BPDFamily.com

Hey guys,

I've been a long time member of this board, well long for me, maybe a year, I haven't posted in 5 months, because you guessed it, I went back into my toxic relationship. I'm posting again now because, you guessed it, it went up in flames like never before.

Quick recap me and my now, again, ex have been together a little over two years. In that time we have broken up for an extended period about 4 times, with a few other two day break ups. I have some blame that falls on our relationship problems, especially early on, less so now that I have learned so much. But the majority of our turmoil was due to her. Just a recap of some things that have happened: she drunk cheated on me 3 months in, broke up with me over the phone 6 months in, pulled me back in only to crazy make and torture me some more only to leave to drink with a friend on my birthday where we broke up for her doing that, let her pull me back in again 5 months ago with talks of living together, marriage, and babies only to be found texting her boss inappropriately and finding out they hooked up when we were broken up. If that's not bad enough she doesn't try to make any amends or fix the situation, she acts as though I'm irritating for being upset over it, she then proceeds to get drunk and graphically detail hooking up with 4 or so other people while we were broken up, for what reason I don't know, maybe to hurt me for something. She then wanted to feed me and sleep with me, which I did for some reason, and the next day she sober says there's probably no going back for us after what she did and said, still didn't try to make the situation better at all, so finally after all this time I think I realized what she truly is. Sick. It's hard for me to not be cruel considering what she has put me through.

I was talked into moving in with her and then lived there and drove her everywhere and to work because her car died. She paid no gas, I also bought every meal we ate pretty much. I gave up sleep, work, free time, friends, and family because I thought I was helping my soulmate the one who can never really leave me. In actuality it seems I was being used until the excitement of our once again new relationship faded away, and something different presented itself.

By the way her boss who she was texting and talking bad about our relationship to, and had previously had sex with, has a girlfriend whom he lives with. He's also not as close to as nice or good looking as me, that's just fact not ego. I did everything I could for her and then she dropped me for some text messages. Pulled me out of her two kids lives who lived with us part time, had me put my notice in on my apartment only for her to do this.

In a month or so she's gone from loving on me, texting me, having fun with me, sleeping with me to us breaking up because she wanted to text her boss, basically in front of me, that's how I found out. I made excuses for all her previous behavior, the cheats, lies, break ups, cruel words, lack of emotional connection, because she has some difficult things happen to her. But I realize she brought them all on her self. The fact is she is self centered, hates herself, attention seeking, manipulative, cruel, uncaring, and for lack of a better term whore. That's not speaking from anger either, after she told me everything and all the other stuff that's been said and done it is an accurate term.

What gets me is sometimes she seems so rational, other times it's like a thought doesn't enter her head. She will never be able to have any type of real relationship with her boss, not even sure she wants one, she has no friends or family here, barely lives paycheck to paycheck, has two kids from two different fathers, an apartment she can't afford, and an ex husband that hates her. So with us breaking up she can no longer afford the apartment which the lease runs out next month, and we were going to live together, she had no one to watch kids besides me, family is far away and she can't afford daycare. I'm a full time personal trainer, make decent money, in good shape, tall, and good looking. Not only that I did more for her then anyone else has including her family. How did she through it all away over nothing, nothing coming from this could have ever improved her life like I did. We always had a good friendship and relationship(when she wasn't having her moments). So there was some type of love there and now all of it gone, for what? Answers I probably will never get, but if you have any ideas please feel free... .

Thanks guys!

Karmas,

That sounds like a terrible slog to go through, and my heart goes out to you. I can imagine the heartache you're feeling.


It can be an especially painful betrayal when we've gone out of our way to be understanding and show compassion. It's hard to fathom that all of that can be repaid so cheaply. That's not to say you were wrong to show compassion. But if she keeps giving you the same hurtful treatment in return, then detaching will mean letting go of the expectation that her behaviour will change in this relationship.


That sounds like anger. And that can be a good thing. You should be angry, given the behaviour you describe. It can also be accurate. Angry and accurate aren't mutually exclusive. Though you might find yourself reaching for different descriptive words when angry, as opposed to reflective. In any case, when you put your heart on the line and give what you can for someone, then get repaid with callousness and disregard, anger is a healthy reaction. It can be one factor that helps you detach from the relationship.


I know what you mean. My ex often seemed utterly incapable of turning down sexual attention from men. She once came to me with an email exchange from a friend's step-dad. He had suggested a private photo shoot to her, she had responded something like, "oh wow, my first real photo shoot, eh!", and then told me she was creeped out when he wrote back from a separate, secret email account trying to set something up. She came to me with this as though she were genuinely lost as to how to react and what it all meant. I told her I couldn't for the life of me understand why she responded the way she did if she didn't want it all to escalate. I think in moments like that even she was confused by her inability to turn down sexual attention, even from men she seemed truly creeped out by.

It's painful to think about. It makes me angry, but also sad for her, for both of us and our failed relationship. But at some point, if we're convinced the person isn't changing and will continue the same patterns, we have to accept it and draw whatever boundaries we need.


For a pattern of behaviour she seems doomed to repeat. Or at least that she doesn't seem willing or able to change now. It's painful, I know. And not a satisfying answer. Sometimes the answer is staring us in the face, though, even though part of us would very much like to keep digging for a more satisfying one.

So, this is where you are now. How do you see yourself moving on? Are you committed to detaching from your ex this time? What was it that drew you back in after the past few break-ups?

Hello KharmasReal

I remember your story and am sorry to read what you've experienced since.

I agree with refriesen's reply, also understand that this is not a good time of the year for this to happen.

"How did she through it all away over nothing, nothing coming from this could have ever improved her life like I did."

Your comment shows self-value and also confusion. Hang on to your self-value and, in due time, give those things to someone who is mentally stable. Your ex isn't and your confusion is understandable.

We all know it's a long haul and you are not alone, we understand.

Best wishes. Troisette.