BPDFamily.com

My husband hasn't officially been diagnosed with BPD but through research and a few psychology courses at college, I feel this is what he suffers from.

I made a mistake early in our marriage and continued to talk to an "ex". Husband found out before anything happened other than some flirtatious texting. After he found out, I cut off all ties.  This happened about 5 months ago, and he keeps telling me he's past it.  It takes very small things to set him off, and of course the "incident" always comes back up.  Until something triggers his outburst, he would say that I'm the best wife in the world, but then when triggered, I'm a horrible person who hurt him tremendously that doesn't love him, saying I'm selfish, that I only think of myself. 

Even when we're not arguing he is always asking me ":)o you really love me?"  The answer to that is yes... .I love him dearly. It would really help to talk to someone who is going through something similar.  I need to learn to cope with this, and to learn to communicate with him in a way that won't set him off.   

Hello IMatWitsEnd,

*welcome*

Sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having in your marriage, it's a very familiar story here.  You have found the right place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  You are not alone in the challenges you face which will be very evident if you look through the stories shared by others.  One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  It's reassuring to see that you comprehend you may need to modify your communication.  To the right of this page you will see the basic tools, this will help give you some fundamentals you may begin to use to help improve your situation.  Just like anything else, it takes practice and patience, so don't get too frustrated with yourself if you feel like you make a wrong move along the way.  We all have I can assure you! 
Have you thought about seeking out a therapist to help guide you along the way?  Many here have found a good professional a very helpful in their journey. 
I personally found that sharing here was very therapeutic, consequently, the more I shared the more I got in return.  Feel free to post anything... .questions, how you are feeling etc.  You've found the right place.   

From other people's comments, here's something to try when this happens: empathise and say "Yes I'm sorry - I know that hurt you a lot". Acknowledge his pain - people have said this quite often "stumps" their partners.