BPDFamily.com

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, a couple for 15. Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with mild BPD. He is chronically depressed, and lately seems worse. He has talked about suicide, though has not attempted. Addiction to alcohol was an issue in the past, and occasionally he has a relapse. He most definitely experienced emotional neglect in childhood, and his parents are essentially unwilling to discuss. Anything mental health related is dismissed.

We have three children, ages 8, 6, and 3. My husband is a wonderful father most of the time, though he struggles to not slip into the parenting ways he learned as a child. Our middle child is particularly sensitive and much more aware of how Daddy feels/acts than the others.

I am overwhelmed with trying to "do it all" AND be supportive to my husband. Some of his words and actions have hurt me so very deeply, I am beginning to wonder if staying in this marriage is the right choice for our children and I.

Hi iamstarstuff,  

*welcome*

I'd like to.welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how difficult that is when you're not getting support and your burning the candle at both ends. There is hope.

I'm glad that you decided to join us. Many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. Many of us also had a lot to say when we first got here, I think that's a good start.

What is your support network with family and friends? What do you do for self care? Is your H in therapy? Are you seeing a T?

*hi*
Welcome  Iamstarstuff:

I'm so sorry about what you are going through.  You really have your hands full.


Is you husband taking any meds for his depression and/or getting therapy?  It is best to take talk about suicide seriously.  The article at the link below has some helpful information about suicide prevention:

SAFETY FIRST- CLICK HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

The website below might have some helpful info. as well.

www.suicidepreverntionlifeline.org/#


I can understand how the words and actions of someone with BPD can be hurtful.  Unfortunately, people with BPD can be perfectly fine with strangers/coworkers, etc.  They save up their bad behavior for when they feel safe, with those closest to them.  I can see how it would be scary for a sensitive child to witness a dad's bad behavior.

Unfortunately, we can't change others, only the way we interact and react.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful.  Working through FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), setting firm boundaries and employing some validation and communication skills can make things better for you.  The information below can get you started with some basic tools.

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

SETTING  BOUNDARIES (http://www.httsp://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0;all)

VALIDATION (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)

Validation (or minimally not being invalidating), can be a productive tool to use.  It doesn't mean that you agree with your husband's position, just that you acknowledge his feelings.

Do you have family and friends you can turn to for support?  Perhaps some therapy could be helpful, to help you, as you work through things and consider your options.  

Thank you for your replies. I have been meaning to spend more time on bpdfamily... .

Is you husband taking any meds for his depression and/or getting therapy?  It is best to take talk about suicide seriously.  The article at the link below has some helpful information about suicide prevention:

He was on anti-depressants, but neither of us were really sure they weren't hurting more than helping. He is not in active therapy. He has a DBT workbook and tries to employ many of strategies. I think he works quite hard at this, but is resistant to regular therapy. He went to see a psychologist of his own accord last June when he received the BPD diagnosis. I have taken suicide talk very seriously.


Unfortunately, we can't change others, only the way we interact and react.   

I am trying to learn about how our personalities interact... .my husband, when in a 'bad place', will often say that I am too dominant a person. My own certain views of the world make his black and white thinking worse, he says. Or he'll say that my body language/tone/response reminds him of his condescending father. Or my questioning (of just about anything) shows my dis-trust for him as a person and man.


Do you have family and friends you can turn to for support?  Perhaps some therapy could be helpful, to help you, as you work through things and consider your options. 

I am lucky to have family and friend support. Although, I find when people don't have an understanding of BPD they seem to react with a, "I can't believe you're putting up with that", attitude. I know I have friends who think I should leave the marriage. I have engaged in some therapy but think I need more.




[/quote]

Hey iamstarstuff  
Good to see you again.

In what way do both of you think the antidepressants are/were hurting?  Is he experiencing some side effects?  :)o you notice any differences in his behavior?  

Sometimes the effects can be subtle.  When my father was on antidepressants, he wouldn't admit to any benefit, but the rest of the family noticed that he was less grumpy, critical and more pleasant to be around.


What was the situation with your husband's family of origin (FOO) and father.  He says his father was condescending.

Do you understand how body language and tone can be invalidating?  Can you pinpoint, from his point of view, what he believes he sees in your body language and tone?  

What can be more important than validating is to not invalidate.  Sometimes, we can invalidate others, without realizing it.  We may repeat the way we were invalidated in the past. The two links below have some good examples.  

www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#Two out of three ain't bad

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html


It can be hard for those unfamiliar with BPD to understand the behaviors you are dealing with.  It took me awhile to make sense out of projection, splitting and how a person with BPD, or with strong BPD traits, could treat others well, but then be awful to someone close to them.

Many people find that therapy, coupled with interacting on the boards here, can be a winning combination.  This can be a good place to practice some communication skills and strategy. It can, also, be helpful to take some lessons you find here, to a therapy session and gain your therapist's input and guidance on how to specifically apply some strategy to your specific situation.

After reviewing some of the examples at the links above on validation/invalidation, can you think of some ways you might be invalidating your husband?  Validation/invalidation can be confusing.  I think most of us have invalidated others, without realizing what we were doing.