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Today is Mom's Birthday and for over a week now I've been playing the game of "what would you like from me mom?".  It's a milestone - 70 - so I know she is expecting something even though all I've heard is "I don't want anything".  My father is away at hunting camp so I called this morning to ask if I might bring lunch over for her or if she'd like to go out.  She stumbled around a little bit and then said no and carried on about she didn't want anyone to fuss over her birthday.  She just called (not even 2 hours after initial call) to ask me what I was bringing for lunch.    UUUUGGGHHHH!

After a very bad emotional flashback and breakdown earlier this week, I'm having a pretty hard time with her birthday and the holidays.  uBPD M and sis are currently in best friends phase which paints me the bad child.  I want to do something for her but I also know that no matter what I do - it won't be enough.  Without even realizing it this week, I slipped back into "what can I do to make mom notice me and love me".  I let the "if I get the right gift for her" thoughts creep back in and I lost myself in the chaos.  That resulted in a very emotional breakdown in the middle of the bar with a huge group and a big fight with H that ruined our Thanksgiving meal.  I'm so mad at myself.

I know that I am completely immersed in trigger points right now.  Niece is getting married in 2 weeks, Mom's Bday, Dad's Bday, Christmas and then most of all - parent's 50th Anniversary on New Year's Eve.  Talk about the perfect storm.  I'm so torn between wanting to disengage and yet this voice inside of me is saying "do something nice for everyone and they will like you".  

Do you ever really get over the idea that you can do something to make people love you and like you or is it just something that you learn to manage?  I feel as though I took 10 steps backwards this week only to make about 2 steps forward and this after thinking I had been managing things pretty well.  I feel as though I will never get over all this and be able to experience life and friends the way most of the world does.  I'll always be worrying that I did something to offend them and what can I do to make them like me.

It's easy for me to say this,  not being in your shoes,  but "do something nice for everyone," and how they take it is on them. 

There's nothing wrong with being kind.  Actions should speak for themselves.  Expecting certain reactions sound as if where you may be stuck.  Can you do something nice,  pen that you did,  and let others own how they react to it? Tough stuff,  seeing who owns what,  but you own what you do,  not them; likewise,  they own themselves,  not you.  If you can truly realize that what you do is kind,  then feel that you aren't responsible for how they take it.