BPDFamily.com

My ex husband was diagnosed with BPD back in June, although it had been suspected by several therapists and doctors for the last five years.  We divorced last year after I suffered through four years of verbal, emotional and domestic abuse (he didn't hit me, he just threw stuff live knives). I thought that after our divorce was final that things would calm down since everything had been decided in the court documents.  Unfortunately, all he's done since is cause chaos.

At least once a month, but now more often it's weekly, he's trying to create drama. He spins himself up into a frenzy with wild accusations where I have to threaten to get a restraining order (unfortunately, i can't actually get one because he's not threatening me harm). I have a very strong suspicion that he is doing drugs in front of our son (I've seen them in plain view in his house when I've gone to pick my son up), and when I confronted him about it, received an email that is the epitome of gas lighting telling me that I'm the crazy one.

Two weeks ago, I received a call and email from his attorney saying that my ex is petitioning for 50/50 custody.  Currently my ex has one day a week with our son, which was his request when we divorced. Even with only one day a week, not a month goes by that my ex isn't bailing on his parental time.  In addition, he's late on his child support every month and has refused to pay his share of medical bills from our son's surgery at the beginning of the year.  My ex hasn't even set up a bedroom for our son at his house, so he has to sleep either on the couch or with my ex when he's there his one day a week.

My ex isn't actually interested in spending any more time with his son, this is simply retaliation because I told him I would not have dinner and/or coffee with him.  The very next day I received the call from his attorney, who, from the gist of her email, knows nothing about the reality of the situation (she was not involved with our divorce). This is all to force me to pay attention to him because I've told him repeatedly that all communication has to be through email or text.  I've gone completely grey rock with him and it is clearly driving him crazy.

Another concern is that in the past two months, I've seen my ex become more and more delusional.  He's making accusations that are no where near reality, and I can tell he truly believes this.  Claims that I have intentionally withheld my son from him (never happened), that I've stolen things from him (never happened), or that I suddenly owe him tens of thousands of dollars (I don't). When he acted similarly while we were married, it was at the beginning of a downward spiral that would eventually lead to him to threaten suicide.  I suspect with the holidays coming up and him being alone (his family doesn't speak to him), it's triggering his fear of abandonment. I'm terrified of him being in this state of mind and taking care of our son.  The latest email I received from him yesterday was downright disturbing, and my son was sitting next to him as he wrote it. Clearly his attorney doesn't know that he's still harassing me after she contacted me to initiate the court proceedings.

I have an appointment with my attorney Thursday to discuss my options since my ex is taking me to court.  I don't have the money to go through this right now given I've used my savings to make up for my ex's lack of child support and cooperation on the medical bills. I'm not even sure what my options are at this point. Luckily, I have extensive documentation in emails, texts, photos, bank statements and my own recording of events to more that support my case.  I hope it's enough to stop this, but I've heard horror stories from others that it might not be.

In the meantime, I'm not responding to any of the emails or texts from my ex, as I'm sure his attorney would advise him not to contact me to begin with.  Plus I'm just not going to feed into his delusions.

Has anyone been through anything similar? Do you have advice to share? I feel like this might be the final showdown with him, but that it's going to bankrupt me to get there.

One observation here is that in most cases attempts to mollify, appease or retreat just invite (enable) more demands and obstructions.  It is important that you have good boundaries for yourself to limit the chaos and damage since he won't self-regulate on his own.

If he doesn't take overnights now then him asking for equal time is a bit much.  It may be a negotiation ploy by his lawyer, asking for the moon knowing they won't get everything they seek.  Translation:  This may be saber rattling to unnerve you, don't fall for it.  And don't fret too much.  A judge, hopefully, wont be inclined to order a jump for him from 15% to 50% all on one huge leap.  Why, what changed, would be the judge's concern?

If the children are in school, or soon will be, does he live in the area so the children can take a school bus if they spend more time with him?  Review the practical issues that would arise if he had more time with them.  Review those with an attorney.

We encourage documentation.  Why?  If you do end up in court saying "he always... ." and "she always... ." without supporting documentation gets perceived by the judge as mere he-said, she-said, makes both look as equally the problem and gets minimized by the court.  Strangely, courts often focus on common issues and technical details and give less attention to the inter-parent conflicts.  If you can document his late payments and unpaid medical obligations then the court may decide to garnish his wages in the state's child support agency, well, if he's employed.

If he gets one day per week, then those are mid-week days?  Any overnights?  I ask for various reasons:

If he doesn't take overnights now then him asking for equal time is a bit much, so what triggered this?  Is he thinking he will pay pay less child support?  Of if you earn more than he earns, is he hoping to receive child support?  (Courts don't like that attitude, seeking the child for monetary benefits.)  Did you (or he) recently get a new relationship partner and that triggered this?

If his current time is a weekend day, you never get a weekend off from exchanges.  Courts prefer to alternate the weekends for the parents, you'd get one weekend, he'd get the other.  It doesn't have to be a full alternate weekend for him, it could be a shortened one, maybe from Friday PM to Sunday PM or Saturday noon to Sunday pm.  Just some ideas, courts are very used to letting each parent have alternate weekends off.  Also, by having a full weekend you can go on weekend trips and visits (either with or without the children) without exchange concerns.

One strategy I really feel deserves consideration is to include in any response that if there are to be changes in his favor then you would apply to the court that a Custody Evaluation be made by a well qualified evaluator.  That alone may shut down his lawyer or reduce the demands.  Typically those do some psych testing along with an in depth research into the parents, their stability and ability to parent.  As my CE told me, past history or majority parenting means a lot.  At the very least, you have that and your normalcy on your side.  Odds are that he can shake the tree but not very much will come of it.

Another counter request that may deflate his aggressiveness now is that he be subject to unscheduled drug testing (within 24 hours requirement or something similar).  If he resists that then you may not get that from court unless you also agree to similar unscheduled drug testing.

Remember, be the one focused on solutions that favor the children.  He has complaints maybe (and questionable stability) but you be the parent with solution strategies.

People who are mentally ill usually display certain traits to an extreme.  We all have traits, that's what creates variety and keeps us from being assembly line robots. *)  But when traits are to an extreme you get personality disorders (PDs).  By now you've looked up the traits for Borderline, perhaps Narcissistic, Antisocial and Histrionic too.  They each have certain hallmarks or recognizable traits.  Its not uncommon for people to have traits of multiple PDs, if they have a majority of traits of more than one PD then it can be said they're "co-morbid".  With all those combinations you can experience certain patterns of behavior that are very recognizable here overall (typical) but also with flavors of other PDs thrown in the mix too.

Another concept to grasp is that courts and other professionals (police, children's services, evaluators, therapists, etc) generally don't concern themselves with seeking a diagnosis, well, unless there's already one.  The point is they evidently don't want to deal with labels that may or may not apply in a family's case.  (And they may not want us to Play Doctor either?)

For example, someone may be diagnosed as an alcoholic but then stopped over-drinking around the children.  The individual is still an alcoholic but has curbed a majority of the behaviors that impact the children.  Due to a lack of extreme negative child-related behaviors, court may not see that person's diagnosis as a big problem.  But another individual, also diagnosed alcoholic, over-drink or over-drugs repeatedly, rages even at the children and even drives intoxicated with the children in the vehicle.  If there is proof of that then the court does see that as a big problem.  So a diagnosis alone is not the key (though nice to know in case it assists the professionals to complete their tasks) it is how the person behaves, how much the children are impacted.  So while a diagnosis is helpful, most here never hear of a diagnosis.  So we do what the courts and professionals focus on, we document and report the poor behaviors, especially as they impact the children and each parent's parenting.

When presenting a case to your lawyer and before the court, give priority to what is most concerning.  Courts often brush aside all but the worst of the adult conflicts.  We're adults, court expects us to deal with it unless it is abuse such as DV.  It's different with children, they're minors and while court allow a lot of discord to reach the children, the children are their biggest focus and there is a line there somewhere where poor behaviors become evident, especially if they persist over time, and become more actionable.  So while you do report all the poor behaviors, make it more about the children rather than about you, at least when you're listing problems in priority order.

I recall the time I attended one of my divorce hearings and I had prepared a list of 11 problems, sorted by topics.  I had a neatly printed copy for me and a copy for my lawyer.  (Maybe I should have made more copies for the other lawyer and judge too?)  Well, we only covered 3 issues and the hearing ended due to time.  I regretted not putting the urgent issues in priority order since our hearings were at least two months apart, more if my then-stbEx was granted a continuance.

Another thought, many who arrive here are still hoping their spouse will recover and naturally are inclined to hide some of the poor behaviors.  Avoid that.  While we do focus priority on things impacting the children, that does not mean we hide the rest such as how we are ranted at, raged at and attacked verbally or physically.  Hiding the poor behaviors does not help the aggressor.  Hiding the poor behaviors does not help the target either.  Actually, hiding some of the poor behaviors could be sabotaging yourself.  If you have a lawyer, list it all but, as I wrote above, let abuse and how the children are impacted stand out.  What is considered actionable can vary from court to court, state to state, but it at least includes DV, substantive child neglect, child abuse and child endangerment.

Learn from our experiences.  Likely your Ex has had years to learn how to avoid consequences, obstruct just shy of the point of being actionable, skilled in guilting and making you feel obligated, targeted and powerless.  It's time for you to catch up with effective counter strategies and empowered skills.  While we're not lawyers, our hard-won experience and the peer support found here is immense.

Thank you for your responses.  You bring up a lot of excellent points, especially around organizing the priority of my points.

I’ve actually been much better the past several months with reinforcing my boundaries with my ex. Previously, I would answer all of his emails, no matter how ridiculous they were.  I refused to match his emotion and would be brief and factual, but it was still responding.  My attorney advised me to not respond at all unless it directly related to our son’s care, and to only respond one time (my ex has a habit of asking the same things over and over again regardless if I had already answered his question).  I’ve been doing this, but it’s led to him spinning even more out of control and now instigating these court proceedings under the guise that I refuse to speak to him about the upbringing of our son.  He’s wrong, and I have more than enough emails and texts to prove that I go out of my way to make sure he’s fully informed about our son and involved in any major decisions.  He insists that all these communications need to happen in person over dinner or drinks, whereas I insist all communication be through email or text for documentation purposes, and frankly, because being in his presence still terrifies me.

Our son is 2, so it’s critical that a sober adult be taking care of him at all times. He’s far from school aged, so that doesn’t really play into custody right now.  My ex has our son on Saturdays from 9am until Sunday 9am.  While I’d be open to consolidating custody to every other weekend, my ex has shown multiple times that he’s incapable of caring for our son for more than 24 hours (he brings him home early anytime we attempt additional time).  On top of that, he routinely will not take his son at all and tell me he wants to bank that time as a “make up day” of his choosing in the future. I’ve tried to explain to him that this isn’t how custody works, but it falls on deaf ears. I just got yelled at him about this two weeks ago.

Honestly, I do feel like this is largely financially motivated.  While my ex makes very good money (more than me), he’s extremely fiscally irresponsible, which is why he’s constantly late on child support or not paying bills at all. He confronted me in May about adjusting custody to lower his child support payment so he could qualify to buy a house, despite his $700/month car lease and $50k debt. I have an email where he’s put this all in writing.  I just received another rambling email last week about how he thinks I owe him all this money from our divorce, which our decree clearly shows I don’t. Everything with him revolves around money.  Ironically, at the court hearing when our divorce was finalized, he tried to talk the judge into throwing out our signed, notarized agreement and lower his child support.  He brought up everything from the fact that his cable bill was larger than he anticipated to him claiming that he was severely depressed and signed the agreement under duress.  The judge saw through all this garbage and chastised my ex for wasting his time and putting me through this.  He also said that this would go into the court records, so if we ever came back to court for something similar (as we will be now), his opinion would be documented for the new judge.  So I feel like I have a lot on my side here.

I also definitely already plan on pursuing the drug test.  My ex is an expert at cheating urine tests (he’s had to take one for all six jobs he’s had in the last five years), so I’ve looked into a new hair follicle text for our son that tests for exposure. I’m planning on talking to my attorney about this on Thursday.

And you’re absolutely right, his attorney is definitely trying to intimidate me and make me feel as if I don’t have options or a say in this matter.  But the way I see it, given the stories he told her portraying him as the victim, I can’t really blame her.  She has no idea who he truly is or what he’s done.  And I wonder if she’ll still encourage litigation once she see’s the mounds of documentation I have that he can’t argue.

I would seriously ponder changing to some sort of alternate weekend schedule, it is almost universal in most cases.  You could counter offer a short alternate weekend, perhaps similar to what he has now on a weekend but since it is so short then offer a midweek evening such as the Thursday evening after his weekend, also common in orders.  That's as close as you can get to midway between alternating weekends.

Why do I encourage that sort of change, well, if there is a change?  For one, it brings you closer in line to other orders the court is familiar with issuing.  Second, you get a weekend off from exchanges.  Right now you can't get away on any weekend because he gets his 24 hours every weekend.

You could always add a clause that if you needed to be away for an event (vacation, wedding, family gathering, etc) then he could choose an off weekend (not previously reserved by you) before or after as a standard trade.  Probably in order for a trade framework to be put into an order you'd also let him have the same right to trade, courts generally prefer to have clauses apply similarly to each parent.

As I'm sure you know, you can't force him to take his allotted parenting time or visitation.  He is what he is, if he declines time or returns the child early, so be it.  Believe it or not, we occasionally get a parent here complaining about the other not taking the children, seeking the other to be a parent too or trying to be too fair.  I believe you don't have that "too fair" issue anymore.

Don't forget holidays.  Vacations trump the regular schedule and holidays trump vacations.  The court probably has an overlong list of holidays.  Review that and shorten it down to the important ones you and Ex want.  (My ex once denied me a vacation claiming her scheduled Kwanzaa as her holiday, which she had never observed before, and so trumped my vacation.  In court it became apparent she didn't even know what that holiday was, she thought it was Jewish.  I was in and out of court for 8 years and that was the only time my court said she was "not credible".  You don't get these very often.)

Some states allow two week vacations and set a limit on how many weeks total each year.  My state (or order) is two weeks maximum length and three weeks totals.  Probably yours specifies shorter vacation, at least until your son is older.  As for school, make sure you are in charge of schooling and medical issues.

While the custody (major issues) may be 'joint', you don't want to head to court every time he disagrees.  My cases in court took from 6 to 18 months, the delays were quite frustrating.  He doesn't sound very obstructive but you never know when he might get triggered.  Many courts refuse to grant sole custody unless there is clearly evident need, apparently they don't want a parent to feel shut out.  A workaround that is very nearly sole custody (in effect though not in name) is Decision Making or Tie Breaker.  See if either concept is acceptable to your court.  It avoids the delay of waiting for a mediation or court decision though he could still pursue it if he really wanted to.  The point is you can proceed while the court gets around to it.