BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I have been separated from my soon to be ex-spouse for the last three months after a post traumatic stress episode.  She began seeing a counselor to begin working on the issues from her childhood.  We just began talking again a few weeks ago, and our conversations have been really good.  I actually feel we now have a deeper level of friendship we never had at any time over our nine year marriage.

However, when she had the PTSD episode she seems to have placed me in her step-fathers role, which places me as a PTSD trigger.  She also shows a large amount of BPD symptoms to go along with it.  Unfortunately, when she had the episode she also launched a rather large distortion campaign against me which included teachers, girl scout leaders, police, our church, our extended families, and our neighbors.  Her fear was so great she was also granted a three month protection order against me.  The damage done has been so extensive that I had to leave the area to keep my sanity (we live in a small community in Wyoming) and I will be unable to return.

During our conversations she has mentioned that she loves me, but needs to get a divorce so we can both become whole.  Through counseling she has learned that she needs to be without a romantic partner for at least 3-5 years.  She has also stated that she wants to be friends, and, if in time it allows, for us to begin a new relationship together.  She also has mentioned how, when the time is right, she wants to be able to date other people so she can begin to truly discover herself.  She has said that she wants me to do the same thing.

I love her and I can see how she is healing in a way I haven't seen before.  I want to encourage her to do whatever she needs to do to become the whole person she is striving to be, even if that means she has to date other people.

However, I have been contemplating dating others and it doesn't sit right with me.  I don't want to play with another girls heart when I still care deeply for my soon to be ex.  I also feel no giant drive to do so.  Would it be best for me to begin seeing others?  If, in time, I chose to, could this damage her healing process or would it make things better for her?

Thanks,

Staying Steady

Staying Steady,

You stated a good reason to not be dating others for a while. Why play with someone else's heart when you still care deeply for your partner? This shows empathy for someone else as well as insight that you are not emotionally available to really care for another person right now.

What your partner proposes- either you dating others soon or hanging on as a friend to perhaps pick up the relationship later isn't really a way to grow or heal from the end of a relationship. While it is natural to want to be with someone else, some emotional healing has to occur-to be OK with yourself alone. The end- or in this case- a change- depending on if she does follow through on a divorce- of a relationship is hurtful- but working through that can bring emotional growth, rather than escaping it through the feel good high of a new relationship.

There is another reason to not date "too soon". We choose, and tend to attract, people who match our emotional maturity or personal issues in some ways. If we have issues in a relationship, and that relationship ends, and we don't do some personal work on these issues and date right away,  then we risk recreating them in another relationship. This may be the reason your spouse was advised to wait before dating, although 3-5 years may not be the time frame for everyone.

Her other reason- for you to be friends and perhaps start another relationship ( and if that means 3-5 years) can make it hard for you to move on if you so choose to. This doesn't mean a drastic ending if you don't want it,( however, she will make her choices as well)  but it means you can choose the course that is best for you- regardless of what she wants. Some people choose to stay in contact, and others don't- for their own emotional healing.

You want what is best for her healing, but her healing isn't something you can control. She seems to be getting care for her situation- and she is in counseling. That is out of your hands. However, there is another side to your relationship and that is you. What you can do is work on your own emotional health through this- even getting your own counselor to advise you if you wish. She's proposed what she wants, but you have choices too. Dating others right now is looking for something else to "fix" you, but the only person we can really work on is ourselves.

This is very selfless of you. You are a good man.

We did some editorial work with a recovering borderline back in 2007 and we talked at length about recovering while inside a relationship. She mad an interesting point - sometime the supportive partner is viewed part of the problem or the life that needs to be left behind and is excised. I remember thinking how awful that would be to be a dedicated and supportive partner and get the "problem" tag and be pushed away. I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.

That said, I think her description of remaining friends, dating others, and possibly reuniting 3-5 years from now is a very nice "I want my new life now". Not a plan, but an attempt to soften the blow for her and for you.

I image you are wondering if this is an impulsive phase, or something that will stand the test of time. I would wonder that too.

I wouldn't start dating right yet. You might want to speak to an attorney. You also might want to enroll in a divorce recovery class.

Thank you Notwendy and Skip,

This is definitely information I needed to hear.  I'll hold off on the dating for now.  You're advice is definitely sound.  Again, I appreciate your support.