BPDFamily.com

I would be grateful for any help on a question or two. This will be a lengthy post because I think some context will help.

My partner split away from me at the end of October. The splitting involved pretty powerful delusions, yet an emphatic and painful end to the relationship.

After several weeks I was re-contacted, even though contact had been declared over. While the splitting was occurring (and just before it) my partner was escalating up in some bipolar behaviour. She was ultimately hospitalized for a couple of weeks and has been on medication (a mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic) for a few weeks now and is out on her again and reasonably stable.

We have a long distance relationship, so low to no contact is possible. Long story short, some texts and phone calls have proven that it's possible to talk, but since re-establishing contact she has asked that we be friends right now and that maybe one day she could talk about what happened.

My questions and pleas for insight:

Does anyone have any insight how I navigate things? All her doctors say she is bipolar, and the medications have produced some stability. Still, there are BPD behaviours at work (she has never been diagnosed as such). She is super high functioning when all is well, so I say "behaviours" rather than real obvious BPD at work all the time. It seems like she is grounded in reality now, but she has placed a ban on talking about all the delusions that caused the split. To me, we split for no real reason, so I keep thinking if we could peel back some of the layers of the delusion and thus the confusion and misunderstanding we might move from friends back to lovers (we've been together for four years) and with some care begin some decent healing.

I am committed deeply to her, so I'm not trying to sort out do I stay or do I go.

Rather, I'm trying to sort out the temptation to go back to the end of October and to sort what happened. We dipped ever so slightly into it last night when she asked me about an "accusation" I made when she was splitting. I was able to clarify that no such accusation occurred, yet I moved us away from talking about the catastrophe that ended our romantic partnership because I could tell that the subject was too much.

Do I keep waiting and keep dipping from time to time? Because she is so high functioning I think we might be able to sort some things, but I'm new territory. I've never seen her this way.

"This way?" What I mean is she is now firmly diagnosed with bipolar, yet stabilizing.  It feels as though the delusions and mania are settled but it feels as though the BPD behaviour could erupt strongly at any second (anger, chiefly). I sense it hovering yet keep thinking "let's talk about the end of October to clear way the misunderstandings." To do so might free her from the anger and the guilt she's feeling. Selfishly, it would help me know where we stand: friends only in some pending state or romantic partners on the mend.

Does anyone have experience with a person who is bipolar and BPD? I've read the sections of the site on co-morbidity but I hope for some better insight.

Okay, it's me again. My previous post didn't draw any replies, so let me try to distill things.

My partner who I would not have called either bipolar or BPD had a disregulation crisis. She ended our relationship in a delusional state. She remained delusional and eventually ended up in psychiatric ward for two weeks. She was released with a diagnosis of bipolar. She is a now on meds and stable enough that she contacted me again. At her request (insistence), we are now friends but not lovers and best friends.

She says she cannot talk now about what happened, but she has talked a little bit about it and revealed that some of what she remembers are the delusions, not what actually happened.

My questions: what do I do now? Accept my own amateur diagnosis that she is BPD and add that to the professional diagnosis that she is bipolar? On those grounds simply wait until she can talk? Should I risk pushing a bit to help peel away the delusional memories in the hope that we might find some more solid ground?

Again, any insight would be very helpful.

Renard,

Co-morbidity can occur, as well as misdiagnosis of BPD as bipolar.

Mood stabilizers can help with Bipolar, but BPD definitely requires extensive therapy with someone who understands the disorder. My W went through about a dozen T's until she found the right one.

Is your partner in therapy?

if you are not married, have no children, and do not suffer mental illness yourself... .my advice is to move on... .quickly ... .and don't look back.  I've been suffering with a BPD spouse for 23 years and i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Hi Renard,

Given what sounds like a fairly recent crisis that your ex has had, I wonder if she is still too fragile for any deeper questions about the relationship? This may be a time of recovery for her where she needs to re-establish some more solid foundations before embarking on further (maybe difficult or upsetting discoveries). Those delusions you speak of may serve a protective function for your ex - in fact, in my entirely unprofessional and unmedical opinion, aren't delusions often created by our brains to protect us from whatever we perceive as too much reality?

Cole asks a good question; if she is in therapy or receiving any kind of mental-health support?

It seems to me, that this time calls for patience for you. It might be a good time to focus on yourself and getting clear on your own wants and needs, perhaps.

Cole,

Thanks for your note. Part of my partner's release from hospital involves therapy as a follow up, but that has not yet occurred. The medication has definitely stabilized her, yet I do think there are BPD traits expressing themselves. I guess what I'm asking is even when she is stable will she really have the help she needs? That is, the BPD traits appear to call for therapy, not medication. Her need, then, is for both: meds for stability, therapy for the BPD traits.

She will be getting some therapy. You're right: it is a time of patience, and talking is not on view. I think it's a version of a perfect storm insofar as she hit a manic cycle on the bipolar, a state which seems to get extra force because it diminishes her otherwise incredibly high function personality to the point where BPD expresses itself more discernibly--so much so that she split and now is not really able to talk about it even though she is stable in terms of the bipolar behaviour.

BPDhusband, thanks for your words of caution and experience. We are not married but have been together for some four years--four great years until now. There are no children

VitaminC, correct: on one hand, I don't have a choice, but on the other hand, I have identified some of my issues--I have dipped into some codependent behaviour that I'm at work to address now. I need to this work no matter, no matter what may happen between my partner and me.

I'm not sure that I can help you at all, but I do share your experience to an extent.
My ex of 7 years was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was young. For the majority of our relationship I believed that this was the cause of all of her behaviors.

Eventually while researching her symptoms on my own, I came across BPD. She fits it to a T, although she has not been formally diagnosed.
I have seen her both depressed and manic, so I'm not sure that she was misdiagnosed - rather, there is probably comorbidity. She too was hospitalized twice during our relationship, and treated (medicated) for bipolar disorder.

My ex and I have been split up for 4 months now. 2 months ago we reinitiated contact and she said that she would like to be friends. I still love her and would like to reconcile, but she says she wants to move on and is no longer interested in a romantic relationship with me. This comes after several months of push/pull behavior. One day she loved me, the very next she wanted us to date other people. I've learned that a characteristic of BPD is that feelings = facts, so her reality changes constantly. In that sense, I still have some hope - I know that her mind is prone to change quickly. But pushing for a romantic r/s will only push her further away. I'm not sure if this helps you at all, but I think I'd try to wait until your ex feels ready to talk to you on her own. If she is BPD as well, pushing for anything may just trigger a very bad reaction.

JJacks0,

Thanks for writing. In a way that I would not have predicted, we talked last night. She says that she wants to be friends now (she is stable because of the meds).

I am glad that the meds have made her stable because I was simply so worried about her. Still, now that she is stable, I still think of her as high functioning BPD or some combination of them: a bipolar who really does need medication and a high function BPD who becomes much more low functioning as the bipolar emerges.

I feel kind of shattered anew because last night's conversation means we are finished as lovers. To be friends is something I cannot fully comprehend right now. I am still left trying to understand what feels like a selfishness beyond what I can grasp.

You speak of things changing rapidly with your partner. I think my situation is a bit similar: I feel like everything is subject to renegotiation at any given time. I feel like such a fool in that I gave my heart and my life without reservation (and property, and career, and relocation, and everything . . . ). I simply put everything that I am into a trust relationship with her. I don't know how to think of a friendship with someone who said she also was committed to me and then renegotiates things in ways that I do not think I will ever understand or ever find my way through emotionally.

This is the morning after yesterday's conversation, so I will call these early thoughts: it is good to have a place and people to share them. Thank you all, and thank you JJacks0.

If she is truly BPD, consistent therapy will be a must. It has to be steady, just like meds. To stop meds or T just because she feels better in the moment is dangerous.

The relationship between Bipolar and BPD, at least for my wife, is that the bipolar and BPD are mixed together to the point where they are an inseparable diagnosis.   

Cole,

I am reluctant to play diagnostician, but I see so many BPD traits, even if they are muted because she is so high functioning (that is, when no bipolar is on view). I think you're right: without the stability of the meds and the consistency of therapy I don't see how my partner will ever find a good road.

Your words about the inseparability of BPD and bipolar in your wife ring true for my partner. I think they are wound together. I am gaining insight every day into how incredibly savvy and strong I will need to be to remain in this relationship. That's what I want, however, for no matter what it's possible to love such a person and to do so profoundly. I also want to believe that I can find a way to do so without harming myself.