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Grandmother took my son with her to visit her other daughter, 700 miles north of here on Wednesday. She's suppose to bring him home tomorrow night. I'm sitting here thinking about just telling grandma no. I can't do this any longer. Knowing his mother is out there scheming up some crazy things with her psycho bf is just too much. I won't deal with those two retards ever again.

I'm sick, the chemo will never get better, I've been on 4 antibiotics now, still coughing, now an ear infection and for what? Because I'm trying to hard to care for my son while his mother spends his child support with her fn bf. They are free to just live the simple life while I'm killing myself. Those f####/s should be shot!

I can't take this s##t no more!

Jerry, that sounds like an awful lot to deal with and it must be incredibly hard work to soldier through with those health problems. Do you have anyone you can lean on for help taking care of your son? And yourself -- be sure to take good care of yourself too, eating well and getting enough rest.

I'm better now, had a great meeting this morning. Realized how my thinking hasn't been well for a few days. Talked to my sponsor after the meeting and he helped put things into perspective. Said to "stick to the facts" I am a good dad, I have been taking good care of my son for months, on my own. I will get over the illnesses. I asked if I were in any way responsible for my son's mother abandoning him, he said apsolutly not. She was crazy long before I met her. He said to not give my son back, it would be a disaster for him emotionally.

I know why and how I allow myself to get sick, will need to do the things I'm told and make it work. Thank God for my recovery, family, friends and this site.

I apologize for my emotional outburst and colorful language

Dear Jerry,
  It can be hard to maintain in the face of such difficulty and being sick colors our thinking and makes everything seem awful.  Venting can help, especially when you know someone is listening.  I am glad you are feeling better now.

 Hi Jerry,
   sorry you are having a hard time and are so frustrated. I feel bad for you battling your illnesses and your ex. That must feel awful. I know that sometimes I can be going along ok, then out off the blue I want to cry and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I think I am just trying to act ok, when I am falling apart on the inside. Maybe you are not dealing with your emotions and it is coming out in your health due to stress. Try as hard as you can to get away from bitterness and stress. I know you have your sponsor to talk to... .how about your pastor? Weren't you talking with one as well?
   My family is all moving out of state on Friday and I will be alone without anyone. My court date with my ex is Tuesday and I really don't want to see him... .I have been gaining weight and feeling awful. Not near as bad as you, I know... .I am not comparing. It's so frustrating. I think I am ready to start moving on one minute and then I am worried about it the next. Sometimes I do feel bad for myself. I put it aside. I am angry I am alone and he has been with someone else for practically 2 years! I am sure they started dating in Feb. 2015... .I bet he would say it didn't start until May of 2015. He actually told me that since he was dating someone when we first started, we weren't actually together. Maybe he thinks that way with this one? He has a baby with her since this May, so that changes things I am sure. She will be in your shoes eventually I suppose. I just can't believe this separating myself from him through the courts has been going on this long! I am not sure they should make people be separated a year first. I can't believe this all drags out so long and they just go on without a care! I guess between the separation in Jan. 2015 and the Divorce this year and now the lawsuit he has on me, it seems to drag out. His gf is finally getting divorced in Jan. I guess they will get married : (  I am supposed to care less... .
    I think our feelings can be allover the place. With the holidays upon us as well. Please take care of yourself. I know it is hard... .Unfortunately this is your Son's Mother and that is his reality. Unfortunately we made terrible mistakes in our past that we are coping with. They are not... .I think I am still angry I was duped. Maybe you feel that way too. Being angry doesn't change how they act. Everyone knows we are the "better" people than them. We have to believe it too. It's kind of hard when we are struggling.