BPDFamily.com

I have been married a little over 2 years and have been with my wife for 3 and a half years.  I had no idea what BPD was before we got married.  There weren't any signs that my wife had a disorder at all during the first year and a half of our relationship.  Shortly after we got married we decided to have a baby. My wife had an IUD birth control implant that she had removed about a month after we got married.  Shortly after that I started to see a change in her. She became pregnant about 3 months later and the rage, mood swings and her being very insecure came out. I thought it was the hormonal change in her body due to the pregnancy.
After she gave birth to our daughter there was an extreme change to her and her mood swings, and rage intensified greatly.  I assumed it could be postpartum depression and maybe that also contributed to her BPD. We also each have children from previous relationships which adds to the difficult relationship that we have. After our daughter was born my wife completely turned on my 11 year old daughter.  Such minor things like if she won't eat all the food my wife makes, My wife gets extremely upset
I have tried to get her into counciling and we have had 2 different councilors that didn't work out.  My wife is in complete denial that she has any disorder and blames me for everything.  The only way I can get her to see a counselor is for marriage counseling and I am currently working on getting a marriage councilor that specializes in BPD or high conflict disorders. It is very difficult and tired of us being miserable all the time. I hope to meet people here and get advice on how to deal with this and make progress in a positive direction and get away from all the negativity.

Hey Budfong,

Welcome and hello  :)

People with BPD are often not reacting to the present situation but to something that took place earlier -- sort of a ready-reference list of beliefs about the world usually learned in childhood. That gets super confusing when you're trying to figure out why you're the target of rage over minor things.

Having a very unstable sense of self, and being vulnerable to emotional instability makes it hard for pwBPD to trust. She is also likely to interpret things self-referentially, so no matter what you're doing, she thinks about it in terms of how it relates to her, usually in a negative way.

If she says it looks like it's going to snow today, and you comment that your weather app says rain, she assumes you don't trust her ability to predict snow. 

What happens when your wife turns on your D11? How do you handle those episodes?

Maybe we can look at some specific interactions and share some skills that can prevent things from getting worse.

LnL

Welcome Budfong,

Sorry to hear of all the difficulties.  Can relate. My D9 I think has sensory processing issues, and just doesn't like most foods.  My wife will make something that everyone enjoys except D9.  Currently this is a major issue for my BPDw.  She loses it and ruins the night for everyone.  Trying to figure out how to handle as well.

Welcome.

If she is BPD, or behaving like BPD, then therapy is one answer - but not a great answer and not the only answer... .!

I think the rate of "recovery" from BPD is low. Most suffers don't want therapy and those that do gain "some control", but I havn't heard many success stories.

So keep trying to get therapy for you both, but accept it may not help.

Instead, this site focusses on how YOU can change your behaviour in order to better protect yourself, to be able to interact better with her, and to become more at peace.

These skills help! Many people here have chosen to live with their BPD spouse - me included. You can learn the "best" way to interact with her, how to understand what she "really means", and how to make the best of your situation. These skills can also be taught to your children. I have found a lot of things I've learnt actually help me relate better to other people as well - including my own kids.

There are many resources and I don't want to flood you. I suggest reading a few pages from the column on the right and asking specific questions.