BPDFamily.com

Hi I'm new to this board and I'm glad to have others to talk to. I have just discovered my new boyfriend to have undiagnosed BPD. I was led to read about this because I have observed bizarre emotional reactions from him. He fit the classic case of being so loving one minute, then a trigger happens so,eyeing which I do not even know, he turns mistrustful and pushing me away. I have wondered why it always has to be All or Nothing. And extremes of emotions are there. He has also exhibited a frantic fear of being abandoned more than once.  Practically begged me not to "leave" when I wasn't really leaving him, he just imagined it, then resents me for making him feel that way.

My question are two: First, If he is afraid of being abandoned, then why does he act in ways that provokes me to want to leave? I cannot understand the conflicting behavior. Second, how long does a negative, paranoid "episode" last? Shall I just patiently wait until this blows over and he returns to his loving self? Thanks for your help. Glad to be here.

Hi Artemis,

*welcome*

It's good you found us here; I'm sure you will find many useful resources, not least among these the stories and insights other members provide. 

What you are noticing is the classic behaviours of someone with BPD. Anyone might exhibit traces of fear of rejection / abandonment and even respond in conflicting ways. Depending on the level of emotional maturity someone that feels this way would be able to notice it and calm themselves into behaving less confusingly for another. For someone with BPD this is virtually impossible, unless some DBT type treatment has been sought and put into practise.

My understanding of what happens is as follows:  The person with BPD has as their emotional base a fear of abandonment.  The person with BPD has, whether genetically programmed or environmentally caused, a predisposition to swiftly changing emotions and an inability to regulate these.  The mood can change within moments for no reason known to themselves. Sometimes it's a subtle picking up on something that you have said or done (and, as often as not, a misinterpretation of this), other times it may be something that has triggered some memory the correlating emotion of which is experienced very strongly and quickly. Sometimes it's just the brain's own chemistry.

Whatever the cause of the mood change, it will become an absolute reality for the pwBPD, for the next while. Depending on a bunch of circumstances, it can last minutes, hours, days, or even longer.   

pwBPD are extremely sensitive to anything that could possibly be perceived as rejection. Since that is the biggest fear, the reaction will be very strong. That part is pretty logical, when you think about it.

The reason for behaving in a way that is counterintuitive has to do with getting there first. The thinking, I believe, is something like this: "If I reject you, before you have a chance to reject me, it will hurt less." or "If I lash out, maybe you will say what I need to hear to ease my pain." And sometimes, just " You hurt me, I am going to lash out because that is all I know how to do".

It takes knowledge of the disorder and a strong sense of self and a lot of patience to deal with this. I would encourage you to remember that all of this is only about 1% to do with you directly and the rest to do with the disorder and previous experiences that the pwBPD has had, from childhood onwards.

Please read the Lessons over here in the panel on the right. They will help you.

How long have you been together? How do you feel in the relationship? You sound calm in your post, which makes me glad and hopeful for you :)

Looking forward to reading more from you.
 

Thank you so much for your reply Vitamin C. It is comforting just to have someone to talk with.

You asked how long have we been together, we have a new relationship, half a year only or less. From the start until the past few weeks, we were living in the "idealized" state. There were some in between periods when I noticed some bizarre emotional reaction on his part, I attributed them to coincidence, because the Normal would return again after a few days. Although I have begun to notice he doesn't quiet like to be left behind or abandoned, and since it was resolved quickly, I didn't mind it. Then there are times before too when I observed he has a need for some drama in life, I mean he would create minor crisis situations, I felt that I was supposed to show I was sad or disturbed or suffering in order for him to know that I was true. Another prevalent case I have upto now is the feeling of being continually "tested". I continue to feel that he schemes and plots situations to see what effect it has on me, and then evaluates me accordingly. There were times I felt like I was being "experimented" upon, I didn't like that.

Things turned very bizarre the last few weeks.  His defenses went down when I gave him a gift and congratulated him for his professional success. He gave all the attention, affection etc. painted me shining "white". It was during this period that he thought I had left or abandoned him, when I was gone for half a day. You see I am a creature of habits, I call him at a certain hour of the day. And when I failed to do that because I was a little upset over what he did. When I called back rather late, I was very surprised that he was pleading me to stay, when I really had no intention of leaving otherwise I wouldn't have called him at all. That pleading and over attention went on for one week and peaked on a weekend. I was happy with all the attention I was getting, not knowing his condition yet. Although there were moments when the hyper attention struck me as scary, the time when I would get a call way past midnight.

Then immediately after that weekend, he cut me off. I did not even know what I had done. You see, we don't meet often, as we live cities away. I observed that he was hyper-vigilant in what I do or what I say. I am sad that now I am painted in the "black". It's like he is saying by his actions that he hates me.

He is more of the passive-aggressive type. He is the kind who takes away things that make you happy or thinks makes you happy. Just yesterday, he has pulled the plug on a project we are working in, a source of happiness for us. Note that he has done this before, and I reckon it was because I was not able to call for two days about it. He also pulled the plug then, it was weeks before he resumed, for reasons I do not know, except we were "reconciled" at the time.

And so here we are, in my desire to understand what is happening and refusal to fall into that painful black hole I was in. I typed in his most "bizarre" characteristic which is for me, the extreme emotional reactions... .I found out about BPD. I was surprised and very saddened that all the descriptions fit his behavior. All except the suicidal, self harm part.

I have read quite a few of the articles about BPD and continuing to learn about it. I understand that he is now "splitting" --- it is very sad to know that I am now painted in the "black".  I feel that I am being punished for something I do not even know what about. I felt that he resented me for making him feel vulnerable and act the way he did and so he is punishing me for it.

And since I know about his problem, I am trying my best to be Detached from it all. He is now doing his best it seems to provoke me into going into counter-attack or leave him, which thereafter he will say he was right all along that I was no good, insincere, and out only to use him and abandon him.

Where am I now? I am in that limbo of maintaining peace by being detached. I send him positive messages as much as possible each day. I feel that he is watching my moves again, it is always like that. I am in that limbo of not knowing when he will play out this "all bad cycle" that I have read about. Or when the black "spell" will be broken.  

Thank you for listening to my story, I really need some words of encouragement, I am trying my very best not to go into that black hole of pain again. It helps that I know about his condition.