BPDFamily.com

Well I have posted on detaching and conflicted and now am not sure whether I should be back on detaching. I sent BPD gf an email suggesting both needing to change and received reply with more of the same circular blame and no acceptance of her part in the difficulties. No answer to the " we both need to change to have this relationship work, I am willing are you?" question posed by me and suggested by friends here. I did not reply, as there was nothing to reply to.So I guess I am in the feeling of sadness and also a sense of relief all mixed in together. I am about to take a trip out of the country and feel like this is so final. Very painful, but I don't see any future for this relationship. There has been absolutely no mutual acceptance or sign of willingness from her, so I am out of options. I feel like I had invested so much  of me into this hopeless relationship with a sometimes wonderful woman, but the crazy parts of this last 4 years have worn me out. Any suggestions folks, I suppose I had better get into the detaching mode, so sad.

Detaching and ultimately acceptance that despite what you will change SHE WON'T.
 

Hey Mike, It's normal for you to feel exhausted, in my view, because being in a BPD r/s takes a tremendous amount of energy.  Towards the end, I was completely depleted.  Suggest you focus on what you can do for yourself to rest and recharge.

LuckyJim

There are options in between staying and detaching.

What would a r/s look like where you lived your life and invited her along, as long as she respected your boundaries?  Let her make the choice.

So... .on days when she is nice, you have good relationship. On days when she wants to blame, let her blame... .and take your ears somewhere else.

I would STOP trying to use words (written and spoken) to convince her of things.  How has that worked so far?  

How can you use your actions, in a healthy way, to "convince" her of things?

FF

Thanks all. Formflier, I appreciate your idea of options. I would love to be able to get to the stage where I could have the conversation about a future, boundaries in place and invite her along too. That would be perfect. I have no idea how to go about initiating such a conversation and you also said about stopping using words, so how could any actions on my part change anything. We are not living together, we have not seen each other for six weeks or so. I would be grateful for any suggestions. I do take your point about words and how has that worked? ( well of course it hasn't ). So where to from here. Not sure how to initiate anything.
Any ideas welcome.
Thanks
Mike L

With pwBPD you "say" much more with your actions, than you do your words.

You get to "say" the things you want, she gets to choose to listen or not.

If you use the tools right... .there is a very good chance she will "hear", which does increase the chances she will make a choice you will like.


Step 1 is to take a dispassionate look at your relationship, through the lens of the knowledge you have gained from this website and perhaps therapy.  Once you have an accurate view of your part in the "dance" of your relationship, especially parts that are dysfunctional, YOU can change that part.

99.9% guarantees the other person to change the way they dance in the relationship.  We can't pick exactly how they change or what the new relationship will look like, but if we (the nons) are being healthier, very likely the r/s will be somewhat healthier.

Wash, rinse, dry... .repeat.  Making sure that new changes are always towards a healthier place.  Eventually you will get a better idea of where the r/s can really go.  From there you can make an informed decision if you want to stay in it.

For me:  I've figured out that if our marriage relationship is more distant, a bit aloof, there is a lot of stability in our family, especially for kids.  Not want I "want", but certainly a good life where I can raise good kids.

Note:  Being aloof keeps her more towards the "pull" side of things, which is generally less abusive than the "push" (get away from me you creep) side of the r/s.

FF