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We broke up for the final time in September and she immediately started seeing someone else. She had told me the week before that we would be together forever and she would always be there for me. It was an awful roller coaster relationship. I flipped and sent her hundreds of text messages that day (definitely addicted). Unfortunately I then got drunk twice a couple weeks later and sent mean messages to her and indicated I was aware of the new guy even though she had said repeatedly even after the breakup that she wouldn't be dating for a very long time. She had her adult children contact me to tell me to leave her alone or the police would be involved next time. I have so much guilt about lashing out at her like I did and I have never been so depressed in my entire life. It's a struggle just to function and I've missed a lot of work and lost almost 20 pounds.

As awful as she is, part of me wants to hear from her but I don't think it will ever happen as I think she will take pride in knowing I'm hurting and maintaining no contact forever.

Any thoughts?

I can offer you some advice from my own situation. Keep in mind every individual is different.
1. I haven't heard DIRECTLY from my ex since she told me not to come tact her again. However, I've received numerous calls from unknown numbers without a message left, numerous "private profile" LinkedIn views, unusual FB friend requests from unknown people, and a few bizarre FB messages from people fake profiles. Before the discard I very rarely had ANY of those things happen, let alone regularly on several different platforms. Only time will tell if you'all hear from her again, directly or otherwise. Prepare yourself for the annoyances. They also make it difficult to completely detach.
2. It's natural to feel negative emotions such as sadness, anger, or depression when somebody you care about hurts and betrays you.
3. Why do you feel guilt for contacting her? You were confused, mistreated, and naturally wanted clarification of why the situation went sour. Maybe you could have handled it better, but your emotions were certainly justified.
4. I suggest you work on forgiveness. Forgive her for mistreating you and forgive yourself for your reaction. I feel better when I look at my ex with forgiveness. I view her as somebody pitiable now rather than somebody who deserves contempt. A wise man once said, "Holding into anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to become ill."
5. I suggest you find a counselor to help you develop coping skills and work on healing your depression.
6. A common issue with people who exhibiti BPD traits is inconsistency. The moment she told you she didn't want to date anybody for a long time it was TRUE... .for that moment. The next moment could produce a completely different feeling. Since they create reality around their feelings a new feeling also creates a new reality.
7. Good luck

Likely.  Keep in mind it's an attachment disorder. As long as they have a attachment you likely won't hear from them for awhile... .until that person screws up in her eyes.

When I read your post I see me. You are still hoping your ex will reach out.  I know right now you don't see it, but the longer it takes... .

The better for you. 

Love is not carelessly abandoning one for another. The silent cutoff is cruel and not normal.

I still wish my ex would reach out just to validate she is BPD... .not because I want her back.  It's been two years in May and she lives with my replacement.
I don't miss the lying, cheating or abuse. Unfortunately I became conditioned to the push pill and it's like being weaned off drugs. It's hard.

It's difficult to get over them but you will. Try not to worry if your ex is coming back and instead start to focus on why you stayed in a bad relationship with a nasty person.

And take the RO threats seriously.  Once a BPD has split you they honestly think you are a danger to them. They completely wipe out all the good times.  Think of it as selective amnesia. If you contact her there will be people who will agree you are a stalker and they will help her file stuff against you.

Be careful and protect yourself.  I almost lost my job. I don't want to see that happen to you.  You cannot rationalize with an irrational crazy person. Don't try!

PW
 

I recently broke up with my Partner with Bpd. She blamed me for everything. Harassed me at work.got her friends to stalk me. Created documents proving i am a pedophile! I had to get a court order. Will she come back? Yes and she will try to find things i have done. Mostly from the dark crevices of her twisted mind. My last contact with her was sending her a file of where to get treatment.
I got drunk after the break up and went into hiding. Nobody knows my fixed address.

My ex is not a nasty person, although she did some very nasty things to me and other people.

Deep down my ex wants to be a good person, and i believe her, only, it is not always possible for her even with extreme efforts, cause the disease gets in the way.

We talk from time to time again, and deep down she is really sorry sometimes of what she did, hearthbreaking really to see how much she also judges herself.

And i now know, that the splitting black isn't something a non can control, even the BPD cannot control it.

It is triggered by

- Feelings of closeness
- Feelings of abandonment
- Self-blame for their own 'mishaps' on their part
- what you did and how they interpreted it

In that way, splitting white again happens when the particular mix of the above 4 elements get reset or have been faded out to the background, and eventually when they feel lonely or grow tired of their 'new' life, or run into mayor disappointment, they can do that.

important things to remember is that these 4 points can and will get triggered again in the end.

With my ex, Feelings of Closeness, is the ultimate trigger. She tries to reconnect, it lasts a few days and then she heads of again escaping feelings of Engulfment. We know eachother too well, and underneath she also must feel a great deal still for me, but that scares her so much she fears she will loose control over her life. That's the nature of Push and Pull.

On my end, it is the lack of Closeness, the closeness i knew that eats me up inside. So i realise i am part of the dynamic too.

Every pwBPD is different, so I can only speak in terms of how my BPD friend functions.  She will paint someone black, tell everyone the person is awful, etc.  But eventually, she gets to a point where she sort of realizes that the other person isn't actually awful.  She just can't stand to be at fault, so as soon as she does something wrong, she finds a way to blame it on someone else. 

We became friends two years ago.  We had a very brief sexual relationship for about a month.  Then, she attempted suicide, and a week later, she flipped out on me over something insignificant and cut me out of her life.  About six weeks later, I got a letter from her in the mail, along with some shirts she had borrowed from me.  A few weeks later, I got a text.  We were in contact again for a month, before she flipped out on me again and blocked my number.  For the next couple of months, I would occasionally get friend requests from Facebook accounts that were clearly fake.  The day after Thanksgiving, she texted me and friended me on Facebook.  Six days later, she flipped out on me again and blocked me again.  That only lasted for three weeks.  We've been on relatively good terms since then.

But even now, I will sometimes get a call from an unknown or unavailable number, and a few times, when I've looked it up on Google, I've discovered that the number originated from the town where the guy she was dating lived.  Her mom has also had it happen to her.  Over the summer, I was getting 3-4 calls from an unavailable number, almost daily.  I mentioned it to her one day, and she said it was weird but changed the subject.  After that, I didn't get any more weird calls.  Coincidence?  I think not.  And this is someone I've been on good terms with for almost a year, so imagine what might happen if I get painted black again. 

All depends on her current emotion of the moment, and the reality she creates based on it; could be even years later you are painted white again and she puts feelers out.

Focus on you, it only causes more pain if they do contact you, especially if you respond!

could be even years later you are painted white again and she puts feelers out.
Is this real? Do people really still fall even years after they've learned to live w/o their worst relationship?
Every day I spend w/o talking to her, it hasn't gotten easier. It gets harder to know i gave my heart to someone that doesn't know what it is. Someone that was drinking, drugging, and then some and in my face,  behaving like a sweet angel, and as if we had things in common. Then to later realize it was about nothing, and to top it off,  You mean to tell me after a long time have passed they "might" try it again and sometimes it works?  FK.O.o.H! Go back for what? It was all an act!  :thought:

My, ex never really reached out to me,  a FEW TIMES, but mostly no,  I hoped she would, maybe try and lie and tell me she really loved me.  How I always wanted to hear those words.  She passed away less then a year after we split.  I have never really been the same.  Not so much from the loss, but that she would have rather died, then to have just been with me.  It got that bad for her.  I didn't want to reach out to her,  I left little bread crumbs.  Created many opportunities were she could have reached out to me without loosing face, but she choose to die rather then let me back into her life.   So I do not know if your ex will reach out to you.  Just sharing my experience. 

  oh no, my ex never said she loved me. Ever
Yup!
  Not so much from the loss, but that she would have rather died, then to have just been with me.  It got that bad for her.   I'm not sure what she thought I did to her. But yup, same here.
 She never cared to reach out to me.  "I left little bread crumbs.  Created many opportunities were she could have reached out to me without loosing face, but she choose to ignore me rather than let me back into her life."

Sorry about your experience. I have all the proof that my ex never will. My comments were for others who accept being ignored for a stretch of time and then letting their ex back in.

I know it's hard but it's best not to wait and find out.
I know I waited because I wanted reassurance that I mattered. Yes I got a recycle. But I still needed reassurance she would come back again after she left me yet again.
You have your own life to live and cannot put that on hold for anyone.
Not always but, normally by the time you have moved on completely, they come back around.
Worry about it when and if she comes back.
By that time you will be better able to make the decision of recycling or rejecting her.

It wasn't about nothing, and when/if you learn enough about BPD you will realize that they loved their partners to the extent they were capable of, BPD is a serious mental illness.

Yes it is common for a PWBPD to go NC and then after a long time try to contact a previous attachment (partner); it only "works" if their ex. (us/you) allows the contact and accepts the recycle. :thought:

Q1. If you don't accept or go completely no contact, do they give up? Or do they try even harder?

I read in a blog that if you smother them with attention (reaching out often after blackened)  :) ,  a pwBPD or Bipolar, well they feel smothered. so they stay away and don't interfere with your life much.  Which brings me to
Q2. If Q1 makes sense, how can the above statement ?
Because I've heard a few of my ex gf exes had to drop off the face to avoid her. I can't right now.

Which in your experience is true?
You bug them, they ignore you. They bug you and you ignore, it's excitement for the BPD and it wants to play more. That's what I mean. I don't ignore, btw. 
Which is it?

Thanks

If you smother them with attention they will likely feel engulfed and leave you alone for a short while, then they feel abandoned-and because of the attention they know an attachment is still in place-so they will keep trying/stalking to not loose their attachment with you.

If you go complete NC they will likely try very hard to keep ANY emotional attachment with you (known as an "extinction burst", once they see that you are not responding to any contact attempts they usually move on to trying to find a replacement or trying to get an ex. back.

It can be even YEARS later when you receive a contact attempt from them, PWBPD hate loosing attachments, and the only thing we can control is what we do.

There have been a few stories on here where guys heard from their exes DECADES later.

That has happened with me, I kind of think of it as the Facebook effect, this friend knows that friend and someone tells a story and then you think, " oh remember so and so, I wonder what ever became of them."

I don't think it is a sign of still being in love with that person, more like, "Oh remember those fun times." At least for me. I'm not in love with any of my exes but I think of the good times sometimes.

I've known some pretty cool people.

I tend to leave things to cool of if things get too hectic though.

I do see some familiar names from my online dating days between my marriages on this board sometimes  lol

I guess it's a BPD thing because I can care less about the good times once I realize it was a dead head monster i was involved with. I attempted to be a friend but how much better of a person can i be to me if the biggest lie being told is me lying to myself. She cannot be rea in anywayl to anyone. I will take option A. She deserves it.

Thanks.

It's okay to get stuck. Just don't say there.
 Anthony Robbins.

I meant B. She will eventually go away.
CORRECTION
It's okay to get stuck. Just don't "stay" there