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How can they go from one relationship to the next with the love bombing followed by devaluation and not see their own pattern? I mean mine told me I was her soul mate, perfect for her, what she had waited for her whole life, that she never dreamed that such a man would come into her life, etc. Followed by devaluation and rude and terrible behavior much of the time. How can they follow this pattern over and over and not realize it? Who goes around telling every person they date that they are their soul mate?

I believe PD people achieve this by projecting their own bad qualities onto others, plus being unwilling or unable to accept responsibility for their own decisions and behaviors. My ex blamed me for everything, literally everything, even his own choices and lies, all the while telling me I was "too intense", "too overwhelming, "too stressful", too whatever... .I really began to believe I was batsh*t crazy and that there was something wrong with my memory because the gaslighting was so pervasive. So really I believe they invent their own version of reality and if you challenge that reality they'll dispose of you like you're nothing and blame everything that went wrong in the relationship on some supposedly terrible quality of yours while refusing to reflect on their own behavior. I believe this is something quite unique to Cluster B personalities, as they all seem to function this way.

Hi Duped-

thefinalrose makes some good points, the projection, the lack of taking responsibility, the blaming, all responses to emotions that are too strong to soothe and perpetual triggering the closer you get, the nature of the disorder.


Borderlines do see the pattern, and BPD is a shame-based disorder, so accepting responsibility for their behavior or their part in the relationship would trigger great shame, always has, so psychological tools have been developed to not feel that, and can result in beliefs like "everyone leaves me" and "people are ugly", a fave of my ex.  That serves a purpose with a new suitor too, the woe is me victim stance that elicits sympathy from someone, which works to establish a new attachment, attachments being everything to borderlines.


Because it's true in the beginning with everyone.  Finally, the perfect person to form the perfect attachment with, which will allow a borderline to feel whole and complete, the whole point of attaching, a fantasy but 100% real, and of course no one's perfect and the disorder goes through its stages from idealization to devaluation, the perfect savior becomes a scumbag, and on to the next.  Very sad when you think about it, perfect turns to crap every time for a borderline, so they never get what they so desperately want, and the more it happens the more motivated a borderline can be to try again, quickly, otherwise the heartbreak just stacks.

But that's her.  How's it going for you Duped, having gone through those stages of idealization to devaluation?  Are you beginning to accept the disorder for what it is, and thereby detach from it?

If you haven't read this lately it might help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Thank you for the insight into shame. That fills an important gap in my understanding.

My BPD ex was aware of the pattern. She confessed to having gone through it with 30+ other men, but she confessed it only after our relationship was failing. At first I think she tried to bear the shame herself, but weeks later she was blaming everything on me.

change, self awareness, recognizing unhealthy patterns/habits, its all hard, and it requires taking responsibility for ones own life. who wants to do that 

my ex had some awareness of her history of failed relationships. taking real control of it is something i think she struggles with. truth is i have friends that are not personality disordered that are even less self aware than she is.

heres a favorite workshop of mine on the subject: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981

spot on for me.

Yes, they are aware of the pattern. He told me. But nothing was ever his fault. He once told me I called his cellphone number on purpose to upset him. I should have known to call his home number! Yikes! ex told me his mother thought something was wrong with him and would preemptively apologize for his behavior to his friends which I'm sure reinforced the behavior.

Bullseye! My ex in a nutshell. A failed marriage numerous one night stands and boyfriends. Played the vicitim to me right off the bat . Saying all they guys she was with cheated on her. Her ex raped her , her brother molested her. All lies of course. Loved boomed me like no tomorrow. Then came push/ pull quite a few times then the devaluation phase kicked in and I was blamed for everything . I was the one who needed a shrink, and the list goes on. Never took the blame for anything. My ex also would tell me that I was "too much " for her. I was smothering. I was none of those things but that's the way she sees things.

It's part of the disorder. They are able to splice out parts of their life to avoid pain and responsibility. It's like expecting a three year old to understand why they can't or shouldn't do something.

They are impulsive and reactive. You cannot have an adult conversation with a three year old. Imagine being an adult in that perpetual state of adolecence, at least when it comes to their behaviors.

Hi,
This is so similar to what I just went through. All tho she came back after one week and now she went off again. I just started reading up about BPD. Even tho now, She dispises me, Lies about me, Hates me,... .I can't seem to let her go. Even tho you can't blame it all on her being a BPD. But, I know atleast I could have handled things differently if I just saw this all sooner. I will not blame myself for it, because in some way you just can't. But either way I can not blame her for it either. There is only one question that I have to answer. Do I love her this much , that I am willing to change my behavior so I can see stuff coming 3 steps befor it happens? Or do I not? Now at this moment, I think if I have known what I know now. I could have avoided atleast 2 of the 3 fights or atleast not let them blow up. It's the guilt you feel after letting her/him down. The way they can make it sound like it's all your fault. Do not doubt yourself, work around it. If after all she still wants to see me and date me. I will give it a shot and never stop learning more about how it works and what makes it easyer for them.
Greets, Jitox

To the OP: I think you may be assuming that if the pattern were seen, there would be change; and that is a faulty assumption.

The fact that it's a pattern doesn't mean that, when fight/flight feelings arise, they can override those. Actually, few of us have the skills for that--it's just that those feelings may not come over us out of nowhere very often, if ever. Imagine if they did. The fact that you know your overwhelming feelings (which seem true and about danger (of being hurt, left or overwhelmed/swamped)) are cyclical doesn't mean that you don't feel them as real and valid information when they come.

I would say my ex is fixated on his patterns--he knows they are probably ruining his life. He is a brilliant guy who tries hard to be a good person. But he cannot overcome them. He keeps doing exactly the same thing. At great loss. And because of shame, he spends a lot of time trying on other explanations of what happens--ones in which he is not wrecking everything that matters. It would feel a lot better to him if there were another explanation (like, I haven't found the perfect city to live in yet, I need a new job/avocation, or, most common, I haven't found The One yet).

It's crazy to me that they can jump from one relationship to another and call each new partner their soulmate. Ridiculous, disturbing, and deceitful. Mine also blamed me for absolutely everything and even came right out and said it was ALL my fault and I wasn't the victim. She has exclusive rights to victim status.

She was w the guy before me for 6 years (what a doormat he must be) and she didn't bad mouth him a lot but she was a victim of life and a very negative and irritable lying pos.

Duped, you have every right to be angry. Better to let it out here than at your actual ex... .
as we know that never ends well!
 

It's hard being told you are someone's soul mate and then moments later they are leaping off to "blissland" with the next person. It makes you think you are crazy. How could we have felt completely different than they apparently did?

Right now you are mad. Eventually, you will be indifferent. That is my wish for you. It's easier once you get there and realize they are NEVER truly happy and they repeat the same bull shiz with other suitors. Eventually you will feel sorry for your replacement as hard as that may be to believe at this moment.

I recently saw my replacement. She gained a ton of weight and looks like a disheveled mess. I hear things are getting really bad, and my ex lives with her (we never lived together). My ex dysregulated around the holidays. When I think back to two years ago, how I dreaded holidays and now I am EXCITED for them again.

You will get there my friend. It's not a fast process but it's something we have to go through to fully heal.
 

My thoughts on this are a little different and maybe controversial.

During the idolisation phase we release all those feel good hormones. Serotonin, oxytocin etc. In the begining we are the perfect partner as we havent had a chancefor our flaws to come out. When the feel good hormones slow down then our flaws become apparent. The more that happens then the more the pwBPD feels conned. We go from the perfect partner to a liar. The reason they didnt see it was because they where high on happy hormones. At that time their reality was we were perfect. Once devalued the reality became we were liars. They dont need to excuse themselves as it wasnt their fault. If we hadnt been liars then they wouldnt have been nasty to us. In the mean time someone else appears for them to idolise so they never get the time to reflect. The cycle continues and their realityis that we were the ones at fault.

Yes I'm angry. Regardless of how screwed up our relationship was she was my best friend for two years and I made her the center of my world. The more I gave and the more imbalanced the relationship became, the meaner and nastier she got. I have zero respect for her. She is a complete fraud and has a mean heart. Satan in the female form

Mine only went through that all familiar process with men (like me) who actually fell for her and assumed we were on course for a long term loving relationship. Whoops.

The men who 'meant' most to her were the ones who didn't fall for her BS. She showed me a diary entry from several years before, regarding a fella she was seeing... .

 'I desperately love him... but he gives me nothing... '

Which kind of summarises another side to their relationships. They hate themselves so much they don't actually feel worthy of love, and so when it isn't reciprocated, it touches a nerve inside them, probably far more than someone (like me) who openly illustrated my feelings for her. I very much doubt she EVER wrote 'I desperately love him' in her diary in relation to me.

Snap Duped. I was where you are now my friend. I am two years out from a one year relationship. I was full of anger when she brushed me aside. Felt like I needed to tell the world about this 'awful woman'.

All  I can say is time a great healer. I'm actually at a point now where I actually feel sorry for her. I still think about her often, but in a more objective manner from before.

Sure she was a nightmare toward the end, but I've also recognised the part I played in the situation. I ALLOWED her to treat me badly. Had I operated with healthy boundaries I would have walked away from her before the pattern of devaluation became a constant in the relationship.

My relationship also fits the pattern. I used to wish I knew about PD's sooner, but based on what I've seen it's something that is very difficult to deal with. Compassion was my hook, and having a not terrible, but not really great r/s with my own mother who may have had some PD qualities... .and my lack of awareness of my pattern. I was sucked in by the love-bombing and the all my exes are terrible game, too. Now I figure they were *ALL* probably not so bad though I'm sure some could have been. I know no one has made it to the altar since her second husband. I would have been the third husband, less than a year after divorcing from the second. Why didn't I see the signs?

Keep pressing on to move forward.  I was deep in my relationship, too, and I struggled for a long time. I tried  hard to "figure it out". I even joined a BPD support group and made some pwBPD friends who helped me write a letter to her. It took a few exchanges for me to realize that her actions had very little to do with me and my words/actions or a reasonable person's sense of reality. Though there's a part of me that will always be compassionate for her... .I know well enough I need to stay away. I see now that we could not make a relationship work unless she possibly won the lottery! LOL

I feel so betrayed. We were so close. I just can't believe how fooled I was by this fraudulent, self centered piece of trash

Hi Duped1,

Please don't be too hard on yourself. It's a tough situation. Who doesn't want to fall in love? Boy, did I fall. The strange arguments we had struck me as strange and I didn't like those times, but I was in full throttle for the passion and romance. Picking myself up was tough. We talked about getting married early on and got engaged at only 4 months in. Some of my friends questioned me, but I was in love then. Just about 8 months later we had our wedding shower and then 2 days later she goes out with a male co-worker. I never saw that one coming. Love and wisdom don't often go together, is something my therapist said.

The good news is that it does get better over time. Keep plugging away and you'll get there. I don't know if I'll ever be so romantic again. My pastor says that the best marriages are the boring ones. Now I can see how that is probably true. No more crazy drama for me.

My reactions to her behavior weren't good. For months I stayed pretty calm but eventually i started fighting fire with fire and reprimanding her for her poor behavior. She would cry as she could say the nastiest thing in the world to me but I couldn't say she was being critical, selfish,disrespectful, rude, etc.

In the end my reactions wouldn't have mattered as she was impossible.

No, it wouldn't have mattered. But with some distance from it now, i no longer say 'my ex was impossible', i have a two point view on it now.

There is a lot of good in her, and i see that the Fear Of Abandonment and Mirroring dynamic also made her do a lot of self-sacrifice, that she often tried to be 'too good' for her own good in the earlier years.

The Bad is there too, and it is partially brought on by resentment and subsequent blind entitlement over that Self-Sacrifice ("I am done being your slave", but also to avoid drawing the one simple conclusion that's at the base of it all: that a deep fear of closeness makes that ultimate connection she longed for all her life impossible to maintain.

By filtering away the idealisation and devaluation I reached the point where i can see the "default state" in my ex, and recognize how Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Closeness all have had their extreme workings that makes being in a relationship with her 'impossible', both for herself and any partner.

And that's sad for the both of us. For me cause i kinda liked that 'default state'. And for her too cause recently she became very self-aware of that dynamic herself, and she is very afraid of what the future will bring now.

So sometimes they do see, and it must be very painfull to realise that you are caught in a rather self-destructive loop with a lot of collateral damage.

I really feel like this post has a lot in common with me. My ex had the same phases every time we got back together which is about four times. Always idealizing, everyone is terrible I'm the greatest, making me feel like king, then we start the push/pull there are fights things are bad one day good the next, then comes devaluation it's usually over pretty quick after that maybe 1-3 weeks. There has always been a fairly average time table too, the idealizing phase lasts about 2-3 months, then a month or two of push/pull, then the devaluation phas of 1-3 weeks, then a break up. Then being broken up lasts for about 2-3 months, sometimes if it's a lesser devaluation and break up it only lasts a month. Does anyone else have a BPD ex that worked like clockwork with these phases too?

My timeline got shorter and shorter until finally I left town and she replaced me. Here's how it went:

First go-round: about 8 months of idealization, with some rages in there but not much devaluation or push pull until the break up, after the break up totally painted black

Second round (with a few little get togethers in between): about 5 months (with lots more rages in between) before break up

Third round: about 3 months before break up

The devaluation phases were always pretty fast, very close to the break up, so luckily I didn't have to endure them for long. The discards were brutal.

 I can understand why pwBPD have a hard time seeing the pattern, cause even though I do see the pattern, I also that that I could be the one that might interrupt. I was so proud of us because I was her longest partner (3 years across the above time span)! And I of course share lots of the blame (along with BPD, and along with her) for our not being able to make it. And also, even though I'm so sad and miss her, I do wonder if her next girlfriend (the one she moved in with after 6 weeks) could be the one that could make it last. They have 5 1/2 months under their belt now and seem happy as clams.

Someone with a serious mental illness that allows them to distort reality so they are never at fault, if they accepted responsibility for relationship failures they would melt into a puddle of shame.