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I'm just tired of saying "I'm sorry" 10 times a week. I really hate "feelings" if I don't hear the words "you don't care about my feelings" again, I would die a very happy man. Something I do, happens at work, the dog does, an ex friend does, a waitresses does, or throw the dice, and I'm getting rage about not careing about her feelings. I just want to be happy.

Saying sorry all the time (for things you aren't sorry for) has to be really, really demoralizing for you

Is this something that goes back a ways? It was a surprise for me to realize I was in a marriage with the exact same dynamics as my family of origin (apologizing for things just to keep the peace, whether I did the thing or not).

People with BPD fundamentally do not trust -- it sounds like she has caught on to the fact that you validate with words that may lack empathy, and this makes her distrustful. Maybe she is picking up on your fatigue and resentment? If so, this would make any attempts to validate ineffective, unfortunately.

Have you tried asking validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025)? This can add an important twist to validation, because it helps put the onus for solving problems back on her where she can own it.

My Mom was the Queen of the house. Everyone made sure to keep the peace. Everyone walked on eggshells around her. She would explode at any moment. So yes I have  

My wife has started saying "Instead of apologizing all the time, just don't do things that piss me off".

I'll try the questions. Thanks

What do you think will happen if you just detach and stop caring about her rages. Your NOT going to fix her or make her happy no matter what you do. Walking on eggshells doesn't help. So what if you just do what makes you happy. Imagine a world where no matter what you do pisses her off and she rages? I feel like I have stopped walking on eggshells lately and its great. Finally learned how. Probably still have some work to do though. If she feels bad all the time and you walking on eggshells and saying sorry for things your not doing makes you feel bad then are you able to stop it? Why say sorry all the time? Does it help or enable her? Id personally just set a goal in your head that you wont take fault for things that are not your fault. You wont apologize for things that your not doing wrong. You wont accept her trying to make you feel bad for things you didn't do. Even if you did make a small mistake your human and no need to rage about it. Next time she says you don't care about her feelings what if you say "I do care about your feelings but I cant change how you feel about that". She will probably rage more. She will probably accuse you more. But eventually its up to her to decide if you care or not.

This REALLY pisses her off. She says she hates to be blown off. She also told me she cheated on her last husband because he started blowing her off all the time and didn't value her feelings. I'm thinking he just got tired.


If I say I am sorry and validate her feelings I can stop the rage most of the time. I'm just so tired of it. I do not want to have to validate anymore. I'm sure most of us here love the 50% of the time we are treated like royalty. It is like "I love you" I love you" ":)id you just sneeze all over me?" "I feel like you don't care about my feelings and that is why you sneezed all over me". I turned around and sneezed, I am very sorry if you feel like I sneezed all over you. "Why can't you just take responsibility? What do you think happens when you f****** sneeze all over someone!" I turned around. "The f****** wind blew it all over me. Are you calling me a f***** liar!" I'm very sorry it got on you. "No you are not or you wouldn't have done it. You don't give a s*** about me or my feelings!" And the night is over.

Yesterday the kids (hers from a prev marriage) decided to put the Christmas tree up and surprise her. She was so angry. She started yelling that she didn't want the green balls on the tree this year. The kids started rushing to get the green balls off. But she went into her bathroom and slammed the door. I talked to her through the door and she was crying. She was screaming that nobody asked her what she wanted on the tree. Nobody gives a f*** about her feelings. I tried to tell her they were doing this for her. And she just screamed for us all to leave her alone. The day was going great until then.

I guess I feel like no matter what... .she will rage. The more I try to validate, the more she manipulates and escalates. I guess it hit me like a ton of bricks that no matter what I did I couldn't calm her down, I couldn't change her actions. There was nothing I could do and I was ALWAYS wrong in her eyes. So I just kinda let it go. I accepted that I couldn't change her ways.

I wont be put down when I have done nothing wrong. I wont be controlled. I wont say sorry when I have not done anything wrong. When she makes threats to leave I show her the door and say she is welcome to leave but I wont be forced to accept your abuse. Yes she rages. Yeah she gets really pissed off.

If there were kids involved then I would most likely set up cameras and record everything. Record every rage and the way she yells and screams because I checked the time on my phone or woke up earlier than she thought I should.

When she says I don't care about her feelings I say... .I do care about your feelings but I wont take being abused. I wont take being blamed for something I didn't do. I do care about you but if that's what you believe I cant control your feelings. Then let her be.

This absolutely has not made her any better. But man I feel so much better. She wasn't happy when I was being a simp so nothing has changed. She still isn't happy when I don't let her control me but I am a lot happier.

Great advice. Thanks!