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I'm at my wits end. Foolish me trying to get closure. I mention that she may have BPD/HPD but of course : I now also have BPD! I get a letter off her saying nothing in particular... .wait, what's this... .an admission of accountability?

"I know i've hurt you but you hurt me too'

What the hell is that? Is that the best apology you can come up with? Oh yes, and the lies have started again. I've only cheated on a few ex partners... .No! You told me you cheated on them all, so where has 'only a few' come from? Silence... .silence. Lie, manipulate, then silence if that doesn't work. I've still yet to have an admission from her part for her unacceptable intimacy and behaviour with another man.

I'm too empathetic. I can almost understand how she behaves, why she behaves. But without remorse or empathy on her part, then i fail to see how i can relate or sympathise. Who was this person so ingrained in my life? Who am i?

I miss her so much. Or do i miss being close to someone? Probably a bit of both. Anyone else tried to communicate this way with another loved one until they are blue in the face and their brain is melting out through their ears?
 

Hi butters,

I hear you. :)
Yes, I certainly did try, for a really long time, to get the communication right and yes, my brain did nearly seep out of my ears in big, disgusting lumps.

All you say is familiar; the admissions that were later either minimized or taken back, the blaming of himself that later turned to blaming me, my own empathy that nearly did me in in the end because I could "understand" the thinking, or so I thought.

What "saved" me, in the end, was recognizing that whatever happened and whatever insight was had or whatever was said as a result of that insight, could change at a moment's notice. And then whatever the perceived truth of that new moment was, was the new truth. Sometimes I could see this was a deliberate lie, and sometimes I could tell that he really had convinced himself of it and even if I could show him actual proof that he had said the contrary at another point - he could still somehow make that either my fault or just shrug it off.

Maddening.

Here's the thing to help you move forward "I miss her so much. Or do i miss being close to someone? Probably a bit of both."

For me, once I got properly interested in that, I began the good work, rather than the fruitless work I'd been engaging in up to then.

See over here on the right? The banner with the five stages of Detachment - the Self Inquiry. That's a good place to spend a bit of time, when you're ready.

I get you're angry and frustrated right now. That's ok, normal and good. What you do with that now is the thing that you can do to really help yourself, if that makes sense.

Hang in there, we're here for you

Hi Butters -

I think the answer to your question is, Yes!  Sadly, it is probably an astounding display of how deeply you are loved - that she can say "I know i've hurt you", regardless of what deflection - projection statement that follows.

I had an identical conversation with my ex where I had adamantly stated that she was not taking responsibility for her constantly berating me.  The very best that she could do was to say; I do, but you do too - which was not true.  Very sad.



Yes, I have had my brain melt out of my head too.  As long as I am trying to rationally understand her views and actions from a non-BP perspective, that will never change.

I still miss my ex, but not like before.  Hang in, you will eventually see all this from a more balanced perspective as time goes by.

Thank you so much both. Your posts resonated with me. It's so comforting to know that I am not going crazy and others have experienced something similar.

So much is spot on. The minimized or taken back admissions... .Insights that suddenly shifts. I've tried to reach a common ground by talking over events but we are getting nowhere! How can two people go around in circles so much! I am exasperated!

I will certainly work my way through the five stages of Detachment. Thanks again.

I can completely relate. No empathy, no remorse, no apologies or if there is one it's so shallow it means nothing, rewriting history and no accountability EVER. It's maddening!