BPDFamily.com

I am at the beginning of my healing journey.  I have realized that my mother has BPD and my sister has inherited many BPD traits.  I am having flashbacks of things that happened to me as a child.  I would like to know if others have found it helpful to share their memories or does it make it worse?  I feel like I need to know if what I experienced was as bad as I think it was or if I'm just an ingrate, like my mother always told me.  I'm scared. 

Welcome, Zabava! 

I'm so very glad you found us here! Yes, yes, yes! It does help to share! At the same time, it stinks, but it is all part of the process. When I began, about 5 years ago, to understand about my uBPDm and the effects it had on me, I was so scared too. Seemed as if fear was all I ever knew, and I thought I'd not be able to face another scary adventure.

Do you find that the memories and flashbacks are nearly chasing you, causing you to be even more afraid? That is quite normal. When we repress our memories from our childhood for so long, they eventually want to come out. I had nightmares and the depression was something I could no longer keep at bay. I finally started seeing a T, and slowly, slowly we took it. Have you ever considered T? If you are actively looking for  one, try to see if they are familiar in dealing with BPD.

Have you taken a look at the first steps in the Survivors Guide to the right?  ----------->>>>>> That is a wonderful place to start, just with reading about one or two steps. You don't need to read them all, especially now as you are in the discovery process. Take it easy, and be kind to yourself. I'd like you to come back and post and tell me one or two things you are doing to practice kindness and soothing for yourself these days.

Posting on this site can be a wonderful first step to beginning to share your story in a safe place. This site is for members like you and I who have suffered through the abuse of a pwBPD. You will find lots of understanding hearts here.

 
Wools

What exactly are you scared of?

I am scared of reliving very bad memories.  I'm scared of losing control.  My mother had intense and sometimes violent rages directed at my sister and me and I have worked very hard to suppress memories of this.  I'm scared that if I go back into the dark hole of my past I won't be able to come out. I have three kids and a husband who I love more than anything. I have been in the Fog for years and now I want to live my own life, but I'm scared that I will become suicidal if I relive my past.

You asked in your intro post if therapy was helpful.  I'll reiterate that it is,  even crucial.  We can and will support you, but we can't replace the trusted guidance of a professional. 

I was sent to therapy when I was 13 by my mother (basically abandoned in what was supposed to be family counseling). I thereafter had a negative view of it.  When I was once again abandoned in couples' counseling 30 years later,  I changed my view and owned it (this time,  after all,  I was paying, this one worked for me,  and I could fire him at any time). It actually saved me.  First,  talking about my ex; second,  segueing into my mother's issues and my role. 

It sounds like this is a huge,  significant trigger. This is a safe place   

I'll encourage you,  however,  to only share what you are comfortable with at this point.  We might ask,  but weer won't push you.  As an adjunct to therapy,  a support group such as we are can be an invaluable resource.  That being said,  we don't want to push you beyond that which is comfortable at the moment.  Do you think you can research therapy options?

Yes, this is the place to share those things and work through the feelings, overcome and heal.     This is where I bring it, folks with BPD experience believe you, and understand when you share bizarre tales from the black hole.   Some of these memories scare the crap out of other people.    I think acknowledging, sharing and validating the bad memories with others helps us accept these things are true.  These are what caused the wounds.  

I am 6 years out of BPD marriage, that's when I began to address BPD issues within my family of origin.   When  was young I would fall into the black pit of despair.  I did not know why or what was in the black pit.   Now that I have boundaries and created a much safer life for recovery, I am strong enough to handle the repressed memories that now bubble to the surface.   The memory that surfaced  this week was my "good" sister shoving me underwater to drown me in the bathtub.  I was 5, she was 10.   This certainly explains why I don't like her.    

I found it useful to explore & write things that happened down. By writing it down it helped me separate myself from the experiences emotionally and observe them logically. I will admit that I was shocked at how some things that seemed acceptable where truly NOT acceptable... .but this only reinforced my desire to create boundaries and assisted me in being able to recognize my triggers that my UBPD bro would use to manipulate me. I also received great feedback, encouragement, as& confirmation. It helped me trust my instincts when years of gas lighting made me doubt myself, doubt my own sanity.