BPDFamily.com

As we were in the process of breaking up and getting back together my ex said she needed more stability in her relationship. We often made plans and then broke them because we would be fighting-typically because she did something rude and I was trying to get her to apologize or acknowledge and it would escalate from there. She said I would reprimand her which is accurate for some situations.

Anyway I found it odd that she said she needed stability when she is so unstable and started by far most of the fights or kept them going even after I would apologize and want to quit fighting.

Do you think by stability she meant that previous partners were more willing to ignore or accept her awful behavior than I was? Any thoughts on this?

Maybe she is aware of, or at least senses on some level, all the instability she carries with her, and craves stability? My ex would sometimes tell me how much she loved it if I put my foot down when she got out of line. Of course, other times she would rage and push through all boundaries. But it makes sense that an unstable person would crave stability.


Maybe. Or maybe just the opposite -- maybe they set firmer boundaries. Or maybe she behaved just the same with them, and craves stability in all her relationships, while being unable to refrain from undermining it herself.

What do you hope to gain by answering this question? Will it change how you approach your next relationship? Or how you move forward in the meantime?

Hi Duped1

It is called PROJECTION and it is how they deal with their problems.  It is only about you if you accept it is about you, else it is only and always about them.

My ex used to call me a Jekyll and Hyde, I was always mystified by that and kept asking her to explain and never understood her explanation.  Imagine my astonishment when reading the BPD literature explaining that pwBPD are Jekyll and Hyde's.  

Their Bad feelings --> Project --> Temporary Relief --> Repeat.  

She seeks stability because she doesn't have it and most importantly - you can't provide it to her - even if you wish to with every fiber of your being and neither can any of her ex or future partners.  

My ex told me she left because she was unhappy -->  I was the unhappiness --> She felt good moving out and being angry blaming me for her problems --> She's online looking for a new man.

INSANITY!

Hi Duped-

rfriesen and joe have given you good answers.  To sort of restate the same thing, borderlines are inherently unstable, with the disorder causing the focus to be the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, the line between them always moving.  So it was your job to provide stability in the face of that, an impossible task for anyone, and of course she could have accepted responsibility for her own stability, but putting it on you is easier, plus accepting it would require a self of her own, which borderlines don't have, so no choice.

So there's a tip for all of us: choose future partners who are capable of and willing to create their own stability.

Yep, she was probably being truthful with you when she said that she needed more stability in her life. Unfortunately, she, probably, cannot see and/or accept that she is the major cause of the instability in her life. It's a cruel disorder---to long for something, get it, and discover that you cannot keep.