BPDFamily.com

 I've been in a four year lesbian relationship that's been pretty much the toughest relationship I've ever had but the love I have for my partner is the deepest I've ever had.  We get along really well and we like so much of the same stuff. We laugh together and we have fun with each other.  But then there is always the other stuff.  The moodiness, random anger, sadness.  Emotions all over the place.  It can come out of nowhere and anger can be  vicious.  I don't like to fight and I like to talk about what I'm feeling, good or bad.  When I do she takes it as an attack.  Her response is either extreme hurt and sadness or a mean and cruel verbal assault. 

Recently she cheated on me.  She just didn't do it once it's been an ongoing thing for a few weeks where she just doesn't come home from work or left in the night as I slept.  It's very unsettling and heart breaking.  This isn't the first cheating issue but it is the first time it's been like this.  Yet she comes home and acts like  nothing is wrong. She admitted what's been going on but she says she loves me.  Then she's gone again a couple days later.

 My friends all tell me to end it.    They tell me that I'm in an abusive relationship .  In some ways I agree.  But I also have compassion for her because I love her.  She's not a bad person.   Shortly before we met she lost her mother and then two years ago she lost her father.   She doesn't really have much in the way of family and definitely no supportive people.   I've tried to be that person for her.  I don't want to end this realatuonship but I don't what else to do.

She was just home and we talked.  Well more like I talked and she listened and then she got quiet and  withdrawn . I told her I couldn't live this way.  If she wanted to be with someone else then she should just tell me rather than stringing me along.   She listened but she didn't say a word.   She said she was gonna leave since that's what I want.  That's not what I said and it's not what I want. we have broken up and she has moved out more times than I can count offhand.  I don't want to keep doing that.  If she wants to go she should go but she keeps wanting me back.  It's push and pull over and over again.  I want it to end.

I want to be together or not.  If it's going to be over then I can heal but I can't keep going back and forth.  I feel like I'm loosing my mind.  I feel like am a fool for just letting this keep going on.  I feel totally powerless and no one understands why I still love her.

My boyfriend does this sort of thing... .Not the cheating... .Yet, but I am bracing for that bomb... .

But the hyperbolic reaction to you sharing completely valid requests and needs... .Then they make some blanket statement... .Like "well then I'll just leave"

With my guy it's "well I'll just never ask for anything ever again!" Or other such dramatic statements.

It hurts so much, because you feel your intentions are pure and valid and totally within reason... .But with a single sentence you suddenly feel pigeon-holed as the villain... .And when you try to correct them, "hey, that's not what I meant" then they come back with. "All you ever do is tell me I'm wrong!"

You're not crazy... .I'm not crazy, fidelity is a perfectly valid thing to ask for, and if she can't do it... .That's valid too... .But these two valid needs can't coexist without someone feeling terrible... .And history would dictate, that someone will be you.

That said, I understand why you still love her. I still love him... .

But I feel myself slipping away as I twist myself into knots trying to make it all work... .And deep down we know it will never be enough, you and I both know this.  As soon as you score your first touchdown, the rules change.  I won't say "leave" because I know how hard that is, I haven't done it myself. But you don't have to do this anymore... .Remember that.

It sounds like things are bumpy with your girlfriend. Four years is a long time. It is tricky when all your friends are telling you what they think you should do. How do you feel? I've never been in a relationship with a women but I often find myself amongst lesbians. My mother and sister are bi so perhaps it is familiar.