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I just thought about how my ex would be graduating this year and the possiblity of her moving away to find work in another state as there aren't many job opportunities for her career choice in our small town.
Now that is a big excuse for me to want to break contact and to see how she is.
I know she is on her own right now with no attachments that I know of and suffering and drinking a lot etc.
I don't want to recycle but I had that feeling today of missing her and wanting to embrace her and reminding her that I still care about her.
I deleted all our photos and I'm starting to forget what she looks like. Maybe I do know and I am just bull******* myself but I had this idea in my head to show up at her place and to see her for the last time because I dont know what's going to happen or if I'll ever see her again next year if she moves far away. I won't do anything impulsive though. There is no reason to see her just because I care about her. Ah, why!

Hi Curiously,

Those moments are hard because they feel very poignant, don't they? There's nothing wrong with missing someone, nothing at all wrong with still caring for them and wishing them well. It shows you are a compassionate human being.

It's good you say you won't do anything impulsive and that you recognise the pull to do that. You say she'll be graduating soon. So it's not today or tomorrow and she's not likely to get a job and leave town before the week is out. So there's no rush, is there?

When I had moments like this, and sometimes they lasted for a day or longer, I either reminded myself that I wanted and needed to take care of myself with the same feeling I had towards "taking care" of my ex. I tried to give myself that same kind of feeling. Does that make sense? 

If that really didn't work, I reminded myself of some of the hurts I had experienced and the possibility of being met with a cold indifference, if I suddenly turned up, or its opposite. And then I thought what might happen if he was delighted or relieved to see me. I thought about the danger that still represented to me, because I still might be taken in by that (fleeting) feeling from him. Nope, it wasn't worth the risk. I'd done it before and knew I could not trust myself any more than I could trust him :)

"There is no reason to see her just because I care about her." 
No, there isn't. Not if there's a real risk to yourself. Be steady here and see how the feeling develops, or doesn't, over the next few days.  That would be my wish for you. :)

Thanks VitaminC
Yes... I feel this urgency to see her because I do not when she will leave town. But for what? Why am I panicking from the idea of the possibility of never being able to just bump into her in the future?or the next year? I've been fine with NC but at the same time I know she's in town so maybe that made me feel a little more comfortable.
I will try and take a few days before I do something impulsive.
Anything could happen if I show up. I could be met with a cold indifference you are right and that will hurt and if she is happy to see me and comes onto me then that might be hard to resist too.
Especially that I feel the need to just hold her. I know where that can lead.
The way I am concerned for her, you're right, I need to redirect that to myself again, when I feel the need to check on how she is doing on her own again.

I had the same urge last night. But I knew it would be met with either zero reply or something hurtful.  Or, more positively, something else. An apology? No... .that wouldn't happen. And if it did, what would it matter?

Stay strong. I try to stay positive, but I find that thinking about the many, many bad experiences I had with her helps me avoid contact.

Hey Curiously,  Sometimes a type of amnesia sets in where we recall the good times and block out all the negative things that caused the b/u.  It's important, I suggest, to look at the whole picture, good and bad, before making a decision to break NC.  Often such an attempt to reach out results in even more pain and hurt, so be careful.

LuckyJim

Remember you are only human and it is likely your heart and feelings will take over, possibly causing you to allow boundaries to be broken.

Most likely you will set back your recovery by going back into the FOG. If you really feel you are ready for this and it is best for both of you then go ahead and see her, just be sure it doesn't result in more pain for you both.

Things have changed a bit.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302030.new#new
That's more of my story... .
Thank you all for the support