BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. I have had an extremely rough past couple of days. As mentioned in a previous post, I recently discovered while in therapy that my mother has BPD and it's been a roller coaster of emotions ever since. I've bought two books about this disorder which has helped tremendously but also shed a LOT of light on things from my childhood that I never realized were signs of my mother's disorder.  While I'm glad that I know the truth and I feel very educated about her illness, I am now overwhelmed and feeling lost and confused... .it's extremely hard for me to swallow the fact that the one person in my life who I've always looked up to and loved unconditionally (I never knew my father) never really loved me unconditionally, but rather saw/sees me of an extension of herself and has manipulated me my entire life. I feel a lot of resentment towards her and recently went 2 weeks without speaking to her. I don't know how to cope and yesterday I had the worst panic attack of my life. It was so severe that I thought I was having a heart attack. I know deep down it is a result of the stress from all of this. I guess I just don't know how to balance having a healthy relationship with my mother and still maintain my identity... .especially when I've always been so concerned about her needs and wants that I don't even know who I am or what I want in life. Any and all advice is very much appreciated. Thank you all.

Hi NB8,

Like many children of BPD parents,  it sounds like you've been made to feel your whole life that not only were you responsible for her feelings,  but also her identity,  at the expense of your own. Have you explored the links at the top of the board,  like:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

I know this may be triggering,  but give it a read. 

It's the Hollywood answer to say,  "you're not responsible for her feelings," but I've said it just the same. Realizing it on a logical level is one thing,  and the first step to healing,  but realizing it deep down is quite another thing.  It takes time.  And struggling with the needs of an aging parent, which is normal aside from any PD, is hard.  By being here and asking questions is a good first step. We can help support you with communication tools and boundaries,  and also supporting you alone on realizing who  Newbeginnings8 is apart from your mother (or anyone else).

This is so, so true. I empathize so much with what you're dealing with, and I too have severe anxiety.

I actually moved my family to the same town as my mom in hopes of making her happier. When I stepped back and realized just how deeply entrenched I was, it was very upsetting. (And angering.)

It's taken me most of this year to free myself from the "Fear Obligation Guilt" cycle that I've been stuck in for most of my adult life. By reducing contact with her and no longer feeling any guilt about it, I'm becoming a much more confident person and I'm figuring out what I really want to do with my life now. I can't believe how much I relied on my mom's opinion, when she can barely hold her own life together. Trust me, it does get easier with time. When you set boundaries and limit contact, it's like a fog gradually clearing up. But it's definitely not easy.