BPDFamily.com

A few weeks ago I saw her personal ad.  In it she mentions that she is loving and forgiving; which I read as her self adulation on being able to forgive her ex (me) who screwed her over.  

Reading this put me deep back into the FOG.  Like all things in my relationship with her, there is a level of truth in her words that always seems in contrast to my understanding of the situation.  When I read her ad I felt that irreconcilable peculiar internal twist of how my experience and her words shared some fundamental similarities and yet were also at such odds that there was no way to bridge the gap of understanding of what I saw and she felt.

She is right in her observations about her self, she can be and is a very loving and forgiving person - when she wants to be.  So why am I in the FOG about it?

Here is the insight:

The whole foundation upon which her self is built, is assembled based on a series of inaccurate / skewed / misaligned interpretations of past events that have resulted in real qualities being constructed directly over the top of misinterpreted events.

Her self representation is accurate but only inasmuch as she really believes that she got screwed, which she didn't.  Therefore, the basis for her forgiveness is also misaligned with any actual need to practice it.

When I first met her, I was so drawn to some of these wonderful qualities about her.  How would I have ever known that her compassionate forgiveness, while real, was based on a contrivance of events?  And therefore - is real but false?

I swear, the better I understand BPD, the more all of this hurts and the more I just want to crawl under a rock.

I asked my ex one time if she loved me, she said she loved everyone. Like you said it was an attractive trait at first but it didn't take long to realize this was just her distorted perception of herself. She wanted to be a person who loved everyone but her behaviour and actions spoke far more accurately as to her true character.

She hated and put down everyone eventually and me the worst. She could only live/survive in the love I had for her, feeding off my admiration, attention and validation. She could not love herself or create the love she needed for herself. I'm sure it's true what experts say about pwBPD, they loath themselves so badly and create a false personality for us to fall in love with. If they mirror us effectively enough all the more powerful our lure to give them our hearts, attention and souls.

They are there, these wonderfull qualities. I could write a long list with those qualities of my ex. I didn't fall for her for no reason. She has the potential to be the best person i ever met.

My observation is, after months of decoding what happened is just that the closer you get, the more they need to suppress these qualities.

Ultimately the battle between the fears - Abandonment and Engulfment - drives them to become more and more controlling of the attachment.

And in that battle for control, cruel things happen, which they themselves not always can integrate with their good side, and in all that confusion they go through,
the only possible solution to this is that someone caused them so much hurt that they couldn't react any other way.

Partially it is even true, cause if i am really honest, i did try to fight against that need for control, and i also distanced myself at times, all in a confusing effort to gain some of that intimacy back, to get that person i met back, and due to my rational misunderstanding of what was going on, i probably made matters worse.

I have discovered that these people are fake.  They create a false sense of self by trying to convince others that they have their lives together but they really don't.  I find that dating sites are a breeding ground for troubled people.   I haven't visited a dating site in over a year and I will never return.  My experience is that the next best thing is a mouse click away.  I'm sure my ex is probably back trolling dating sites because she can't stand being by herself for any amount of time.  Deeply troubled person and she just doesn't recognize it, it's everyone else's fault and if she could only find the perfect guy to whisk away all her issues, then should would be happy for the rest of her life.  She's delusional. 

My ex was fake and did a good job of convincing me she really had her stuff together.  In reality, her projected fantasy of what she wanted to be crumbled as I got to know her.   She wanted someone in her life that was opposite of what she actually was.  The funny thing is that she couldn't set a goal and actually see it through because she had absolutely no self control, confidence or drive to make herself a more rounded person.

I'm glad I got out of that mess.  Some other chump can deal with it.  Clearly her ex felt the same way I do.