BPDFamily.com

So I'm about 99% certain that I was contacted through a fake profile by my exBPDgf and I don't know how to handle it. Here is the exchange:

HER: Hi (Sweet Tooth)

ME: Hi

(A few days later)

HER: Hey (Sweet Tooth), How are you doing ?

ME: I'm not going through this again. If you want to talk to me, message me through the phone or on your actual profile. I've already told you this. Otherwise, leave me alone.
And I'm sure this profile will be deactivated within the next few days.
Get yourself some help for the sake of your daughter.

www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/

I've already forgiven you for the way you treated me, but I will not play games.

(several hours later)

Her: (Sweet Tooth)... I want you to know that i have alot to discuss with you and i will never hurt you just give me a chance... .I dont wanna use that profile anymore and again now i have new number you can text me on it... a friend stole my phone so please do not reply my number... .
please text me on (XXX-XXX-XXXX) i have some words to share with you and i am so sorry for the past



I looked up the number out of curiosity.  It was from the other side of the country.  It might be a spam bot, but they never call people out by name. I will get a spike in activity across a few different platforms all at the same time. I'll get a few calls from numbers I don't recognize and don't leave a message and get new FB friend requests/messages. I don't know if this is an attempt to re-engage or me imagining things. It's very confusing. I would appreciate any support you have to offer. Thanks. 

Hi Sweet Tooth

It sounds like an attempt to re-engage you. It might not be her but you won't know unless you respond. If you do respond, what do you think/hope might happen?

Responding to this would have no positive effect for you, however tempting it might be.

My advice is assume it is her, don't re-engage and steer clear. The triggering effect that these things cause does diminish with time and it takes less time to recover as time goes on.

Good luck.

I don't have FB anymore... .evil it is in many ways. But that's another issue.

Each of us has different experiences with ex's trying to work their way back in. Mine failed over and over and over. The promises, love bombing and adulation for a week or two; then despair when the demon returned was too much to bear. I almost lost my mind. My spouse was diagnosed repeatedly by different therapists. Even in therapy which didn't last long she continued to externalize and blame the behavior on me, situations, and everyone else in her life. My one condition for staying that she remain in treatment became the trigger and the behavior got worse as she had another reason to resent me.

My advice, don't take the bait. I would also say have no further contact... .but I know different. You will. Don't be reeled in. The heart craves, but I suspect that you already know the despair that will come out of it.  Good luck.

Thank you both. I sent a reply affirming my boundary: Contact me through your cell or actual profile. I did it for myself. I need to learn to make boundaries and stick to them. I figured this would be a good exercise in that practice. It felt empowering and like I gained back some of my self worth. If she responds after that I won't respond or block the profile, also to empower myself.

Hi sweet tooth,


What's the difference if she contacts you through a fake profile or your cell? It sounds like you're pretty certain that it is her coming through a fake profile, if she were to contact you on your phone it would confirm what you already know.

A boundary could be something like if she contacts me from a fake profile, through my phone or actual profile, I won't respond to her. Eventually she'll get the picture, she'll stop contacting you because if she sends something to you, you're likely not going to respond.

What a weird way to contact someone... .she sounds nuts. No offense.

You've stated your boundary - that if she wants to initiate contact that it should be up-front, normal, straightforward. I get that.

But, she is ignoring your stated boundaries and is being devious, deceptive and manipulative.

Stick to your boundaries.

At Mutt: The difference is I'm willing to hear somebody out if they want to have a healthy, adult conversation. Although I don't want to be in a relationship with this person I would like to be on friendly terms. As messed up as she is, I still care about her. It would be nice to be able to see her in public and be able to have civil interaction rather than the two of us make fleeting eye contact while avoiding each other (even though it's obvious we're both curious about the other). I'm not typically the kind of person to completely cut off other people and say "f*** 'em." It's not a Christian thing to do.

At letitbe and stimpy: Of course she's nuts! If she wasn't NUTS I wouldn't be on this site! Also, I'm sticking to my boundary, Stimpy. It's empowering.

I empathise with you Sweet Tooth.

My situation has similarities and differences.

I live very close to my exe's house, I went no contact a year ago and think it's the best way forward. Not easy but best.

If this is your ex then she is using extraordinarily devious efforts to get you to make contact. My ex is subtler - this may be because he is a quiet type BPD and we are older, but still devious.

During nc I have been careful to avoid places where I might see him. Three months after I went nc he returned a piece of jewelry to my house - something that had been "lost" before we broke up, putting it through the letter box with a note. I think he expected me to respond, I think it was a hook. I came here to seek advice, I did not contact him to thank him.  By chance I saw him five months later, in the street, he was overly friendly, trying to trigger me I think.  

I saw him four weeks ago in the street, again very friendly. Said he'd had a special photo album made of a holiday we took eighteen months ago - he had mentioned this during the push/pull of our split. But not mentioned again. It had fleetingly occurred to me that this was the only remaining hook left to him but forgot about it. He asked me if I wanted the album. Caught off guard I said okay, why not. I don't want it but I don't want him to paint me black ("Troisette is so ungrateful... ." in the small a gossipy town where we live. He said he'd deliver it to my house. Silence for four weeks, again I think he thought I'd contact him to enquire when he would deliver it. Then a phone call yesterday, asking if he could deliver it in an hour's time.

You see the pattern? It's different from yours but our exes are different people. But there is an individual pattern to their responses that becomes familiar after a while and with distance.

If this is your ex, her pattern is devious in a different way to my ex's. But both require the move to  break nc to be made by us.

I also felt empowered when I went nc, I think your comment about contacting you via her real cell might be misinterpreted as a semi-invitation for her to call, an erosion of your boundaries. I don't want to be unpleasant to my ex either but I have found strong boundaries to be essential.

I responded to his phone message yesterday by email. Saying I am busy with family visiting (true) and that I will contact him when it's mutually convenient to deliver the album. My boundary. Although I don't want the album, I'm only accepting it because I don't want to give reason to be devalued around town.

It's fine balancing, and best wishes to you in finding the balance.  

You can have compassion with boundaries, self protection is looking after yourself, it's self compassion. How is compassion not a Christian thing? I know that I didn't have boundaries or I had floating boundaries and that didn't work out, how did that work out for you?

So I got another message:

HERSweet Tooth), I really understand what you talking about and how you feel about the past but right now i dont have your cell phone any longer... Send me your number and i will give you a call and explain thing to you... .I want you to bear with me with understanding and i wont misuse the second chance i promise... .I believe me this time (Sweet Tooth).

I took a nap. When I woke up I noticed that I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, but from within her area code... .

I looked up the number. All it says is that it's a Verizon landline established in 1994. No business name. No home/person name. It's from a town that's a fifteen minute ride from where she lived when we were together. I suppose that would fit her narrative of losing her phone. However, assuming it's her, it proves that her not having my number is a lie. I'm not going to respond on the FB account in order to maintain the boundary even though I want to.

Sometimes people won't allow you to do the Christian thing for them, and you have to do it for yourself.   And just because you no longer are involved with them doesn't necessarily mean you say f&€$ them.   I would have liked to have been friends and on good terms with my exBPD also, but I came to the realization I'm not a yo-yo or a piece of rubbish that will lie in the garbage until she comes to retrieve it.   

Stay away from social media, especially "fakebook".

Stay NC no matter what, if you need to block her in all areas of possible contact then do it.

We need to have enough time away from the craziness to detach and get far enough out of the FOG to see things clearly. Once we are far enough along on our detachment, their attempts at contact won't bother us.

We haven't been in direct contact since March. Every time I feel significantly detached I get some spoofed phone calls and dubious Facebook messages/friend requests. It's been very hard to completely detach. I'm embarrassed to show the conversation to my T. I really am. I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts... .

I received ANOTHER fake profile Friend Request today... .

Whether she's texting you, contacting you via facebook (with a real or fake profile!), calling you, emailing you, or knocking on your doorstep, that's not the important question for you, and you can drive yourself crazy chasing down a rabbit hole there.

What do you want with her? Recycle? Friends? Loose acquaintance or FB only friend?

Or do you just not want to deal with her anymore?

And if you want some kind of connection with her... .then think about what to say that might lead you in that direction.

At this point I would prefer "friendly acquaintance." I don't want a full blown recycle and I don't want us to be unfriendly toward each other. I would like a gray rather than a black/white thing.

Whether or not I'm being contacted through legitimate means IS significant. One way is an appropriate interaction that could potentially have a positive outcome. The other is disrespectful, inappropriate, childish, and manipulative.

It is MORE important what you want with her than how she tries to get a hold of you... .and you need to start from your values and what you want, instead of focusing on what she is doing/what it really means/what she's thinking/etc... .she's likely to be all over the place, and if you chase her, you will be all over the place too, and that's no fun for you!

Now that you have a goal (friendly acquaintances), what can you do with what is coming in?

Is she creating fake FB profiles just to contact you--Is she playing games with the whole world on FB, or just you?

If she's just making a mess on FB, then steer clear of her on FB. Next time/next account, tell her that you won't contact her on FB, but you will text/email her instead if she gives you contact info. (Depending on whether you are more comfortable with email or text... .or if you prefer some other way to communicate)

If you think she's aiming mind games at you specifically, then just ignore her, and block the accounts. And sadly acknowledge that she cannot be a "friendly acquaintance" with you, but can only be a mind-game-playing-hot-mess with you.

I told her that I would communicate with her if she contacted me through my cell or through her main FB page and she continues to play games. She gave me a number to call. I looked it up and it was a cell from the other side of the USA marked as "unsafe." I know she had my cell number. She told me she used to delete people's numbers but write them down for some reason. She could also go through out FB interactions where I gave her my number originally. Plus, she keeps spoof calling my number (and denying it). It's all about control and mind games. She's incapable of healthy, normal, adult interactions on a long term basis.

I think she is dysregulating. When we were together she would disappear for days or weeks at a time. I'm starting to understand the pattern now. She disappears from whoever she's with and harasses the people she wants to connect with but can't (because of issues in her own mind). After she stops dysregulating I won't get any calls or FB friend requests/messages until she dysregulates again. I think that's the pattern. The Thanksgiving holiday might have been a trigger. I have to discuss it with my T the next time I meet with him. The behaviors are frequent enough to be a nuisance but not severe enough to get authorities involved, which is frustrating. Plus, I can't actually prove it's her. It's all very sneaky and manipulative.

Well let's put it this way Sweet. If you never had these types of things happen to you before your ex then 1+1 = 2. It's your ex. It really baffles me that they do this stuff but they aren't mentally healthy anyway so. I got the same things . Fake FB messages. That's stopped. Then I got the prank calls on both my cel and home phone. Got weird calls from Canada (where my ex lives). Now mind you I have Never gotten any of these things Before my ex came back in a romantic sense into my life. After my disguard and trying to help her I started getting the Fake Fab messages last New Year's Eve. Well things have since calmed down now . But do they really ever leave us alone ? If I were you I would just ignore anymore messages. You told your ex that you want to talk to her as her not hiding behind some fake account. Stand by that. But to be honest if you let her back in it will be more of the same crap she did to you before if not worse then before. Do you want that? Stay strong my friend!

If your T has experience with BPD he wouldn't think you are nuts, and you certainly shouldn't be embarrassed about having trouble detaching; look at how many others here have had trouble detaching, myself included. You have been around here awhile, you know you are not alone in your struggles, and you know what so many others have said works best to detach.

When you commit to going complete NC (regardless of what your ex. does), it is very painful but necessary to heal. You need to get far enough out of the FOG to see things clearly, and the only way to do that is to remain NC and focus on you.

With me it stops for awhile and then starts up again. It's a nuisance. Why can't these people just act like adults? I freely admit, I pulled stuff like this when I was 13-14, but we're grown people now. It's juvenile and hurtful.

That's just it Sweet you grew up! These types of people don't. They are not mature enough to handle relationships. They act like kids in a way. Believe me it's NOT you. I know how hard it is. Trust me I do. There are days and weeks that I'm fine and then I'll drive by my exs childhood house in my neighborhood and that will trigger me to miss her. We all struggle.  But time does heal all wounds. Stay strong. I know it's hard. But remember this... .unless she gets help from a professional and goes and gets therapy and sticks with it she will always be the same and go thru life the way she has been.

All you can do is accept that she's NOT capable of acting like the kind of adult you want to be with... .even as a friendly acquaintance.

Doesn't matter what other good characteristics she has--she's just not capable of being reasonable, or at least not capable of it regarding you.

What else do you need to believe that even that level of contact with her is no longer worth your time and effort?

You're right. It's a hard pill to swallow, but you're right.

It sounds like you would like a closer connection with your friend? How can you empower yourself to reach out?

 

  Yeah, it is tough.

It might be easier if you just try to accept that she is like this now, and could someday change.

For one thing, all of us (whether we have BPD, other mental illness, or are normal/healthy!) need some time to come to peace with a romantic breakup and be able to be friendly. Weeks, maybe months or even years. And that if we stay in too close a contact, or stay too obsessed during that time, it is prolonged.

You don't have to shut her out forever... .all you have to do is back away from these clearly messed up ways of reaching out. And if you don't hear anything at all for months, you can reach out to her again then as a friend.

And this applies to you too--in a few months, you will probably find a lot less emotional charge from these weird shadow FB contacts, and be more able to be just a friend to her... .making it easier on both of you should this happen.

Alternatively, full recovery from BPD is possible, but a long process, and pretty rare. Please don't hold your breath for that.

That's not happening. She's too toxic/mentally ill to reach out to. She also ordered me not to contact her again. I also believe she has the potential to be dangerous from a legal standpoint. She had her ex-husband thrown in jail for seven days in a sneaky and dubious manner. It's just not worth it.

Thank you for your insights, Grey. My T expressed similar sentiments.

I see.

I'm so used to speaking to people in person, I'm not sure I'm going to get a handle on this message board thing.

The whole anonymous thing throws me too.

 nite

Good night... .

I do not have a fb account. My ex created  one as me. send msgs to all my other exs ,family, coworkers, and business associates.  They punish you longer than you knew of them. Was thinking of creating new account but not until I'm off the grid.

That's crazy!

Sorry to hear that it sounds like you have been having a tough time. Here is some emotional support 

I sent a final message to the profile.  I basically said that I still care about her but I can't continue this.  Then I blocked the profile.

Good for you.
Remember to block anything else you can too; total NC is the best way out of the FOG.

I don't know why, but I don't have the heart to block her phone number or her actual FB profile.

If you aren't getting unwanted, inappropriate, manipulative, or abusive contacts through either of those, you don't need to. This kind of blocking is to protect you.

Q: Are you FB friends? Do you look at her FB profile/wall/pics/etc?

She deactivated her FB for a long time. After reactiving her account, she immediately deleted my friend who introduced us and myself from her Friend List. I don't look at her page anymore. It causes me too much emotional distress so I just don't do it. She doesn't have a lot visible to see anyway. I know this is horrible, but knowing she put on about 40-50 lbs from the day I met her actually makes me feel a little better. She got pretty dumpy.

You know what is best for you in your mind, it takes time for the heart to catch up.

Blocking isn't just about maintaining NC, it is also you confirming a decision you know is best for you; a commitment to detach and heal.