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I struggle to get the strength and confidence to leave a relationship with a Man I Married and just recently Divorced because I am afraid to be alone at 58 but also I loved him dearly until he was caught by me playing with a Naked young, what we call in Australia a Dirty Girl, theses are the Girls that are paid at a Bikie Club to entertain blokes with various sexually explicit acts. My Husband new I never approved of these guys night outs, but still engaged in it to entertain his mates.  I feel humiliated and cheated on.  It was my second Marriage and once again I tried to change my self into what my Husband wanted, to keep him happy but I wasn't. My second Husband has unreasonable expectations of what is acceptable in a Marriage. He was Married once before and then had three long term relationships before I Married Him. He had children in every relationship except with  me and has 7 children. I just cant seem to let go how much I did love him but I having such bad Depression because what he does is so against my upbringing that I feel like I live a double life with him.

Hi Wanttogetbetter,

*welcome*

I'm very sorry that your are feeling so conflicted and betrayed. Your feelings are so understandable. I know what you mean about changing yourself for your partner, and how much that ultimately backfires and causes us a lot of pain. I've been there, too. This is really hard to go through; I'm glad you reached out.  

You've found a great place for support. The members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. And the site has tons of tools to help things get better for you, no matter what you ultimately decide.

Letting go can be so tough. Step by step, we'll walk with you through the process of deciding, and hopefully you'll get some clarity about what is best for you.

Do you have friends and family who are supportive? What about a therapist or counselor to talk to? It's important to rally as much support around you as you can in times like these.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

Hi heartandwhole. It is such a relief to be able to discuss this problem as I don't want to burden my family with a situation that I created and only I can resolve. My ex is Narcissistic and has absolutely no insight into his behavior . Talking to him just goes over the same issues with him ending up telling me I'm a nut case. I keep trying to get some acknowledgement from him about how he hurts me. He also says that he is sick of my Depression and blaming him and he will just move on. He says he has done it before but I should be proud of myself because I'm the only Partner he ever had who sent him as crazy as I am. He says after me there will never ever be another woman in his life as its just too hard. I cant afford Counselling at the moment as I don't have a job, but I'm trying to get one. I just wan't to be able to stop feeling like I'm a failure and that my ex has problems that I can't change. I wan't to get my self confidence back and start living my own life. I kept trying to go back because I couldn't understand why he had changed so much over the 4 years we were Married. He became like a stranger almost. His short fuse got worse with me being embarrassed when we went out as he would tell complete strangers to stop f------- staring at him. He would have terrible road rage and I was scared for my own safety as he would challenge drivers to pull over and have a go. I became unwilling to go anywhere with him which made him more angry. When we do breakup and I try to ignore him, is main concern is ALWAYS whether he can continue a sexual relationship with me. This is so degrading. I don't think I was valued by him for anything else than to boost his ego and for what he could use me for. Why did I let him take advantage of me for so long and keep going back to him. I feel like I have no respect for myself for being so stupid. I was treated so badly by his best mate that I will never forget the hurt, yet my ex still embraces him and shakes his hand at every Club night on Fridays. He never once told his best friend to stop being nasty and trying to upset me. Even two of his Sons who are Meth addicts would be rude to me. One Son came to live with us at my House after his Mother kicked him out and sent him to stay with his Father. I tolerated the 26 year old Son spending everyday in our back shed working on an old go cart, eating meals I prepared and going away sometimes for a couple of days only to return high on Meth. I chastised him and his Father said I was being too hard on him. I got sick of being the only responsible adult in the house and felt like I was looking after two children. I'm so worn out and stressed that I went into a major Depression. While all this and more was happening and I was taking care of all the home duties, maintenance included as my ex was always at the Pub, I had to recover from falling from my roof and breaking my back in two places. Once during this time when I was confined to a wheelchair with a broken foot also from the fall and wearing a full back brace for 6 months it turned out, my ex got so angry with me wanting him to go to the pub less and help me that he accused me of keeping him in a cage and smothering him, trying to kill his personality and control him. He went out and left me alone for several days on my own. I managed around the house alone with great difficulty yes but determination to not let his selfishness destroy me. I have suffered such Depression that I have wanted to commit suicide to stop the painful memories of how he treated me. But I still tried to make things work, taking him back several times. What makes a person so pathetic that they continue to let themselves be used like I do.

Wantogetbetter,

You have been through a lot, and I understand your disappointment in your situation and even yourself. That's natural, especially when we realize that what we've been doing isn't working, and in some cases, damaging our wellbeing. But I do think it's a lot more complicated than "I'm pathetic." Most of us have returned to unhealthy relationships; you are not alone! You are doing the best you can at the moment—I believe we all are—and you are reaching out for support. That is a very big step, which I'm sure will lead to positive changes.

It will take time, though, and patience to get through. Please be gentle with yourself, because if you are depressed (and a lot us come here in that state; I believe I did), then you need a large does of hope right now. I hope that members' experiences here will show you that things really do get better.

I have confidence in you, Wanttogetbetter: you stopped going out with your partner when he put your wellbeing in danger, you managed to take care of yourself when you had a broken back, you've taken care of the household while feeling completely stressed and worn out. I know it doesn't feel like it now, with all that's going on, but it may be that you've forgotten how capable and strong you really are. 

Since depression can be very debilitating, I encourage you to seek out professional help as soon as you can. I realize that you don't have a job right now, which is very limiting. Perhaps there are referrals at free clinics that might be able to help? Also, schools that train psychotherapists may offer free/low cost counseling (with supervision, of course). Another great resource might be a local suicide hotline. Besides having trained volunteers who will listen when you feel very down, those organizations have access to information (where, who, how) that can really help, even if you don't feel suicidal at the moment.

Keep telling your story. Let it out. It helps to see in print what you've been through, and where you want to go.

heartandwhole

I made the stupid mistake of trying again to be with my ex as I'm so lonely but I'm afraid a new relationship will be as bad. But my ex has really shocked me. We had sex as its always the first thing he wan'ts, I'm equally to blame because I didn't think it would be a problem. Most people enjoy sex and I thought with a Man I already know is safe. Well now I'm feeling very angry with myself for being so trusting of a Man who has already hurt me before and all my efforts to distance myself are weak and I must have more than depression keeping me being insecure and going near him. We had sex but he actually secretly videos it with his Ipad hidden in his wardrobe. He showed it to me, laughing about it ! I'm in shock that he would do this. I managed to convince him to give me the Ipad and i Deleted the Video and several  Photo's of me naked that I also didnt realise he had. One when getting dressed and one from behind when in bed naked that shows a very distinct tattoo that I have. What the hell is he doing and why can't I just be strong and get away instead of feeling sorry when he tells me how he is once again F----- over by a woman, me, who he has given everything to and now has nothing.