BPDFamily.com

Yesterday I received about five calls from a Private number. I ignored four.  I answered at last. It was Ex. All friendly. Like nothing has happened in Six Weeks. Asking what I am up to? How I am? She asked me to come down to her new place in her old town. So she can show me her new rental home. And Play Chess, And read Poetry. And I can see my son in the morning. She was talking like nothing has happened in past six weeks.

I gave into temptation. I drove to her old town which is 100 km away. She took me to her new home. I parked a street away. First thing she said was "This is a new home. There has been no argument. No tear shed in this place. And that she want's to keep it holy. That she almost cleaned her skin off her hands washing and cleaning so no trace or skin flake or hair or memory of me was left.

Then she said she loves me. And hugged me. Took me in. I did not ask that she said she told me she had moved 1000 km away to different island. Thats what she said no me about 3-4 weeks back. I did not ask about her new play partner. I did not ask about head games. I kept straight face. She took me to her bedroom. We read sime poetry. Played a bit of chess.

She stripped off and was prancing around in GString. Looking all seductive. After a while she jumped in bed. And we lied there in the spooning position. Naked. But take Note no penetration sex. We both did not initiate it.

She said she almost feels like crying. That is feels loved. That this is so good. We slept.

Next morning i went early to sleep in my car. She did not want me to see her other four kids. When the other four kids left for school. She invited me back and i played with my son. It was good to see him after two weeks. It was a good experience. In the afternoon my son had a nap.

We went for a nap as well. That’s when it happened. We had sex. It was good. After that "she asked me remember how big BDSM party is coming up "She would like us to go separate. That she would like me to seek her out at the party. Give a rose to her. And then she ll hug me for a minute in front of the community. Remember she slandered me in the past. And the community is divided. I said may be. Then i took my son out to playground in afternoon as it was time for other kids to come home. Just now i dropped him home.

Now just waiting for her to call me back once other kids are asleep. At this stage my ab is to head back to my town in the morning. I am nervous. Typing this sitting in the car.

The photos she put up on BDSM site was a view from her this home. She had not moved to 1000 km away. She might have gone traveling or seeing a sugar daddy etc. But she is still here. I am confused. Terribly confused. I want to go back home tomorrow with good feelings. My intention tonight is not to ask her what she s been up to in six weeks. But just cuddle up and sleep. And leave tomorrow with good feelings. Guys please suggest. I know i deserve some criticism for going back.

Look forward to your replies.

Have I acquired borderline traits for going back to her.Is this charming and if yes she has successfully reeled me in. She is still big in my mind. Am i just a guy in rotation. I feel like this circle will never break. I am not scared of closeness. And I still love her. Am in in for terrible hurt break. Even the worst than ones in past. She kept on saying. She wants to be my "good" friend. Hmmmmm. I am confused and have mixed feelings... .

As re-connections go, this is often how it happens. She is probably confused, too.

If you want to give this its best chance, you have to become the confident, strong guy you were when you first both met. If you are weak, confused, needy, or wanting to her to explain and apologize and reassure you, it won't go well.

Things may go well. They may stall. They may drift back. They may advance. It's going to be very uncertain and everything that happens will be a reaction to everything that is happening with you and her life.

Carving out how to be strong and interdependent (don't try to be what you were before right away - that relationship died). The best way to look at this as if you are starting a new relationship and embrace the uncertainty. Talk to us here. Learn the tools. Things need to be very different if its going to go beyond a brief fling.

Tall order I know.

Tough spot and I will tell you I am waiting for my turn at your situation.

For me after the breakup I found out I had some issues to work on. I was not the person she met. I see that, I know what to fix.

You need to be a strong person, a Man she can look up to and trust. Strong moral compass. Once she looses that trust then you cannot help her when she is having an episode. Then things will spiral out of control again and you will live with her running away all over again.

For me I would say, I will fix this. Once I failed her then she no longer trusted me when I said I would fix this. Then I had no ability to calm her down when she needed it. I only aggravated her more.

It is a long tough road but one slip up and she will be running away again. You have to be perfect. You know there is no gray area with BPD

@Skip : Thanks for letting me know where this thread was. And sorry for the blunder of posting it separately.bHard to type on phone. Lol

I have to become a strong person again. Seeing my son and spending so.much time with him.was rewarding experience. Seeing ex was good too. I felt alive again.

I did not question her at all about past six weeks. I did not question her about her new play partner status.

I do want to salvage this no matter how toxic. I have to be very strong. And rise up above jealousies and insecurities.

I don't feel like going to the BDSM party she ll be at. I feel like skipping that party. It will be hard for me to see her play with someone else. I dont know if she is intending to do that  or not. I want to rebuild. One brick at a time. Time and pressure
... time and pressure.

And i am driving back now. I am already missing her.

I am not going to contact. Till she contacts again... Will wait.

Update : while driving back I decided to have a nap in the car. Woke up half an hour later. Saw message that ex wants me to stay another night. Went back around 10 pm once all the kids were sleep. We saw the photos we took at the zoo etc.

She also kept bringing on the upcoming BDSM party. She wants me to meet there. But does not want to go together. Wants me to go seek her out at the party. I totally want to skip the damn party. I have not told that to her yet. I massaged her. We had sex and a few laughs.

After that she said to me she has a confession to make. " she went out for smoke. Came back turned the lights off... .Now comes the really scary part... .She said she messaged me four days ago from fake account not because she was missing me but because she was feeling intense hatred. She messaged me because she wants to see some good come out of  bad. Also that she wants to murder me. Some days she is so consumed with passion and hatred against me that all she can think of is murdering me.

I said why?
 
She said because of the past. She wants me to develop good bond between me and my son. But when I go  no contact and dont take any crap from her she feels i am ignoring my son. That’s when her murdering me fantasies begin. She said she might carry that out in another five years. That was creepy. Very creepy . She saying all that after inviting me to her new home. And having couple of good days. I was creeped out to the max. I said i care about my son and i love him. I promised to develop a strong bond with my son.

And that she is free individual  and lets see what lies in future and reassured her. I want to skip that bdsm party. Very heavy heavy thoughts on my mind. She also said to me that she is not a psycho. She just hates me with passion. And that she could not let go of hurt. That she wants me to be hurt and suffer. But also wants me to be happy and find love! Bloody hell. I am confused. Head spinning. Help guys.

Don't be confused. She spelled it out very clearly. It sounds like this was a moment of complete candor.

People with BPD are impulsive (things pass) and they often feel emotions very intensely. She is describing the inverse side of the extreme positive feelings she has had for you.

This is the saving board so I'm not going to pass any judgement here:

1. If you don't go to the party, won't she hook up with someone else?

2. What are you personal values on what love is? Is homicidal ideation inside or outside of that definition (inside or outside of the boundary).

Candor?

In what sense?

Does she still.has those intense feelings for me.

More calls.from her today regarding the party.
It is next saturday. She does not want to go to the party with me. She had painted me.black.

But she definitely wany me to come to the party and seek her out.

She also said she wants to leave the party with me. I.feel like skipping the party. I have a feeling she ll put on the show and prance and put on a pompus show. This is once a year thing.

My gut feeling is to.give this party a miss. Why does she wants to come home.with me.after the party.

Shall i let her go enjoy the party. Shall i skip the party? And then go after its finished and take her home?

Shall i say i have called from work. And skip the party. It would be hard for me to see her flirting around?

Or shall i go and stay away from her at the party.


No matter how much i love her. I do not want to be.murdered by her... .

Why does she wants me to be at party but not go to.party with me.hand in hand.

Is this a set up.
Terrible load on my brain today.  

Six calls from her today.
All good and lovely.

Then a call just now at night. Telling me that she is suffering from the drop.

Asking me to apologise to her kids, to her mum to entire BDSM community?

Her tone was like she was.depressed and unfriendly.

She was the one who tried to annhilate me.with her compaign.

I listened to her . She said I wont hear from her any more. That i should text her when I feel like seeing my.son.

Why she's been.from loving to apologising to murdering to becoming cold again within three days... .

I am trying my best to stay cool. And emphathise. Am I doing the right thing?

No contact today.

Looked at her profile.


She is back into flaunting muscular men.

I wonder what the heck last 3 nights were all about?

Hurting again

Seems like she is playing terrible sadistic games. I am hurting bad today.

Can charming and discarding happen within three day?

Back in depression

I am hurting bad guys. Seem like she successfully charmed and discarded me within three days. Not coping...

Hi John, how are you doing now?

Sorry that you've been having such a hard time. I can relate to being charmed and discarded very quickly.
At the end of my r/s, my ex did it within days as well, sometimes even within hours.

Are you still hoping to save this relationship?
I don't mean to pass judgement as far as your decision goes, but the homicidal ideation is definitely concerning... .obviously you know her best, and know the way in which she said it, but if it's true that's pretty alarming.

I'm sure you know that, but it stood out to me. Just my two cents.
Thought I'd check in & see how you're doing.

Hi John,

This is pretty serious stuff. She is seriously disturbed and seriously stuffing you around. I would advise you to take care of yourself, not get drawn back in. Why do you love her? Why do you want to go back? There doesn't seem much good there. If I were you I would be trying to get your son from her because he will probably be better off being brought up by you than her. But I would be clever about it and stealthy and win her trust and be soothing. But set boundaries. This murder thing is seriously psycho. If I said that to my ex I would have a RO against me. In my humble opinion you would be better off finding someone who respects you and doesn't have wild variations in mood.

Three three days of togetherness was good. I felt alive again.

Was good to bond with my son.

Now I am back. I looked at her profile. She has added a another lover. Guy i beleive was in shadows since last year.

The pain I felt was gut wrenching. How can she do that. Three nights together. And as soon I come back she adds someone elae.


She held me in her arms third night. And said she is consumed by hatred against me
 She sits in a room and fhe hatred consumes her.

She plans to murder me. Now or in five years.


How can I have a son with her and be free in my city. Still show my face to BdSM cimmunity. How come I still have presecence and friends and respect in bDSM community.


She could not digest it.


She wanted me to say sorry to her mum, to her kids to the community...


What for?

When i.spent alll my resources on her and her family. She was the one who started the annhilation and court game. I answered with court and thwarted her attacks.

She wants me to seek her out at upcoming bdsm party.
My friends said just dont. It ia another game. She wants to show everyone at the party that "you are her stalker".

Dont go to party or if i went just stay away from her. Full stop.


She also said to me.that out of all her lovers i resemble her father the most.

Remember she was abused by her father when she was 3 years old.


I saw that new lover status on her profile. It tore my heart out. I was feeling good after three nights with her. And suddenly I see this.

I am breaking down. Running to bathroom every  20 minutes and crying.

This is hell on earth.
Hell unleashed by that beautiful.creature.


Please please i want to be.strong again.

She.has completely destroyed my confidence.


   

I want someone to split my head open.

And put some sense of self respect and sense into me.

Life is hell.
I am.dragging like a zombie from an hour to hour.



Three years of this treacherous dance.

Why do I love her? Is this the masochist in me?

Am.I trauma bonded? She seems like having no difficulty moving from lover to lover.

I feel like I should not have gone to see her this past week. So much hope for three nights and then discarded. With humiliation. Now the new guy is up on her profile. As a lover.

A bigger guy with muscles and all. I am a personal trainer.

Is this a statement to me


It feels like my brain is on fire.
 I sit in daze for hours... .confounded and confused.

I tried to be my best for last three days. Did ahe think I was a doormat?

I am forgiving. I forgive. I try to see good in people. I trust people.

I open up to just anyone.

As i am typing this my eyes are moist. Life has come fulp circle...


 

Never felt this type o torment before. It's like my heart is bleeding.

The pain I feel with every breath is immense.

After six weeks I was almost having a grip on myself. And now wham i am.back. I should not have gone back last week.

And the murder thing. Who says such a thing to their exes  

John,

You're venting - not really talking to anyone or asking questions. Slow down. Write your posts more thoughtfully.  Asking questions. It will help if you do.

Her: Your girl has said to you: she wants to be loved, and she wants to hurt you badly. Everything she is doing is supporting that statement. She is not connected to you in a healthy way right now.

You: Your in emotional crisis ad throwing yourself in front of a freight train.

Child: Your son is in the middle of this.

Before anything is going to get better in any direction, you need to get to a safe and balanced place and get a hold of yourself.

My suggestions are:

1. Call Lifeline Aotearoa and find out where you can go today to get a psych/meds evaluation. Do it today. You have dangerously high levels of anxiety/depression. You can't solve this is your current emotional state.

2. Tell your girlfriend that what she shared with you was really appreciated and you want to think about it for a few days - tell her you want to chat about it (give her a date 10 days out) when you will visit your son. Be very nice. Don't confess your feelings - just yourself some space without triggering her to fight.

3. Get off the BDSM website and Facebook for 10 days. Mark it on the calendar. Get yourself some space without triggering her to fight.

4. Post here. Tell us the story of your relationship from the beigining. Ask questions about experiences you too have had together (not the last month, but prior to that).

5. See if Lifeline Aotearoa can connect you with a therapist.

Get off the roller coaster and get centered. You need that right now.

@Skip  : your reply is so much appreciated. I'll do all the things  that you said.

My full life story is here.

In three threads

The trail of destruction part 1
The trail of destruction part 2

And this thread... .

Please read them when you get time and let me know what you think.

She has said to me that "she thinks our baby was made to keep me in her life".

She thinks "she cannot digest that I am free  in another city and still welcome in the bdsm community".

She said "I very closely resemble the personality traits of her dad"

Note - She was abused sexually by her dad when she was 3 years old.

She said " she wants to be my friend. It triggers her bad when I say - I have said this in the past ( I dont want to be friends when she has so many lovers and sugardaddies. It hurts me terribly to be her freind. She does not like this and she said it triggers her so so bad".

She said " She cant let go of her hate for me. She wants to murder me in two years or five. That she failed to use the court system to annhilate me. That in desperation she ll sort me out herself". That she'll do the deed and pull the trigger".

@ Skip : please read the three threads and let me know what to do...

I'll ring the crisis line
Regards
J

Great.


I read it. My point is that very few members are engaging you... .try altering your posting style. Your story is compelling.

@Skip : Thanks so much. Any more insight from reading the entire story?

I tried to distract myself and practice mindfulness. Seems like nothing is working today. Have to grit my teeth not to contact her.

The night is black and the forest has no end;
a million people thread it in a million ways.
We have trysts to keep in the darkness, but where
or with whom – of that we are unaware.
But we have this faith – that a lifetime’s bliss
will appear any minute, with a smile upon its lips.
Scents, touches, sounds, snatches of songs
brush us, pass us, give us delightful shocks.
Then peradventure there’s a flash of lightning:
whomever I see that instant I fall in love with.
I call that person and cry: `This life is blest!
for your sake such miles have I traversed!’
All those others who came close and moved off
in the darkness – I don’t know if they exist or not.

- Tagore


Just received this message from ex on bdsm site from her fake sock profile

Tie your heart at night to mine, love,
and both will defeat the darkness
like twin drums beating in the forest
against the heavy wall of wet leaves.

Night crossing: black coal of dream
that cuts the thread of earthly orbs
with the punctuality of a headlong train
that pulls cold stone and shadow endlessly.

Love, because of it, tie me to a purer movement,
to the grip on life that beats in your breast,
with the wings of a submerged swan,

So that our dream might reply
to the sky’s questioning stars
with one key, one door closed to shadow.

Neruda


And now this friends. The above message. Please advice. Is she suffering from a drop. Sub drop? Shall i reply and engage with compassion?

Please advice

More messages from fake profile. Shall I respond?

I am tormented since last night.
Why is she still.sending me these Poems from her sock account.

Her Lover status with a guy she did photo shoot 7 months ago is killing me. It's been 24 hours.

I did respond yesterday saying " How she was? " How my son was?  And that she was suffering from drop two days ago. Is she ok?

She responded that everything is ok. Have a good night.

I did not ask about her lover status. Please guys advice. It's just killing me inside. Your advice will be appreciated...

Tonight the feelings of helplessness are worst.
And I keep thinking why the hell is she contacting me.

Any advice will be like solace guys.

I just received a call from ex from a private number. Was 4th call since morning from a private number. I took the fourth call.

She asked me How I am?

I acted nonchalant and said good.
I asked how she was. I did not ask or mention   anything to her about her "lover" status.

I told her I am at work. I told her to call me.later tonight.

Please advice why she keeps contacting. Shall i engage or minimally engage or just totally ignore her.

I can't breath today. I feel no hope.

It's understandable that this experience is putting you in a difficult mental and emotional state. Those are very extreme shifts in her feelings and in the situation.

I'd suggest you could really use a break. It's going to be hard to assess all this and what you want to do with such close contact. What would you think about letting her know that you need some time to get your bearings and will be in touch when and if you feel centered enough for it to be a good thing?

@patientandclear : Thanks
Much Appreciated.

Many calls from PVT number from ex today. Last night I received an email at 3:00 am. An email containing Funeral Blues Poem by W.H. Auden recorded in her voice. I answered her call today. She said to me she has many Vanilla Lovers in her life. That she does not have a relationship with anyone.

I listened. And I listened. I tore my heart out. Literally.

She said she is going to the BDSM party where she is invited and is going to engage in Public Play.

She also said that she has booked a hotel that night. And that me and her won't talk at the party but that I can come and stay with her at the hotel after the party.

I sit typing this in my car. Still having feelings for her. Being discarded like that. My self esteem keeps hurting.

She said she has many lovers and is happy and wants to be my friend.

I am dumbfounded and confused. Why does she keep ringing and contacting me if she has so many lovers. I have no esteem or pride left. Have i dug my own grave by carrying on interacting with her. I want to cry. But tears are not coming. If I only cried I may feel better.

Not sure if my opinion will be of any help to you, but I'd really avoid any contact with her including the party, hotel, etc.

I realize that you have a child together, so when it comes to seeing your son I understand that you'll have to have some contact with her.

But aside from that, I just can't foresee anything good coming from it. The way you've described her behavior it seems like she's just going to hurt you, potentially both mentally and physically.

She is being clear on how she wants it to be: she wants the affirmation she gets from lots of sexual partners, and she wants emotional intimacy with you.

That's who she is, for now, and the impulses behind those preferences/choices are probably pretty deep-seated. These choices are dysfunctional ways to protect herself from perceived threats or risks. It's not about rejection, it's her machinery for keeping herself "safe" while still feeling alive, desirable, seeking sensation and a facsimile of intimacy. She is writing you these emotionally fraught things because she likes and wants your emotional connection. That does not come along with other things that, to you and me, would be associated with those feelings (desire for exclusivity).

The question is whether you want that arrangement or whether the upside (continued connection to her) is worth the downside (sounds like this does not match your values and it hurts you).

I think you need time to think about the situation and not react impulsively. You can tell her you heard her and how she wants it to be; her desires don't easily match with how you feel; her other lovers are painful for you; and you need some time to think about what this means. That you'll be in touch if and when things are clearer to you.

I really identify with your situation, John. This is essentially what my ex did with our relationship except he was not open about it and I had to discover it by following my spidey senses to confirm that, while he was doing lovely, intimate things with me that meant so much to me, he was also excitedly exploring a r/ship with someone else. He also seeks approval and validation from multiple women constantly. Both he and I valued our very close relationship and he doesn't like having lost it and I didn't like giving it up. But i couldn't continue it on those terms and he would never (going on three years) talk it through with me so we could find some balance that was OK with us both. It's a bad match, as what he thinks he needs to do to be happy hurts me a lot, and what I need apparently bums him out and feels like giving up on the juice of life or something. The words I just wrote took me months to arrive at and it's still painful. I think you need some time and space to figure out who you are in all this--just try to remember that she is acting this way not as a judgment on your value but because this is how she protects herself from risk of perceived harm.

Is it emotional intimacy, or is it validation and adoration?


John, she said a lot to you here. She wants you to make her feel good about herself at the same time that she feels intense hatred toward you.

Put in another way, the "relationship" that you have now is working for her. She likes it this way. She has control. She has power. She has adoration. She has revenge. She has others... .

And in a innocent way, you are validating and rewarding this behavior. You are signaling that it is OK to be treated this way.

You love her. That is clear. Your son is living with her. It's very complicated... .one way or another you are going to be in a relationship with her for 18 years.

You've got to find the strength to get off the roller coaster - not engage in the game.

Why is it that she has such animosity? What did she mean that she didn't annihilate you in court?

 C<||| Skip I met her through BDSM website. Her life was already a train wreck before I met her.

She had four kids with two different dads. Mine is number 5.

Two years into the relation (my baby was 6 months) then. I did a photo shoot (horror fantasy themed). I was getting sick of her love hate. Wanted to do something not involving her.

She thought I was moving on. And started total annihilation game. On BDSM site - Outed me to work - Falsely outed me to customs. Total annihilation - just because I took a stand and did some thing for me.

She took a protection order out on me. I took one out on her due to her annihilation.game. Both were thrown out.

I will give this party and hotel a miss. I don't know how I became so entangled in her life.

You do. Someone earlier asked, why you don't leave.  The better question is what makes you stay. There is something very powerful that is keeping you in this less than good situation.

What is it? You have to put that on the table here if anyone is going to help you sort this out.

@ skip

I have been pondering the same thing... over and over and over again... .

Why am I so entangled.

1. Is it me having son with this woman?

2. Am I trauma bonded to her.

3. Does her beauty fill a huge gap in my life.

4. Is it because she knows how to play chess, is into Poetry, knows my culture and has a great sense of humour?

5. Is it because this person is into kink and bdsm. And because I have had such a highs from playing with her. And also experienced terrible terrible lows.

6. Is this because I want to fix her. Does the narcissist in me wants to compete with her other lovers secretly and prove that I am the best. That I can go to hell and back for her.

7. Is this because I was recently diagnosed with herpes. And highly likely my ex was the cause. My self esteem is in tatters. Does I illogicaly think that only this woman, my ex will accept me. That the pieces she throws my way are my fate.


I was never this bad. I am an ambitious person with a thirst for life and a desire to excel.

But it feels like I am livin in a very very very bad trance state. She occupies 90 percent of my conscious thoughts.

This past year has been a real hell hole.

Still I managed to find part time work. Still I.managed to finish my studies to become  a Personal Trainer. I was working at only 5 - 10 % of my capability. What wonders can I achieve i I was workin at 40or 50 percent.


7. Is it because I am so much invested in her.

8. Is it because I am scared of the unknown?

9. Is it because I am in a P**** Trance.?


This is hell. My brain is not mine anymore. My focus is not mine.


@ skip thanks for editing my post.


Regards,
With a heavy heart
J

I went to see my son again today. I had a brief encounter with her. She keeps on telling me how wonderful her new lovers are and how well they treat her.

I just tears me to pieces.
I have decided to embrace the unknown. I 'll only contact her to see my son. This being her friend bull___ will damage my soul.


In the morning I picked my son from her home. In the evening she came to pick him from the park.

I was talking to the female at the park who was their with her kids.

My ex became instanly jealous and said to me how I am.always chattin up mommies (lol). And looked upset for a fraction of second.

I do not know if this was an act. Or if she really felt jealous. She recovered quickly. It was in her face only.for a fraction o a second.

I have decided not to be her friend... another hard day today.

I went to see my son Yesterday. I stayed with my ex. We had sex.

She kept on bringing the upcoming party. My ex said to me I give her no recognition on my BDSM profile. And she feels rejected.

She asked me to make a big write up on my profile How much I love her. Tell the entire BDSM community that I love only her.

Note: Remember she slandered me bad  on that website with big write ups about how evil I was.

I said to her see is associated with about four lovers on her profile. My profile still says I am single... .

I said to her "Why can't we both make a write up on our profiles that we are aiming to work things out" I said how about we go to the BDSM party hand in hand.

She declined. She said no. She said I should go seek her out at the party. That I should bring her flower's in front of everybody. She said to me time is running out to make that write up on BDSM profile to let every one know how much I love her.

She said if I did not.make that write up then she 'll.never see me again. That I can meet my son once a month at a park or something.

I have no intention to go to the party. I have no intention of making a write up on the bdsm.profile.

She does not want to meet me in the middle. She is exerting control. She wants to.keep associated to all her three lovers on her profile while wants me confess my love for her infront of everybody.

I am feeling manipulated.

What is your opinion guys? I want to make things work between us. But she keeps on demanding and expects me to bend on backwards. More castration...


She also said the murder thing again. She.said her liver cancer is returning. She said if she found out she is terminally ill then first thing she'll do is to kill me.


Please help. 

So, you went back, had sex with her again, she talked about the party again, she threatens to kill you again, you're freaked out again?

This is almost a word-for-word reenactment of how this thread started a week ago, which led you to spend a week as a wreck.

She may be stuck in a cycle, but you don't have to be. You can choose not to have sex with her, not to talk to her about anything other than your kid, not to listen to her threats and promises. This is all on you.

John - you are like a cat chasing a laser light right now - she is not going to respect you for this.

You need to get yourself back.

@flourdust and @ skip

Many thanks :

How can I win her respect back?
Shall I follow the following steps?

1. No sex
2. Minimal contact regarding my son.
3. No engaging with her on social media.

Wont me doing all this distance her from me. Won't she found someone else. I despeately need to.win her respect back.

How can I do that? Please let me know what boundaries I need to set? I dont want her to feel rejected. I want her to respect me. As a father, as a lover.

The only time i cried in front of her was months back when I broke down and cried and said I wan't to be a superhero to my son.

I need to win respect in her eyes. And in my own eyes. She want me to validate her in bdsm community while she has left no stone unturned to absolutely annhilate me.

Please guide me what boundaries to set so that she does no feel rejected and distance her self from me even further.
Respectfully Yours,
J

I'm afraid that desperately wanting someone to regain respect for you is a contradiction in terms.

Treating yourself with respect is the first step. If you use a lens of testing all possibilities against self-respect, are there approaches, actions, choices you can rule out? Not going to the party, not participating in her public drama script of you pursuing her in front of everyone, not going to the hotel after she flirts with others, all those sounded like self respecting choices. Why is the guy who framed those positions having sex with her when you stop over to see your kid?

If you respect yourself, her view may or may not shift. You need to act consistently with your values and let her reaction take care of itself, including whether she respects you. Doing things specifically to get to respect you is sort of manipulative, and seems fated to fail anyway.

Yes me having sex with her was not consistent with the values.

I am going to stick to the plan.

No party
No participating in her script of bringing her flowers.
No seeing her at hotel
No sex
Minimal contact regarding.son.

Let's us see if I earn some ret4spect for myself in my eyes and her eyes doing this.

@Skip and @Patient&Clear: Thanks for such wonderful sugestions.

Ex disappears for weeks. Then comes back. And I am always ready at her beck and call.
Just consuming the pieces of affection that she throws my way. This time it 's just been humiliating with telling me.over.and.over she has wonderful lovers.

This has to stop. My interactions with her leave me in a darker place. They do not uplift me.

She smiled and told me.two days ago that "I.am the only one who.cares" That she know how to push my buttons and get a reaction. It's time.to make a stand.regardless of.what.she.does...

Feeling sad today. controlling myself to stay busy and not to go to the party.
I want today to be over.

Update : I went to the BDSM party last night. She was there. I stayed away from her. I stayed away from her in the centre of the party. She stayed away outside on the fringes  of the party. It was not easy. Lots of self control. But I maintained my dignity. :)

I feel good to overcome my fear and go. And not to dance according to her wishes. The host of the party said ex wanted to bring a bf. And was refused. As the host did not knew him. And that host was loyal to me. It was awesome to face my fear and go... .

Well, now you know you know what she was trying to set up... .you bringing flowers and making a public apology... .

Let me shift gears - do you want to have an ongoing relationship with your son? I noticed that "not seeing him as much" was part of your plan to get strong.

Honestly, if she locks in on the humiliation game with you, will you walk from it all?

@skip : yes the host said she wanted to bring a steroid fuelled body builder. The host politely refused. As the guy was known to the host.

It was hard. I held my head high. I stayed strong. Not even eye contact with her. No roses. No approaching her. She mostly stayed outside where the smokers were.

It was good to face my fears and go to this once an year party and feel accepted.

This morning I received two calls from her "private number" asking how I am...

I cut them both... .

@skip: too win that respect... .I am willing to walk away from my son for now...

No more humiliation. I have been humiliated enough... .

Can you open a thread on co-parenting to talk about this? Work through your feelings there.

Another call just now from a brand new number.
Unfortunately I took it. Asking me "How was last night"? How Am I? I said "good". And cut it short. Four calls so far from her?

@skip : Yes I will

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