunately we talked -- it wasn't too bad but it definitely triggered my walking on eggshells behavior (that I don't like in me) and also reinvigorated the longing feeling. The worst of it though was then I checked her Facebook and saw all her happy, loving posts with her new girlfriend (now they've been together for almost 5 months). Still hurts. I'm still way attached. Any relapse wisdom, dear board?

No advice, KC. (My ex is permanently AWOL.) But I don't think you're back to square 1. Not at all. You will spring back faster this time, and that is progress. <3

Hi KC,

I agree with steelwork, it's just an indicator that you need to self protect awhile longer. I hope those feelings quickly subside, doing something that you like should help. What do you like? Hang in there.

Don't beat yourself up too much kc. You're in a vulnerable position right now with your Mom. That's a real bummer. I'm sorry you're in pain.

I agree with Mutt and kc. This is just a test showing you that you need more time to recuperate emotionally.

Stay tough!

I went on a bike ride and that helped a bit.

Now perhaps I will take a nap? I think part of what contributed to my relapse is that I'm very tired (I'm helping to take care of my mom).

Also, I'm going to try to catalogue this pain in my mind as "relapse pain" instead of "not with her pain" so that I'll be less likely to do it again. It's interesting-- since I've relapsed anyway, I'm kind of tempted to binge and just look at everything, but I'm going to try not to do that.  

Gang, if anyone is tempted to look at your ex's facebook--don't do it! It's the worst.

Thanks valet-- it's true. And maybe in the long run, I'll be happy that I facilitated a goodbye conversation between them. I just shouldn't have done the other stuff-- in particular the facebook. Now I know too much-- a little ignorance was much more blissful. One the other hand, perhaps it will help me detach in the long run because maybe I had a little hope and now I don't. Maybe that's what I was doing by checking her facebook-- checking my hope.

Also-- I so wish I could be happier for her in her happinesses. Though I know that will come with more detachment.

You may feel / think differently about that with more time behind you. Take really good care of yourself.

Can you say more, Mutt? Were you able to be happy for your ex's happinesses with detachment?

Also, on the plus side-- before I relapsed, I had not talked to her for 3 1/2 months, and not checked facebook for 2 1/2. That's the longest we've gone without contact in any of our breakups. So that is some progress.

Nice going! I went back and the last stage and it's true. The journey through detachment is different for everyone. There were spots were I thought I was detached and I'd have a set back, they were guideposts, I knew that there was going to be a little more work and I needed more time behind me. I was worried about her welfare, I felt a lot of sadness because I just wanted her to get better for the sake of the kids.

I don't hate her and I don't like her, I'm not saying that I feel indifferent towards her, I can stand to be around her and not get triggered, I don't care as much as I used to, I feel like I've moved on. That chapter, the marriage and the divorce is behind me, I'm in a different stage, I'm not interested in romantic relationships, I'm working on the relationships with family members,  the kids and my mom, I just want the kids to feel special.

Maybe I feel salty with romantic r/s's, because you have strong feelings for someone, you take a chance and then they they emotionally check out. I'd rather not go through that again, I'm.not saying that it would happens all of the time. what's important for me now is rock solid stability for the kids. Eventually those other things will fall into place. I never thought that I'd get married, but it happened, I'm sure there's someone else in the cards. That being said, I'm not saying that you're not going to want be able to feel happy for her, you feel differently once that you've move on because that situation and person isn't something that you're focused on, your focused on something else.

Hey kc

Stay away from all social media; it isn't a true indicator of reality.

I know how tough it is when you are dealing with the suffering of family and you want to have your partner support you and your family member. Remember that they have a serious mental illness that prevents them from functioning as an emotionally mature adult, and they are more likely to hurt you than help you.

"Remember that they have a serious mental illness that prevents them from functioning as an emotionally mature adult, and they are more likely to hurt you than help you."

I have found this to be very true, probably because when stressed BPDs tend to show their emotional age and are unable to offer adult support.

Yes, I found that in times of stress my ex would be particularly difficult. I know it isn't a good match for me, and hopefully I can get that knowledge into the deepest recesses of my heart.

It is interesting, I'm taking a DBT course for "friends and family"and it talks about love as an emotion. I more thought of it as a state of being... .to think of it as an emotion makes me think of it like something that comes and goes. I guess there is the emotion of love and then the attachment that is something more stable. I'm not sure I understand love and attachment.

What are your all feelings/thoughts when you break no contact?

I get a nervous feeling.

And a thought that my life is so boring next to hers.

And the feeling of wanting to pinch my skin or something (that is a weird one).

Also the thought of not knowing if I will survive the grief (even if it is much more muted).

And the craving for more contact/knowledge.

Do you all get any of that? Are other things?

Hey kc

There are different kinds of love that we have for people in our lives; romantic love involves our attraction to our partner (physical, emotional, mental), and after the "honeymoon" period we start to see the flaws in our partner, just as they do in us. Real mature love is about having empathy, compassion, honesty, trust, and respect for our partner, and they have the same for us; when BOTH partners put the others heart and feelings ahead of their own, real love flourishes and a long lasting relationship is possible.

The feelings you have when you break NC are normal, you end up back in the FOG where you are never good enough and your partner is the key to your happiness.

A PWBPD isn't capable of having a healthy, mature relationship unless they are committed to years of therapy, and their partner is willing to sacrifice themselves to a significant extent to manage the relationship; many would agree that isn't healthy enough for them to be in the relationship.

Hi kc,

I'd just like to commend you on how you are handling this little setback. You are doing well, considering what you are going through. Remember that at times of stress, we often have the urge to go back to familiar people and situations—even if they were abusive, hurtful, and/or stressful.

You are most likely already grieving your mom, which is a big deal (having been a very significant attachment for you). Grief can make us vulnerable to unhealthy patterns and relationships (in my experience), so just keep focusing on your wellbeing and give yourself time and loads of compassion as you care for your mom (and afterwards, too).

I know it's easy to say, much harder to do, but you are doing well. We are here to help you with any backslides that happen (normal!).  

heartandwhole