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My ex and I talked for the first time in 3 months today, with her calling to say goodbye to my dying mom. It was great to hear her voice, and she talked so nicely to my mom.

The rest of the day didn't go so well. She sent me a text saying how nice it was to talk to, and that maybe she & I could catch up later. She had previously been NC, so this was an opening on her part. I called her and it was okay... .not great, but okay and we ended it by her saying that she'd call back on the weekend to talk again to my mom.

I was doing okay with this contact, more or less, (though I was noticing that she didn't talk about her girlfriend when she was telling me about her plans & maybe that got me a little hopeful?) Anyway, I then went down the rabbit hole-- after two months of not checking her facebook page, I fell in deep, and saw all the pictures, read all the comments. She seems really happy with her new partner and totally into her new life. Half of me is happy for her and half of me is sad. I felt a  out of control going down the rabbit hole-- like I was relapsing or something.

I want to be friends with her-- I'm friends with all my other exes. But I don't know how to be my best self in it and not to go out of control. My inclination in these situations is to "fake it til I make it" -- that has always been healing for me and for the relationships in the past, but I know I'm navigating different waters now (in terms of BPD). Do you all have any thoughts or advice?

Here's what I wrote to her, but she never wrote back.

"it was good to chat but I didn’t hear nearly enough about you! How is life? From your Facebook, you seem happy and good. Have you had any fun adventures? xo"

Any advice on where to go from here if I want to be friends?

Being friends with an ex that you still have feelings for is hard in the best of situations. Being friends with a BPD when you still have a bond can be torturous. From the sounds of it, you are still bonded to her.

Still bonded and trying to be a friend will also mean that you are setting yourself up for more abuse. So, my advise is that if you want to try to be a friend, then detach first.

Hi KC,

That sounds tough. I know what you mean about being friends with all the other exes but this one needing special care and handling - which might really mean no or very limited contact until you really are "over it".

My own ex suddenly, out of the blue, reappeared in my life after 6 months of silence (which suited me down to the ground). He now appears to think we can be chums and have coffee to just chat about our common interests. I really have no feelings for this person any more (thank god!) - my working through stuff on these boards has been more help than I could ever say - and I know that there is nothing apart from a little intellectual stimulation that is to be gained by having a friendship with this individual. I've decided that I can get that elsewhere and I don't need the headwrecks that will undoubtedly crop up if I engage with anything other than cool civility. Let's see if that's possible, it's early days :)

For you, the fact that you felt you were "relapsing" when you looked at her FB page is a sign you should maybe pay attention to. It shows you that the feelings are still there, and maybe too raw to engage just yet.

I remember  C<||| FromHeeltoHeal once saying something I found really helpful in my own thinking; having a strong reaction is ok, normal maybe, the question is how long it takes you to recover yourself from it - to get back to base camp. If you find it hard to get back there, then take it easy on yourself and don't put yourself in harm's way.

 

Yes, this is all such good advice.

Is there any way though? A way that I could both self-preserve and be friends? In other difficult heartaches, my M.O. (or words of comfort to myself) was that at least we preserved a friendship. So I think that is my preferred detachment style.

What would be some suggestions? Some do's and don'ts of being friends? 

Desperately awaiting answers/replies to these. 

Here's what I'm doing so far-- I live in a different city, so the friendship would have to be a long distance one.

Contact:
When she texts (once a month or so), I text back (usually not right away, maybe after a few hours or so).
Then she doesn't text again.

Over the weekend, I initiated a friendly text but she didn't return it. I just let it be.

Keeping myself safe: My main way of keeping myself safe is not checking her Facebook. When I do and see pictures of her and her new gf I still get pretty upset, so I'm still attached.

So that's what I'm doing so far-- does that sound like a good approach? Any other thoughts?

Hi KC,

For what it's worth, I think that sounds like a reasonable approach right now, yes. You're the best judge of what works for you, obviously. I would encourage you to stay very aware of your feelings; if you start feeling vulnerable or a bit wobbly, have a pre-planned way to get back to base-camp, whatever that feels like for you.

For me what works for getting back to base is re-connecting with how far I've come and really appreciating my own routines, for lack of a better word. I read poetry or song lyrics that remind me of aspects of myself that I cherish, hang out with different groups of friends that bring out different aspects of me, notice if it's company or solitude that I need and really enjoy giving myself that without having to consider anyone else's feelings about it.  Sounds a bit lame maybe, but that's what's working. I had to make a conscious effort up until a month or two ago and then I noticed that I wasn't having to make myself do these things because I was just doing them.

It's good you know that you're still attached. You won't be forever.

Check your expectations of "friends". What you're describing sounds to me like a very early friendship, which makes sense under the circumstances. I'd pay attention to how communication works between you and other people in your life - how much time you give each other, how much detail, how much care you have to bring to the communication.

It will take a while before you have the ease with this friendship that you have with your others. It's never a simple segue though, is it.

This is going to be hard for you to do as you are today. This below is the key:


When you don't have more feelings about her than you do about other friends, then being friends will be easy. Until then, it will be full of land mines for you, even if she's behaving well toward you.

You have more work to do on yourself, and it will take more time. The way you've been reacting tells you this.

In the meantime, continue being safe, which means keeping some distance, and will limit how close a friends you can be with her. And know in the back of your head that it is temporary on your part.

Yeah, that is really good advice! I will think about what it means to get back to base. Definitely this site helps!