BPDFamily.com

This is sort of off topic but over the last couple weeks I find 2 extraordinary things related to individuals with BPD and BPD traits:

1) is their inability (could very well only be my spouse that exhibits this) to stop to notice the "small" things. For example, the smells, sight and sounds of an approaching thunderstorm. Sunsets or sunrises. The gracefulness of wildlife like hawks or eagles. Maybe it is just me but my spouse finds no joy in that at all and will make some rude or "jabby" comment if I should bring up a topic or observation like that.

2) is the traits and condition is the same with the individuals w BPD across cultures. Individuals from other countries, across the world and other areas can be so vastly different in spoken language, dress, beliefs etc ... .yet the presentation of the BPD traits can mirror each other almost exactly. I find it amazing that given each of the individuals upbringing and fundamental cause of the traits can be different but the end result and condition can be so similar.

Just mindless thoughts for today. My .02

Hi FiveForFighting:

ITEM 1
People with BPD commonly suffer from depression and anxiety or bipolar.  People in a depressive or anxious state can have trouble finding joy.  Unless they learn to practice mindfulness or some form of meditation, they may not let them selves experience their surroundings in a mindful way to appreciate the senses.

ITEM2
BPD can be genetic.  In that case, similar brain chemistry and/or wiring issues can bring on similar behavior across the words and multiple cultures.

Maybe they are all just too full of their own wants to notice beauty or other people.  My ex seemed to enjoy fireworks, but not on a budget.

I have noticed the same and it surprised me, especially number 2.  When I noticed that I was like wow it is the same everywhere.

Here is my take.

I bet that realizing that you have noticed something and they have not is triggering some shame, which results in the jab.

Or, they saw it, but didn't bring it up and you bringing it up produced shame.

It would be interesting to stop pointing things out and give it a rest for a few weeks.  Then start asking.  Validate/gentle praise for anything they see.

Let them share first... .then you share.  Make sure not to "top" them.  So, "wow... .the bird I saw is so much more colorful... ."  (bad)  "I thought the colors on the bird I saw were really interesting... ."  (good)

Thoughts?

FF

This was actually something that I was just thinking about recently. Funny enough, I stopped pointing things out years ago for this very reason. My insights or observances were triggering her so I stopped and no longer make any comments of the sort.

I provide an extraordinary amount of space and time for my wife to share her thoughts on specific issues and/or topics. I no longer provide my opinion on things as it seems to lead to nothing productive. I can have my own opinion as long as it fits hers. I have also learned years ago, that I will "top" or "one up" her regarding any issue or situation or decision. I will generally support any decision she makes unless it goes directly against biblical principle or is a danger or harmful to the kids, no matter what my initial view on the matter was.

Interesting.

Now that I have read a bit more of your story, I'm interested in a couple things.

Can you go into detail on "giving her space to share".  You said... she said... .  that kind of thing.

Do I detect that you feel a bit "resigned" that you have ceded your wife so much territory in the r/s... .so that she won't be triggered or feel "one upped"? 

Do you wish you hadn't "stepped aside" from so many issues?

I ask, because I've taken back many issues, at least my part in them, and let my wife do whatever she is going to do about it.  I'm certainly happier.

I no longer engage my wife on those issues, unless she brings them up.  When she does, I use the opportunity to validate, remain friendly, while expressing that I am a separate person... .with my own experiences.  That I am ready to share... .but I don't demand that she listen.

Thoughts?

FF

I give her space both physically and emotionally I suppose. I will not block doorways or hallways and will not get into her physical space because that will both cause her to become annoyed, thereby setting up the possibility of a situation. In an emotional capacity, I give her space and time by not bringing up any issues that will weigh on her or cause additional stress. I tend to attempt to resolve any of my issues on my own. This gives her time and space to explore and address things that are bothering her. She will eventually share things that are bothering her... .and they ultimately will take the form of complaints about situation (job, sister (who she has diagnosed w BPD), parents, my parents, me kids) or complaints about physical ailments (she battle daily migraines, among other ailments). It is at this point that I will let her know that I understand how difficult things are and have been for so long and that I am here to help any way that I can and support any way that I can. Also, by giving her space, I never bring up issues that involve her or are about her because that immediately results in escalation of behavior. (attitude, stonewalling, yelling, silent treatment).

Yes. Quite resigned i believe.
 
I dont know frankly. If I hadnt side stepped so many issues and held my ground, we'd be divorced by now. I have learned a lot about myself over the last 10 years. A lot about her as well. Double edged sword here... .meaning I am learning a lot and that means I am beginning to understand a lot more and that means more accountability on my part. But there is a part of this process that strips me of myself. There is a fine line between being a servant and being a doormat and I attempt to live out my life in front of her and love her as Christ loved the church. Not sure if Im even close to honoring that.

FF... .in addition and as follow-on to the topic; I receive this latest email today from a few emails we've been sending back and forth and I am at a loss on how to respond.

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It is not about helping me George. This is more than a scheduling/time management thing. I am seriously either depressed or oppressed or both. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. I just can't function right now. I honestly think maybe getting a part time job rather than a full time job would help me but I know we cannot do that financially.

I am just completely overwhelmed. I cannot handle everything emotionally. I cant pull myself together. I just want to go home.

I put on this nice face for people and I am dying on the inside. This weekend is going to be so hard for me. There is so much going on that I have to do and be apart of and I just cant.

I hate how I am. I hate who I am. I don't know what to do.
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I have been supportive, validating and empathetic but this seems like an open door to address some things but I have been here before. I have responded with love and recommendations etc only for her only to "flash" when I bring up something or external help.

 
How did you validate the email that you got.

What emotions did you "identify"... .and how did you validate them

FF

I dont know how I am going to do that. Open door? Possibly. Cry for help? Yes. But I imagine I will let her know that I know how hard it is and I know how much she is hurting and how stressed out she is. Then from there, I dont know. Oddly enough, my outlook exchange server is down and I cant email back yet.

This sounds like an opportunity to suggest some counseling.  I don't know her situation, but the part-time job also sounds like a way to help a person that is overworked too.