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I am actually having a hard time starting this post. Its been a while since my last. I'd like to say there have been improvements. But no. I am unsure of where my life is going. Well I take that back I know where its going I don't know how to keep it from going down the drain. I let my wife drive all conversations, narratives and well everything in my life. I accept the verbal abuse and pass it off as she not being able to verbalize her conflicts in better ways. I thought I have developed a tough skin over the last 15 years. This weekend was a new low. I will spare the story as it is irrelevant. But she was raging over the weekend for something I did (unintentionally). After calling me every deplorable and despicable name in the book (all of which I could take) instead of saying stuff under her breathe (along with to my face) she was describing to the dogs just how worthless I am. I was surprised how much that hurt. It was just a new low I guess.

Everyday I get the comments of how her life sucks and all the changes we made were for nothing. regrets moving and this and that (including me). She have recently bee saying she wants a child. She hates kids. She pretty much doesn't like anyone. Puts them down. If her few friends had a clue how she thought of them they would go the route of all the others and cut her out of there life. Same for her family. I think they have caught on to how she feels about them however.

I continue to prop up this behavior and go along to get along. I live with a person that has said more time than I can count how she hates me but wants to be intimate. But even with that she has told me she just wants to get off and I'm the only one there. Makes me feel real good about myself. I have asked many times why I let this continue. I get answers that makes sense but no one can but me can change it I know. I just wish I knew what its going to take. I might be close to finding out maybe and its not in a good way. I found out today my Grandmother isn't doing well and I have not had contact with any of my family for about 8 years. Its been hard on them and myself. I am afraid even with this happening I will continue my seclusion from them. I am miserable and its all on me.

Hey there, Cipher13

I am sorry things are so hard for you right now, and for a while.  It's good you post about it - writing things out is helpful. It sounds like you are feeling quite stuck and low on energy. This is a hard place to be and I feel for you, because I know what it's like.

I wonder if having someone else, a professional, to speak to might help you to lift the fog a little for yourself and begin to get back a sense of control over your own life. Have you tried therapy in the past? I am sorry, I don't know your backstory, although I do see you have posted a good bit here before.

You know you are among friends here. We do know what it's like to feel stuck and low. What is some small thing or things you could do right now to give yourself a little breather? Go about therapy, maybe indulge yourself a little in a healthy hobby, meet others in an environment that has nothing to do with your r/s, even go for a walk in nature? 

I feel like you need  a lift, just a little oxygen, a small respite.  What do you think you need?   

Thanks VitaminC

I have sought T in the past. With few results due to my wife disliking that nothing is changing or more frequently all the moves we make. I have a new appointment for one in a couple days. As far as hobbies go I have zero. They "take away form time spent with wife" I am told. The are "selfish since they are not what she wants to do nor do they include her" If I even suggest doing something on my own it must be because I am meeting someone that's better than her. I have zero friends and zero family to communicate with in person. She has successfully isolated me. I do everything I can for her. She basically doesn't have to do anything.

Cipher, I completely understand your dilemma and understand that this is not "all on you". Hang in there and know you can and will be stronger each day and through each situation.

I have to say, my thoughts are with what VitaminC says, get some breathing space, some oxygen.


I wonder what you mean here, by "it."

Much of your post explains that you have given up all that makes you a differentiated person from your wife.

VitaminC asks:

Cipher13:

Can you see where he asked you about YOU?
Yet you replied about how your wife dislikes it.

It leads me back to your question:

If you are hoping for a way to save a relationship, to make changes, and ALSO are only willing to make a change under the condition: as long as it does not upset my wife.

My prognosis, I suspect:
Not much is going to change

Sounds like you ain't got much left to sacrifice to save this.  Sounds like you sacrificed all of you.

How does it sound to think of getting some space
On your own
From your wife
To think of only yourself during this time
Relearn to spend time with Cipher13, show him you care about him, he is worth it and is a priority?

Ironically, many pwBPD actually while seeming to insist on their partner being 100% enmeshed, they often despise partners without a differentiated self also.  After reading around, seems like the ones that go on to work through the issues, gotta first reclaim a sense of self to work with.

Ironically, this means a wee bit of detaching and distance.  Some breathings space... . To bring to the mix a more individuated approach.

Getting a therapist that is YOURS only could be an excellent start!

Hey Cipher, Presumably you get something, besides sex, out of your marriage.  What is it?  What keeps you in it?  Maybe this inquiry could help you to find a path forward.  At the moment, it seems like you are lost in a dark wood, to paraphrase Dante.  I was once in your shoes, so I know the feeling, believe me.

LuckyJim

Cipher: You have over 600 posts, so you are not new. Yet it doesn't sound like you have very good conversation techniques (Validation) and you certainly don't have very good boundaries. Both of these are essential if you want to retain your own self.

How well do you Validate her during conversations?

Enforcing Boundaries is required for you to stop long horrible conversations and to have your own interests and life.

Ironically, I actually believe that although a BPD will voice many objections by you having a life, and standing up to her, they actually NEED it. They NEED to know that you are confident and strong enough to stand up to them, so that you can be relied on.

 What keeps you in it?  I am not exactly sure. Fear. Fear that she can't make it on her own.
How well do you Validate her during conversations?  I have improved in this area however I ultimately cave when trying to establish any resemblance of a boundary. 

Last night is a perfect example of how I self sabotage any opportunity for some sort of conversation on ending the relationship. She brought up she is not happy with us nor sees any way that will change. I asked her what is it that she wants and means by that. Eluding to ending the relationship. For reasons I am not entirely sure of I try to show her that I want to continue to improve the relationship and don't want it to end. But I really do. I want her to be the one that moves forward in that. I am terrified of agreeing and suggesting it be over. I think then she will use that against me in a further argument of "see I told you that you hate me and want to leave me." A constant fear obviously.

Hey Cipher, That was an honest answer.  Right, you're afraid.  I suspect you are also afraid to upset the applecart that is your marriage.  Problem is, you're waiting for her "to be the one that moves forward in that [ending the r/s]," which could be a vigil unto death.  As you note, you are "terrified of agreeing and suggesting it be over."  The issue, in my view, is not whether she wants the r/s to end; rather, the issue is what you want to do.  Well, what do you want to do?  What would you like to see happen?  How would you like things to play out?

LuckyJim

  Hi, Cipher, I've not seen you post for a few months, but I've seen your posts over the years. I know you feel stuck. Being stuck sucks. Right now I'm feeling stuck too, and how different or similar my situation is doesn't matter.

Wish you well. Wish I could say something that I haven't already said, or somehow un-stick you.

  GK

How are you doing now, Cipher?

Update on things- 
Feeling miserable. Been going to new counselor. Only 2 sessions. I think he is starting to understand some of what is going on. He knows and has expressed how unhealthy of a marriage I am in. Also I had a family member pass and I didn't go to funeral or memorial as it on my side and my wife has no idea. (Part of the unhealthy marriage I am contributing to)

I am coming up in a week on my 15 year anniversary. Since I knew about this for a year or more I am told anyway, I should be planning something to blow her socks off and wow her. She has told me she also expects I will fail and disappoint her. She is right there because I have not planed anything. I have attempted to but none of what I suggested she is on board with. We have a limited budget and she knows this better than I do even. Yet she wants the whole tropical paradise getaway on a weekend motel budget.  Not going to happen.  I am completely dreading next week when the day finally arrives. Its been hell leading up to it but I know it will be worse on that day. I'm already having small panic attacks just thinking about it.

I used to look forward to Christmas. Now I dread it because of the time off. Same reason I dislike weekends. I am stuck at home doing nothing I want and everything she wants to please her. Even though I know it won't be good enough. I am purely ranting right now because I know everyone that has offered up opinions have been super helpful and means well. I also know its up to me to deal with it. But I know I will never get there. Misery is what I have in store for myself and I know it. Even knowing it doesn't give me enough motivation to change it. That is the part I can't understand. 

What can you do about your anniversary KNOWING that she will blow up and blame you?

What do you want to give her... .knowing she will find fault or reject it?

Divorce papers. 

You sound as if you are sentencing yourself to this kind of life forever. This is not necessary.

What is the worst possible thing that could happen if you left one day with your clothes, toiletries and personal papers and never spoke to her again (that is, communicate through lawyers)?

Seriously, what can she DO to you?