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She doesn't seem to remember the exact details of our fight.

In fact, from what I can tell she feels like I abandoned her.
Despite it being the opposite where she abandoned me.
Either way I still apologized to her.

She apparently also had a date in our time apart, not sure if true or not.
Apparently it was terrible? Again not sure if true or if she want's me to 'save' her.
She also lied about reading my messages and when I sent them, rewrote history if you will.
In fact, she said she was upset that I didn't message her. Or I didn't try too. So I had to correct her in saying I did the day after our breakup.


She still doesn't know she has BPD, I'm debating if I should try telling her.
I'm pretty sure she knows she has issues.

At the same time I'm not sure if it's the right time. As we just started talking again.
Is there ever a right time though?

Hi Shadow,

I'm sorry to hear about your fight -- painful in any romantic relationship, but often especially confusing and anxiety-inducing in a relationship that shows signs of BPD.

Are you looking to detach from this relationship now? Or hoping to reconcile? Or not sure yet?


Likely, there never is a right time to simply tell someone they have a personality disorder. Particularly coming from a romantic (ex-)partner, it is likely to be taken as an accusation or as putting the blame for relationship difficulties on them. How would you feel if a romantic partner accused you of having a personality disorder?

I suppose the question to ask is: what would you be hoping to accomplish by telling her you believe she has BPD? Do you think that would lead to a positive outcome for either of you? Wouldn't she be likely to take it as an accusation or that you're blaming her for the breakup?

Back in the past she knew something was wrong with her, but couldn't figure it out.
 Part of me wonders I would give her enlightenment by letting her know. Perhaps she could fix things for herself so she doesn't live in a life of torment.  

I don't want someone I love to be in constant torment and hate themselves for the rest of their lives. Have abandonment issues. Furthermore causing chaos in their life. Who would want that?

As for reconcile or breaking apart. I'm not quite sure. It's a really hard to be with someone when their own perception of reality is flawed. Story is always rewritten, sometimes in your favor if they are in the idealization part of the cycle... Then other times you're the evil monster who can do nothing right... .

I would stay if there was progress.
Also, I think this may be genetic. Her mother is very similar.

I understand, and it's a good quality that you feel compassion for her. I would just reiterate that it's worth thinking long and hard about how she would take it if you told her she has BPD. You've just had a fight and been through a breakup. I think any of us would be liable to be hurt and angry if an ex told us we have a personality disorder in that context. You might also think carefully about your own motivations in wanting to tell her -- you have compassion and want to help, but maybe there is also a touch of wanting her to take the blame for the situation?


And what would progress look like, in your mind? What, concretely, would you need to see from her or from the relationship dynamic? I understand that there might not necessarily be a reconciliation, but it's worth thinking about what you need from a relationship and what that would look like in this one.

   It's not about the blame game. I could care less if she takes the blame or not on the fight.  Would be nice, but it's not something I'm after.
  I'm very analytical so I've already taken my part of the blame, and with every fight I always like to bring in what I did wrong so I can fix things. So it's not about me pushing the blame on her.

  My purpose of doing such a feat as telling her, Is because I think she's aware of her own disordered mind, and I would like to ease her suffering if possible. She sometimes can't tell truth and fiction. She also splits on black and white on people so it's very hard to communicate with her. Not to mention she's rewrote history many times. Many of her childhood friends have even abandoned her over the years due to being tired of lies and/or manipulation.

 In my mind, progress would be her being aware of what's going on. Perhaps making a bridge of communication so we can work on her struggles together and be able to communicate. Perhaps have some order in her life again, rather than it be all chaotic.

  I'm not sure If I'm looking for relationship anymore. I do love her, and I even care for her in that sense. But my heart is more in wanting things to be functional again.

In the end, I don't know If I will tell her I believe she has BPD. Tbh, I'm actually scared she'll take it the wrong way.
I actually don't want it to be taken as me being spiteful. I'm scared of losing communication with her by saying it too.

But I keep looking back, and wonder if it may be better if she has a clue that she may have it. Perhaps... her knowing might let her get help one day, even if it caused me to lose her even more.

I don't have the heart to tell her, as I don't want to hurt her nor want to be thought of badly.
But I don't have the heart to leave things as it is either...  I feel by not telling her, I'm also letting her down.

Hello Shadow,

Are you in a position to diagnose someone?  The reason I ask is because if you are not, then you shouldn't.  It's okay to toggle through these thoughts in your own mind, but once tell her your thoughts, there is no taking that back and who knows what the outcome may be.  My ex uBPD brought the topic up to me a couple of times as to whether she had BPD, I never agreed with her as to whether I thought it was true or not.  That's not my job or my concern and I would deflect to her bringing that subject up to her therapist.  If your partner does not have a therapist, the best course of action is to highly recommend she sees one and offer support if she requests it.  That's really all you can do.

With my ex, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.  She would ask me for support, then I would give it, then should we push me away and distance.  This cycle lasted most of our relationship.  She recognized it was unhealthy but lacked the impulse control to actually make a change to stop it.  She would then turn her own issues into a manifesto of how the relationship wasn't healthy.  It was a bizarre thing, really bizarre.  Did I make mistakes along the way?  Absolutely, and like you, I admitted them and implemented change not to repeat them and I didn't.   I have my set of emotional setbacks and I recognize what they are and am working to improve them.  However, my ex was on a completely different playing field in terms of emotional maturity and it sounds like you might be on the same page as me.

 

 I am not technically qualified. But I've researched the subject for a good amount of time once I started to expect it and realized she she fits it to a T. I've also lurked on forums constantly about BPD, and BPD relationships. Finally I've also got a bachelor in psych, but I've never continued down that road as I got a better job opportunity.
   
     I'm 100% convinced she has it.
 I've had the idea it was a possibility for approx. 2 years;  But only now I got to the point where I was convinced she does have it after reflecting on everything.

Still though, I don't think I'll say anything.
   I am not qualified after-all.
   I could suggest her seeing a therapist. But for some reason, I feel as if me saying that will make her upset more than me saying I believe she has BPD.

She definately has a different set of maturity. She tends to rewrite history and lie consistently. To the point where literally everything that comes from her mouth, I question it to myself nowadays...   She also consistently push-pulls. Never works on problems , usually is avoidant.

I think if anything, If I did tell hint it to her. The best time would be during the idealization phase if it reoccurs.
She's receptive during that time.

Usually that idealization reoccurs every time we make-up. However, i feel the dynamics may have changed and will probably not go that way this time.

Same thing that I went through.  A disagreement, usually with something that had to do with "us."  Confronting those emotions would cause her to dysregulate, devalue, and contemplate the relationship.  It was a cycle with her.  I saw it and I chose to end it.

But, leave the fixing up to someone that is qualified to do so and also remains neutral.  That's my opinion.

Hi ShadowA,

Reading your posts I see several similarities with my experience.  Basically, if you  bring up the subject of BPD, she will once again re write history, and make it her mission to make you out to be the one with a disorder.

I don't kbut now how old she is, but a person who has suffered with BPD will know there is something wrong  Either through a previous hospitalization, or through the sheer number of problems in interpersonal relationships. That being said, facing the truth is extremely scary, and with defence mechanisms strongly in place, she will continue to deny, blame, project, be a victim and continue her path of distruction. Basically she will seek help when she has no other options, and even there, she might get better but it's a long road that many abandon therapy.

As for yourself, you seem to have given up on a romantic relationship, but still want to be a part of her life.  This could turn into years of her keeping you around, where she dissapears for weeks, maybe months at a time, where she's probably with other people,  and come back for attachment maintenance.  She will relive the reunion fantasy of that initial idealization. I believe that BPD's will keep willing attachments around as long as they are willing to be kept around.

Think carefully about re writing history, lying, gaslighting, cheating it's all manipulation to keep  you around.  Meanwhile, she's meeting new people, living life, while you're waiting and wondering what you could do to make HER life better.

Hey shadow, Why the apologizing?  Presumably like many of us here you are willing to take 100% of the blame from your BPD SO even when you know you're not completely at fault.  You know you didn't abandon her, so why are you taking on this issue?

LuckyJim

That's a good question!
Even if I'm in the right, I still tend to beat myself up over things on finding anything I could handle better.
I know I didn't abandon her, but she believes I did.
Unfortunately her perspective is twisted, and I never know a perfect solution to solve it.
I think over years I probably learned to just apologize for my part and just let go of her part. Even if that isn't healthy.
It's easier.

After our little fight,
She deleted me from many social network or communication.
Supposedly she also changed her number.
From her perspective, it's because I dumped her and left her.

In actuality, I was concerned because we weren't solving some of our issues. Instead of taking note of it, she thought I was leaving her. So she then wanted to be friends, So I accepted that. She seemed upset about me accepting that easily. But said she was happy we could 'break up in peace'. That maybe I'll find someone better, yada yada...

Hours later, she removed me from everything and from the context of the text she sent me. It sounded like she made me out to be a stalker of some sort. She even changed her phone supposenly? (I haven't called to check).

She later appeared later on an mmo we would play together every other week.
Supposedly she was disappointed I didn't chase her.
Despite the fact I did message her the day of and after, then gave her space.
Supposedly went on a date because I didn't try to message her for a long time, which I corrected her on.
Yet she blocked/deleted me on social media.
Additionally, The blame was entirely put on me.

I guess I could have went to her house and tried talking to her directly, but when someone supposedly changes their number.
At one point they painted you black as if you were a stalker...
Ehh, I rather not fulfil that fantasy and make the situation worst.  lol

Good point!
 That's one thing that always bothers me.
At points I feel I should give up and go.
Then another I get hopeful thinking perhaps things could work or change.
Perhaps if I do A, and B, instead of C. Perhaps things will work?

Tbh I'm just tired of fighting and would just love normal companionship with her. Whether that be friends, relationship, or just someone I talk to every once in a while.

I'm pretty sure I've formed a unconditional love for her.
It also bothers me that if I were to leave it would heartbreak me, and also trigger her abandonment side. Which makes me feel guilty too.

Right, cbm, We Nons in a BPD r/s often choose the path of least resistance -- apologizing --because it's easier, as you note.  We justify our behavior as "keeping the peace."  Yet why do we take the blame and beat ourselves up for issues that are beyond our control or responsibility?  You know you didn't abandon her and can't control whether she believes it or not.  I did the same thing in my marriage to my BPDxW, yet now see it as an unhealthy dynamic, as you also note.

LuckyJim

Whoops, that reply was for shadow, not cbm!  LJ

Bad idea, she will likely say you are the one with a disorder.


Do you want to detach, or are you still deciding, trying to save your relationship?