BPDFamily.com

Hi, I am considering leaving a marriage of 9 years with a husband who has been diagnosed with PTSD and borderline traits.  Since we met I have been "rescuing" him from various situations - debt, family problems, his ex wife etc.  He is currently in a psychiatric ward after a recent suicide attempt, and logically I know I cannot let him return home when he is discharged.  But I feel great guilt, and attachment, and responsibility.  I worry that he cannot make it on his own - he has poor interpersonal skills, money management etc.  I am having trouble "disengaging" and worry I may be co-dependant somehow, although I don't seem to fit a lot of the traits in this website's articles on the subject.

*welcome*

 

Suicide threats and attempts can break a relationship down to it's core.

How long do you have until he is discharged? 

You have found a safe place to discuss this.  Many of us have worked through similar issues.

What are you doing to take care of you?  Right now, the most important thing is that you get your "oxygen mask on" (think flying instructions... .put yours on first) so you can be safe and help others.  Or make wise decisions for others.

One step at a time.  Can we put aside thinking about the marriage for right now?  Can we focus on just the next step.  What happens when discharge day comes around? 

What options are you aware of?

Have you called the psych ward and asked them for options?

If you feel up to it, it may help us if you can tell your story in a bit more detail.

Hang in there... .we are here for you.

FF

Hey Texa, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  My BPDxW threatened suicide many times, though she never actually attempted it.  Like you, I felt a responsibility, but I learned to accept that her behavior was actually beyond my control.  You might consult the Serenity Prayer for help.  I suggest that you drop the guilt and avoid blaming yourself, which is not only untrue but unproductive.  Don't beat yourself up!  Your H is lucky to have such a caring spouse.  Whether you decide to stay or go is a tough decision that only you can make.  I've been there, as have many others on this site.

LuckyJim

He was discharged Dec 20. He is renting a room nearby.  Yep talked to psych ward, three year waiting list for supportive housing. He is in outpatient programming for a while.  In terms of looking after myself, Therapy, relying on friends and my Dad, working. I have two young girls. they bring me joy. And I knit, read and exercise.

So, the October suicide attempt was the second in a year. He did it the night I told him I wanted to separate. I couldn't take the verbal abuse or gaslighting anymore. He never hit me but he is a big man and can be threatening. My mom has BPD so the suicide stuff is a big trigger for me. He's not a bad man, but I can't constantly walk on eggshells wondering what will set him off next.  He seems to be accepting not living at home and the kids are getting used to it after him already being in hospital 9 weeks.  I have fear about him attempting again so I am cautious about him being around the kids. For now they will live just with me and he can visit. Last week a local man killed his two boys then himself. In October H thought killing himself would be easier on the kids than a divorce. In my mind there's not a huge leap to then decide to take them with him.  I am terrified.

I want him to get better, I want him to see the girls but above all I need them to be safe.

Have you consulted legal advice about this situation? So far,  it sounds like you are handling a very tough situation well.

Agreed... .legal advice is critical.

What does your support system look like?

Friends... .family... .church... .therapist... .legal... .doctors... .family therapists for kids...

This is a marathon type thing.  You can't do it all... .but you can "manage" it all.  In my earlier days I got caught up in trying to "do" it all... .and wore myself flat out.

FF