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Title: Introduction Post by: sister to sister on December 04, 2016, 02:49:39 PM Hello everyone. I have a sister with BPD. I don't really know the degrees of BPD, but if I had to guess, I would call it very severe. She and I are in our late 30s. It's worsened since her late 20s and I've been aware of the dysfunction for years. I've been successful and setting up boundaries with her, but she finds ways to attack me and insult me with the most venomous hateful threats and accusations.
I guess I am here on this site because I am trying to understand why, after all these years, and despite my knowing this is an illness and that I don't deserve the abuse, why it still hurts so much. To the point of actual depression. Maybe it says more about me and my personal weaknesses? Of course there are many more complicating factors that have once again caused me to become involved with her -- practical things involving other family members who she is also hurting. I will explain if someone is interested. I want so bad to be able to look at this clinically, like I look at my patients or clients (I'm a nurse, have worked in social work - I know how to set boundaries with no problem) but I can't seem to accomplish this with my sister. I actually really do want to help her (she really needs some basic help - she is very alone, very miserable, can't work, etc) and I just love her. Even though she's professed many times hatred for me and that I should die. So why do I keep doing this? Maybe it's something wrong with me? Or maybe if I could find the right support, I could work through the emotion so I can actually help her. Is it unhealthy for me to think I can help her and take the abuse without hurting myself? Should I give up? Should I talk to a professional? Does anyone have a similar experience with any wisdom to share? I'd love to be able to share the details with someone and get any feedback. Thank you. Title: Re: Introduction Post by: Naughty Nibbler on December 04, 2016, 03:56:48 PM Welcome Sister to Sister: I'm sorry about your sister. I have a problem with my sister as well. I'm the one who went to therapy, instead of her. That is how I made sense out of her SPLITTING ME BLACK (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0). I wasn't familiar with splitting at the time. It was a hard concept for me to grasp, as was almost everything about BPD behavior. It can be so hard to understand how someone can appear to be a perfect church member and then flip to the complete opposite with certain family members. Quote from: sister to sister I have a sister with BPD. I don't really know the degrees of BPD, but if I had to guess, I would call it very severe. I purchased the audio book for "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and then I purchased the Kindle version of a workbook. I used a survey in the workbook that indicated that my sister is likely a high-functioning BPD. If you click on the link below, you might be able to confirm the level of BPD for your sister. DSM - BPD DEFINITION (https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder DSM Definition: Borderline Personality Disorder [/url) Quote from: sister to sister She and I are in our late 30s. It's worsened since her late 20s and I've been aware of the dysfunction for years. I've been successful and setting up boundaries with her, but she finds ways to attack me and insult me with the most venomous hateful threats and accusations. Sometimes, stress and life events can bring out the worst in a person with BPD (pwBPD). My sister has had her issues, but she bloomed into significant BPD behaviors when our parent's health began to decline. They were both hospitalized at the same time and passed within 4 months of each other. Quote from: sister to sister I guess I am here on this site because I am trying to understand why, after all these years, and despite my knowing this is an illness and that I don't deserve the abuse, why it still hurts so much. To the point of actual depression. I can relate to what you are experiencing. It can be hard to make sense out of it and it is very easy to bounce back and forth from acceptance to asking why we can't have an understanding and supportive sister. It can help to look at things from the perspective of RADICAL ACCEPTANCE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all) Quote from: sister to sister Of course there are many more complicating factors that have once again caused me to become involved with her -- practical things involving other family members who she is also hurting. I will explain if someone is interested. It could help to share some specifics. Sometimes, some unhealthy triangulation can occur in families. It might be helpful to read about the Karman Drama Triangle and about healthy triangulation at the link below:https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle Quote from: sister to sister I actually really do want to help her (she really needs some basic help - she is very alone, very miserable, can't work, etc) and I just love her. Even though she's professed many times hatred for me and that I should die. Is it unhealthy for me to think I can help her and take the abuse without hurting myself? Should I give up? Should I talk to a professional? Does anyone have a similar experience with any wisdom to share? Unfortunately, we can't change someone, no matter how much we love them. We can only control how we interact and react. Some therapy could be helpful for you. It can be helpful to work through some of the strategy and communication skills in conjunction with therapy. Is your sister in therapy or on any meds (or has she been in the past)? Does you sister relate to some family members better than others? |