BPDFamily.com

Good morning folks,

I'm very new here and have no idea what to expect.  Just out of a 29 year relationship with a BPD; 3 months out give or take a day... .and chaos of a type I never experienced inside the relationship has ensued and now just eerie silence.  Moving on for me has just been tiny steps taken one at a time but this is hard, maybe the hardest personal journey I have ever experienced.  I have therapy, great friends and family but the very nature of living with a BPD makes this so isolating.  So I find myself here because I think I need to have insight/feedback from people who have walked, in their own way, my path. 

Good Morning RAPIDclassic1

Welcome to BPD Family! 

Sorry to hear about the difficulties you are experiencing, 29 years is a very long time to be married.

It sounds as if you have a great network of support but as you mentioned I have found this site invaluable as there are parts of these relationships that no one (not even me most of the time) can understand.

chaos of a type I never experienced inside the relationship has ensued
What is happening now?  Are you still living together.

JRB

Thanks JRB,

I'm out, have been in effect for 3 months.  The chaos has centered around my ex creating crisis(s) that pull me back and controlling property and the legal side of separation.  Really extreme acts that are highly contradictory in nature... .push away and pull back type events.  The therapy I'm getting is centred around having enough conviction to not be pulled back into the relationship and to understand the what I call the "2+2=5" environment.

For the record, once you solve the "2+2=5" equation, the answer will change to "the sky is blue". I have learned the hard way that BPD is kryptonite to a logical person! :)

There it is, no matter what I do or give as input, the output is unexpected or some compromise on what should have happened in otherwise normal circumstances.   I am trying to finally accept this... .there was no reasonable or correct approach... for me it was endure until I couldn't any longer.  I don't think it can be solved; kryptonite is the perfect word.

Hi RAPIDClassic1,  


I'd like to join the others and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this.


I'm not surprised. Regardless if a pwBPD leaves you or you leave them you'll most likely face an emotional barrage and I agree with your observation, it can be the most difficult thing to face, you're not alone. The legal side of the separation should mostly be handled by your lawyer? I'd shift that stress to your L.


Do you feel guilty?

Thanks Mutt,  Happy to find this place.

I've not hired a lawyer, it's complicated here due to the no fault provisions of our matrimonial property act and the nature of the legal profession.  Also, fear of unleashing WWIII by doing so.  I have sought legal advice without retaining someone, that choice is there for me if I need it.

The guilt I feel (twofold)is about 1. not being able to cope any longer in a BPD relationship and 2. not getting out.  It felt like I was wasting my life... .I lasted through the kids growing up and out and our careers evolving and then checked out... .but waited 3-5 years to actually walk out... .a complete lack of courage on my part.  Even now, the lure of that relationship is so very powerful.  I have to remind myself everyday about what it was and what it did to me but I still can't reconcile my failure to act when it was time to.  I think I was being opportunistic in my timing and that's just flat out selfish.  It gets hard when my own imperfections float into the matrix of my BPD relationship.  Things get cloudy fast.

You'll find that a lot of us can relate with that cloud or what we call fog ( fear, obligation, guilt ) I think that you're probably feeling the obligation and guilt in fog.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)


I'd suggest to read Bill Eddy's book to get prepped.

 Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0)

That being said, is it the sanctity of marriage that has you feeling guilt? Do you feel like you failed?

She alienated her entire family, has no friends and is alone... .someone I care about is even more lost and struggling - that's the guilt... .my usual response was to fix and repair... .not run away.  I know I have to stay away and I know things will be better for me but  not so for her, at least not for a long time.

You made a tough call.You cared about her even though the environment at home was 2+2=5. You have a long history with her, you don't have to go through this alone, we'll walk with you through this. Hang in there.

Thanks again!

Wow, this place is amazing to me... .I've been so alone in this for so long... .I guess everyone was at one point or another in a BPD situation.  I've just recently put all the pieces together that brought me here and am relieved mostly because support from people outside of a BPD situation didn't seem to help; like they just don't get it like you folks obviously do.