BPDFamily.com

In a relationship with a BP. I guess I attract them... .

It's been several years since I broke things off with the first partner I had with BPD... .he was diagnosed after he attempted suicide after I dumped him.

I'm sure my current boyfriend has the disorder as well, and while he is aware he has mental issues, he didn't seem to know what it was when I mentioned it, so I guess he thinks he has something else. Certainly, BPD is not his only problem. I can't really talk to him about it, either, since I already mentioned to him that my ex has it, and he doesn't want to be compared to any of my exes... .nor be reminded of their existence, for that matter.

I have convinced him to start taking medication when he needs it and to start seeing the therapist he knows from his childhood. Unfortunately, therapist might be going out of town and I'm not sure if he will consent to go see someone else if that happens.

 Anyway, I've been doing a lot of reading on BPD and different mental health issues recently. I have my own issues with depression, low self esteem, and social anxiety.

I hope to find some support here and learn how to better deal with him. I have told him he needs to be nicer to me, as he is verbally abusive when he flies into a rage. This is especially harmful to me, since my father was also verbally abusive.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this, and I'm kind of afraid to speak to my family about it, since I know he would be angry about that. He would no doubt also be angry if he knew I was posting this message, so hopeful he won't find out.

Anyway, I guess that's as good of an introduction as any... .

Welcome and hello  :)

Knowing that you struggle with depression, low self esteem, and social anxiety is important self knowledge to have! It takes strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, so understanding your own emotional landscape can be very helpful as you work your way toward emotional resilience.

With BPD, actions are more important than words. Telling him to be nice to you will not likely have an effect. You will have to show him with actions that you expect better treatment, and you can do this by communicating in gentle, non-shaming words.

What do you think about having a conversation (when he is not emotionally dysregulated) about what you will do when he loses his temper. Something like, "I feel bad when people say mean things to me, and to take care of myself, I have to take a break to collect myself until I'm ready to talk again. If I hold my hand up and ask for a break, it means I have to walk and pull myself together, and will call you when I feel better."

If your dad was verbally abusive, this may be tough to do. Do you have a counselor who can do deep healing work with you?

Hi lived,

Thanks for the reply. When I asked him to be 'nicer' I focused mainly on the verbal abuse, and I told him basically that I couldn't put up with that... .and that if things were to continue as they were I couldn't stay in the relationship. He has been making an effort to be less verbally abusive, and if he gets too angry and can't control himself he has started taking antipsychotics to calm down.

One thing which makes it particularly difficult to propose a time out when he starts a fight is that he's also an alcoholic and on top of that drives recklessly when he's angry (all the time, not only when he's drinking)... .he's pretty much staying at my place and he lives like an hour away... .so I don't feel comfortable telling him to leave... .even his friends live a half hour drive away. Another thing is that he threatens to cheat on me, so I'm afraid if he's upset he might do so. I don't think I could tolerate that on top of everything else.

I did start seeing a counsellor when I was with the BPD who tried to kill himself when I left him, however I didn't feel like she was really helping me that much, so I stopped seeing her after the relationship ended. I have thought of starting to see someone again, because then at least I would have someone to talk to about all of this, however it isn't cheap... .I'm not working that much and my boyfriend hates my job so I don't feel like I can really start working more or look for another part-time position. He offered to pay for therapy for me the other night because we went out for my birthday and I became really emotional and started crying, but he is having financial problems and I don't really want to add to his stresses, so I'm not sure I should take him up on that.

I apologized to him for being emotional and making him feel like I didn't appreciate him taking me out, and it seemed like he accepted my apology, but since then he's been really distant, so I don't really know what's going on.