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Title: suggested response to this? Post by: malibu4x on December 02, 2016, 09:18:28 PM How would ya'll respond to this.
Wife is tired, decides to go to bed early because she was up at 5am for some reason. I say I'm going to watch a movie with kids, she says "great, good night". Son(10yr) goes upstairs about 45 mins later to go to bathroom. Decides to open door and see if mom wants to cuddle. She says "No. Not now! I'm trying to sleep. Get out!" He comes downstairs and says "mom hates me". I tell him mom doesn't hate him, but she is exhausted and depressed and you just woke her up. I tell him sorry forgot to tell you that mom was going to sleep and not to bother. Do I say something in the AM to my wife about how she hurt her son with that reaction and rejection (even though he woke her)? I'm just afraid that it will start the day off sour and with the weekend ahead... .need every chance I can get to make it smooth as possible. (I hate weekends) Title: Re: suggested response to this? Post by: livednlearned on December 03, 2016, 08:23:58 AM I see a slightly different dynamic going. You have a lot of power -- it could really change things for your child to make a small adjustment.
Your son told you how he felt, in kid language (mom hates me). And your response amounted to, "Your feelings are wrong. And here's why." You had good intentions! We all do. The skills to address this kind of thing are non-intuitive. Instead of telling BPDw, "Hey, that was mean last night what you did," which you know will end badly, and won't change anything, you can validate your child's feeling in the moment he feels hurt (or after). "Wow, that would hurt my feelings too if someone said that to me. I can see why you feel hurt. Let's snuggle here together for a few minutes." When you give him your empathy and validation, it does not change how he feels about his mom, it validates that yes, when someone tells you to get out and go away, it hurts. He will be much more likely in his future intimate relationships to listen to those feelings, instead of pushing them down and making excuses for them, ignoring warning signs and red flags as he looks for a loving partner. Basically, you help him feel less isolated in his emotions, which is a really tough place to be in (as many of us know) Title: Re: suggested response to this? Post by: malibu4x on December 03, 2016, 08:35:00 AM Instead of telling BPDw, "Hey, that was mean last night what you did," which you know will end badly, and won't change anything, you can validate your child's feeling in the moment he feels hurt (or after). "Wow, that would hurt my feelings too if someone said that to me. I can see why you feel hurt. Let's snuggle here together for a few minutes." Thank you! Exactly what I needed to hear. Title: Re: suggested response to this? Post by: teapay on December 03, 2016, 09:00:34 AM With 5 small kids in our house this is a common situation. I handle it the way you did because it accurately describes the reality of the situation, but I would add mom shouldn't have treated you in that way (by yelling), but also that they should respect mom's wishes to be alone and to sleep.
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