BPDFamily.com

I came home last night to find a battle going on between my wife and our son.  His younger sister had been pestering him, and he eventually threatened her.  This then led to an argument with his mother that involved him cursing at her.  She was furious and told I needed to talk to him about it after the concert.  He had apologized, but in an angry voice and she would not accept it.  She also said he did not understand the seriousness of making threats--which is indeed a problem.

She took him to the concert and I followed with our daughter a short while later.  I took our daughter home after the concert while she waited for him.  They get back to the house--fighting.  She had started crying and he felt manipulated.  She told me that she had told him, "He did such a good job.  He has so many talents, but he is not willing to focus on anything."  I pointed out that she was giving him praise but simultaneously turning it into criticism.

I had a long talk with him where I did draw a line on cursing and threats, but also focused on how to avoid escalating fights with his mother.  There was overlap, of course--will cursing at her get you what you want?  Will it end the fight or get her to back down?  But I also acknowledged her contributions to the problem.  She overheard some of the conversation (she says she was going upstairs to use the bathroom) and was upset that I thought of her as being a bully. 

She has told me for years and years that cursing is a trigger for her.  Earlier in the evening, she had compared cursing to how I felt when she blocked me from leaving a room during a fight--it was a trigger for me because of the bullying I experienced in school.  In reality, of course, she had just been blocking me because she "wanted to work things out."  I called her on this.  No, she did not want to work things out.  She did this when she was raging at me an unwilling to listen to reason.  Even my complete surrender would not get her to let up.  She sort of acknowledged this, but justified herself with, "well, at the time I THOUGHT that I was trying to work things out."

So this morning, she starts telling me about a conflict she is having with our daughter's dance school.  They don't want her to switch evenings because of conflicts she has had with other students.  My wife complained that they were treating our daughter like "a ___ING pariah!" I calmly asked her, "what did you just say?"  All that complaining about our son's cursing, and she just starts using "___ing."

I am reading a book called Shepherding a Childs Heart by Tedd Tripp, and I would recommend it to you.

This is an issue of respect. A child is supposed to respect (honor) their parents. When they don't, they sin. Pure and simple, and that sin needs to be atoned for. The author recommends paddling, of course, since the book is biblically based.

The child belongs to God. You are charged with raising the children. You are accountable to God for how they are raised, in accordance with His will. So when you do not discipline a child properly, you also sin against God.

Think about this a different way. Your son is angry because he perceives he has been treated unfairly by a police officer. What is appropriate there? Curse to much, and its a disorderly conduct charge, and a record. See my point? He needs to respect authority, even if he doesn't agree with them.

I have never found a situation where you win with a police officer if you challenge their authority. Even if they are completely wrong. You have to submit and deal with it after the fact.

So... .your son should have honored his mom, your wife, and submitted to her authority. He can wait until later, and come back and tell her how he felt. That is also biblical. If she doesn't hear him, then he needs to come  speak to you, and if you agree, then you both approach her. If she is BPD, then... .all this goes out the window.

But I do think you undermine her if you tell your son where she was in the wrong. There has to be balance. If your wife was wrong, she should apologize. Your son should apologize to her for cursing and being disrespectful. You can address the issue with her one on one. If possible.

In my no so humble opinion.

I had a similar issue with my son and my GF. She is BPD and he said something to her that hurt her feelings. I said, then you need to go talk to him about it. She said that I was pushing him off on her, and that I should handle it. I said, he didn't hurt my feelings, he hurt yours. All I am asking you to do is what any Christian should do, go to their brother directly. She eventually did, and he apologized and he loves her more because of it.