BPDFamily.com

Hey all... .I am convinced that my ex-girlfriend who was a pathological liar and serial cheater is undiagnosed BPD. Even if not worthy of the diagnosis, certainly on the spectrum to an unhealthy extent. That said, the one thing that NEVER happened was raging or acting out. She was cunning. Not boisterous, and did things more under the radar, in fact, more insidiously. Did anyone else deal with this sort of situation rather than the more typical acting out behaviors?

Cunning may be the passive/aggressiveness of other similar cluster B disorders.  It seems to be pretty difficult to get an exact diagnosis, perhaps because there are so many overlapping symptoms.  And a person may have more than one disorder.  Like they may have BPD and display narcissistic tendencies, or have adult dependency as well as manic-depressive (now called bipolar II.)  Psychiatrists devote so many hours to learning how to spot these nuances that even the most intelligent nons struggle to keep up. 
  A medical doctor once told me, "the body can only display so many symptoms."  He meant that allergies and colds can look so alike that it is hard to tell which one a child has.  Both produce congestion, watery eyes, tiredness, cough, etc. 
   It seems to me that a troubled mind has only so many expressions as well.

As for me, my exBPD was not raging for well over the year I knew him before we were married.  After we were married, it took about 6 months.

That depends.

What would you consider to be acting out, seeperplexed?

My ex didn't act out. He was more the inner brooding type. I've read that there are different "flavors" of BPD. Some are more inner focused, some outer. Mine held everything in.

My ex was "quiet" BPD. He didn't act out in public, was charming and waif like to most people.

Only a couple of episodes of dissociation in public and those around put it down to alcohol. He has superficial friendships and acquaintances but doesn't get too close to people. Possibly a defence mechanism that he's learned. He's expert at mirroring. He's undiagnosed but has all (and more) of the indicators of BPD, apart from self harm.

In our intimate relationship I saw memory lapses, cognitive distortion,  black and white thinking, idealisation and devaluation of his partners and children, push/pull, depression, rapid mood changes, mirroring, blank eyes, a confused child pretending to be an adult, inappropriate conversations about past relationships, lies about his education and career, hours spent on the internet buying, buying, buying, and some grandiosity, odd and abrupt conversational leaps. I only once saw him acting out, this was in private and was very worrying, like a mini fit. His external persona was like a cloak he put on to face the world.

They say that BPDs hate to be alone. I found that he needed time alone to recharge, this may be because he's creative and uses his art to soothe himself.

Someone on this site told me that it's harder for quiet BPDs because they don't have the release of acting out, it's enacted internally. What hell that must be.

My ex didn't act out.  She was more self destructive but focused on negative perceptions of people/things to decide whether things were good for her or not.  For example, we had many many things in common but she would take the things we didn't have in common and use them as a template to convince herself that we weren't good for each other.  It's almost as if she trained herself to discard the good things in life in the ultimate pursuit of finding perfection.  She would also make passive comments as a means to belittle without being direct.  This was common behavior from her.   When i would call her out on it she would call me too sensitive.  But then she would complain that her ex husband wasn't sensitive enough. 

Very confused individual and seems like she was on a mission to destroy the relationship.

Sounds like she was the waif type. Mine was a mix of waif, queen, witch, and even hermit.

Focus on what you said about her being a pathological liar and cheating; do you really want to be with someone who exhibits these traits?

Mine didn't act out. She lied and lived a secret life. She acted as though nothing bothered her, if I was having a terrible day she wouldn't offer comfort. It was like talking to a wall and she was extremely selfish.