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As the title goes; it seems we can't stop the cycle of hurting one another.  I am sure this is born out of frustration but it's killing me inside.

My PwBPD promised me he felt different since splitting with his girlfriend and on meds and that it was important that he didn't hurt me again and that he wanted to see me.  Well that's all changed already.  He asks me to go see him (almost pleads) then changes his mind the next day and his texts to me make it sound like it was my idea originally and makes me feel bad for agreeing to it.  I try validation and that doesn't soothe him and he stipulates with 'my final decision is it's not a good idea', to which I push back in frustration.  So here we are again with it all in tatters with me telling him to go to hell and him telling me no more contact.  He just doesn't get why I am upset that I feel he is using me as an option and messing with my emotions.  His retaliation to that is to turn stone cold and tell me 'it's not working' and to delete his number.  I've also asked him not to text me whilst I'm at work as I can't deal with the negativity and continue to do my job like nothing is wrong but he ignored that.

I'm so drained by it all and so stressed.  I get my hopes up and start to look forward to seeing him only for him to let me down time after time after promising me he won't.  

As well as other stresses in my life at the moment I am in fight or flight mode and spent 20 minutes sobbing in the toilet at work.

Hi Izzy,

I'm sorry to hear this. That is so hard when there is this constant back and forth and confusing behaviours.

I'm sorry I don't know your full story. Were you in NC?

The one constant with our relationships with pwBPD is that the behaviours will confuse us, unless and until we truly understand that that is the one constant. The moods shift, the behaviours follow suit, and the conversation stops, stalls, or dysregulates just like the emotions of the pwBPD. The only one that can really put a stop to that is the non, in my view.

As I read your post the thing that strikes me is that you get your hopes up. You believe that things will be different. You believe that what your pwBPD tells you is true, not just in the moment he is telling you but over a longer period of time stretching into the future.

I think this is the key. It might be true just then. That is no guarantee that it will continue to be true. That's the disordered part of the relationship, as well as, to a lesser degree, your own faith in the change that the pwBPD is talking about.

I do know how difficult it is to let go of that hope, that need to have it be true. I know it so well and my heart goes out to you. It only stopped for me once I accepted that the consistency was just never going to be there, not in my relationship with my own ex, in any case. Here we call that radical acceptance and there's a workshop that I'd like to recommend to you, if I may?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.msg604907#msg604907

You can stop the cycle, Izzy, I know it's not easy, but is possible.

What do you want to have happen? 

Yes, was in nearly 3 months no contact forced by him saying he didn't want me or need my help and didn't want anymore contact.  He reached out 2 weeks ago to say he was feeling better.  I told him I was wary of interactions with him and scared to trust him again as he had hurt me badly last time and he said he acknowledged my fears but wanted to assure me he was better now he was single as his relationship was making him ill and now on meds and was more stable.  He kept telling me he 'needed me' and promised me he wouldn't change his mind again.  And yet here we are after he has changed his mind about meeting up 3 times in less than a week and has told me to delete his number as this is 'not working' because I pushed back and told him that I am fed up with being treated as an option.

And as far as what I want to happen; I don't know anymore.

Suggest posting on one of the other boards. Like VitC said, this is part of it. If you assume that and just sort of hold your breath through it without denouncing him--and use the communications tools to explain what you want--it may not be as you want but it can be better than a cycle of mutual frustration and disappointment. Agree with VitC that it seems you have not accepted this is how emotions work for him. What follows is that you don't have to feel it as a personal rejection when he has times of withdrawal or mixed feelings.

That doesn't mean this kind of thing is for you! But accepting that it is this way, and not because of any deficiency in you, is key to any path forward. And other boards can give better counsel about how to work on that.

Thanks P&C

I think I've blown it; he's angry with me and still doesn't see my frustration is  at his actions but rather than not getting my own way.  I apologised; I'm not going to argue as I'm mentally drained and still crying because I know it's never going to be how I want it to be.  I'm gutted as I really like his friendship but there's some dynamic that gets between us and makes us angry and push and hurt each other.  He said it's not going to work do I have to accept it.  I'm just so upset that I couldn't control my frustration.  I have outside stresses at the moment with my daughter and it's so hard to keep a composed and rational head when other stressors are at play and him pushing me away coupled with what's going on with daughter sent me over edge.  I did try to explain that but he said my behaviour is my own responsibility; basically saying he doesn't accept it.  

I have to detach; this friendship is melting my brain and making me so sad that we can't stop hurting one another.

If you don't want to or can't change your reaction to his unusual emotional patterns--if it inherently hurts you that he isn't immediately responsive sometimes, or not responsive in the way you hoped--then detaching makes sense.

Nothing he did here is inherently "bad"--just unusual. It may be how he has to process intense feelings. There may be a lot of distance. My ex is like that. If it were only that--if he hadn't ultimately dated others and moved away--I'd have stayed connected to him, but that's because his occasional distance didn't bother me. That's just an odd feature of me. If it does bother you and you don't want to or can't change that, then yes, continuing is likely to be hurtful to you both.

Thank you for everyone who posted here. I am on the same boat and I know how you all feel. This is my 3rd cycle. Exactly the same. 1st cycle, we were officially dating, then he disappeared. 2nd and 3rd cycle, started off being friends, then ended up more than just friends. I agree that the only way to stop this would be the non. They just simply don't see the cycles, and even if they see it, they don't have the self-control to stop themselves from doing it.

The 3rd cycle, I was very guarded and tried my best to just be friends. Set boundaries, but he just kissed me out of the blue. I told him right away that he couldn't do this, we've talked about it and it's not ok. He disagreed, and said that he has urges... .the worst part is... .we work together.

So I suggested... .for the 3rd time that we should just be acquaintance, say hello and goodbye. He disagreed, told me how much he loves me, and meanwhile, he has already slept with someone else. He said he wants me to move on coz "we don't work", but he also wants me to stay close to him and be his "confidant" because I am important and great for him... .I suggested for the both of use to see my therapist. Surprisingly he went and we had a 2 hour therapy session. My therapist was able to help him understand that this is an unhealthy cycle, and strict boundaries need to be set. I honestly don't believe setting boundaries with him anymore, because it never worked in my case... .So right now, his attitude is very different than in the past, he said this time he will wait, and I can take all the time I need to think about whether or not I want to keep the friendship, and that he will respect my wishes.

I am still very confused and feeling constantly hurt being in his cycle. He also feels tired of keep hurting me with his behaviors. I honestly feel like I have no choice, but to stop this whole thing on my own. His perspective is "we love each other, we care about each other, why can't you just be my friend", and he said in therapy that maybe if we stay being friends with strict boundaries, live our lives separate ways for one year (we can see other people), and we both see our own therapists, he continues to take meds. We can reconvene in a year and see if we can try being in a relationship again... .

I don't know if his suggestion is just to eventually get me back into his cycle again? Or just giving me false hope so I can stick around?

My therapist thinks it's an okay plan, as long as we both keep our boundaries (i.e., absolutely no physical contact, no hanging out, just walk to the train station together for 10 mins after work one time a week). I personally think it's silly... .each cycle started with just saying "hi"... .so I just don't see how setting boundaries and spending time weekly would work... .

What do you guys think?

He makes up his own reality to fit his current emotion of the moment, you need to decide if this is something you want to live with; staying in a relationship where empathy, honesty, trust, respect, compassion from your partner just isn't there.

When we constantly put someone ahead of us, and it isn't reciprocated, we loose ourselves.