BPDFamily.com

Redirecting from the ":)etaching" forum, since I really don't know WHERE I stand any more.

(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301168.0)

The background is in the link above, and I do hope you might read it... .and in summary, where we are at today. Please PLEASE offer any thoughts, support... .anything... .I am literally a complete mental wreck right now.

My pwBPD has been looking for a new place to live and a new job, both back out East (we live in Midwest).  But we have been crying like babies each day, about how much we each will miss each other. Of course, we are thinking of only the good times, but I am trying to keep firm and stand strong to the fact we need to live apart and finalize the divorce next week.
 
Still, as she is emotionally breaking down, she tells me that I am the only person she ever loved like this... .that she never wanted to be anything but my wife, still loves me and never wanted us to divorce, but is willing to go through with the divorce "for me" since I told her the emotional and verbal abuse, and the jealousy/resentment of my daughter, just has been too much for me to bear.

She owns up to the fact that this is all her fault, and she wishes she had known that her behavior, left untamed and uncounseled, would have led to this.  Of course, the threat of divorce has been lingering for months now... .but she never really thought I would go through with it.  Now that she sees I am serious, she is in full shutdown/remorse mode.

I know she loves me. I also know she has taken our relationship for granted (she admits that), has been reluctant in the past to get treatment and medication, and over the course of the past year has had several very severe life events occur (dad died, two close pets she's owned for 12 - 17 years died, money left to her by her dad was stolen by her aunt... .$60k!).  Still, the emotional and verbal abuse during that time has been very, very damaging to me. So much so, that I feel I have been close to a full nervous breakdown.

I want nothing more than a FAMILY. My stepdaughter, wife and I to work as a unit.  But my wife/pwBPD has issues with my stepdaughter (due to her own childhood abuse issues), is severely depressed and wants complete isolation much of the time.

But now... .this past weekend... .she has been packing her stuff and the house seems so empty though she's still here. Our discussions don't help. We think of the good times (though I am quick to keep the bad times close to heart). She wishes she hadn't messed up her entire life, and is saying that this... .THIS... .is forcing her to get treatment when she moves back East. She's moving because of me. Divorcing because I asked her to. And getting treatment because she doesn't want to keep hurting herself and those around her.

Do I give her another chance? Her current therapist suggests Mentalization Behavior Therapy over the next 4 - 6 months, and her psychiatrist is having her start Abilify to hopefully suppress her rage.

I haven't buckled yet. I am holding firm. I have come this far. And she hasn't asked me to reconsider. But SHOULD I reconsider and allow another 6 months of treatment on a prayer that things will be normal? Or am I just deluding myself so that I suppress my fear of being alone and my fear of being sad for the near future?

Sorry you are going through this my friend. The answer you seek is a difficult one. Let me just say this... .if my uBPDw had said even half the things that yours did about her part in the destruction of our marriage I would give it one more chance.
My uBPDw has never admitted any wrongdoing at all.
It has and will always be my fault. She thinks she is perfect.
It is impossible to work with somebody who operates on that level.

Hey sunset, Why not finalize the divorce and then see what happens?  If she changes, you can reconsider.  In the meantime, you can move on with your life.  LJ

My friends/family, and my own reading of BPD, all lean towards this being the manipulative part, though. No?

LJ has some very wise advice.

Your "stance" can be something like this.

"We both agree that our relationship to this point has not been the best for both of us.  Let's put this part of our life behind us.  Both of us are focusing on getting healthy and we can let the professionals determine when the best time is for us to take steps back together as a couple."

Likely the less said... .the better.  

Thoughts?

Reality check:  There are people out there that get divorced and later get remarried.

FF

Very important that you get on with your life, with healthy values and standards.  Keep the door open for your pwBPD to join you  with those values and standards.

Everyone, thank you so much for your help and support.  I am so blessed to have this resource to help me through all of this.

I had my session with my therapist yesterday, which helped me see that while there is always hope for a relationship to get better, there is definitely a risk/cost associated with it, especially if the track record on the pwBPD's part has been one of continual procrastination, complacency and the like.

Where we had an emotional weekend together (as discussed above), there wasn't much said last night. She seemed a bit angry.  Then today, this text: "Got lots of boxes at work, should be all packed up soon, then that'll be the end of that, so good for u"  Back to the anger... .