BPDFamily.com

Hi

For anyone who hasn't read what I've written before, gf seems to have BPD/HPD yada yada yada... .considered what i would strongly call cheating, i left her... .half baked admittance of problem ( I'm the one with BPD not her now!)... .and so NC hasn't gone so well.

NC been broken 3 times. Mainly because I'm worried, selfish and miss her.

Somehow the sex is (usually) even better... .although somewhat 'dead'. It's almost like she was holding some kinky stuff back just for the make  up stuff to get back with me

Still no proper communication. She stayed the night (no sex... .which I think pissed her off even more)... .wanted to say goodbye properly and wish her all the best but she didn't want to know... .preferred to start drinking instead first thing in the morning.

Anyway, I was always perplexed by the lack of anger and bitterness missing from her, especially considering this to be a trait of BPD? But yeah, it's starting to show now... .towards me. Whether that's because she knows I have to stay away from her for both our mental safety, i don't know.

My main issue/problem/hurt is that I know that her best way of coping now would be to go out and start shagging about with strangers for that HPD pick up. I know I shouldn't care, but It's tough when I still love and worry about her so much. How do other's cope with this? Any comments?

Cheers.

P.s she has BPD clinically confirmed(according to her) and wants me to forgive and help her... .without showing any remorse... .red flags?

Hi butters 

Interesting phrasing. Know that many of us here have been subject to cheating behaviours by our partners / exs. Being cheated on can feel terrible. It sucks.

Sometimes sex is used to bandage pain. The more painful things are, the greater the numbing effect may seem to feel.

Yes, sometimes pwBPDs use pursuit of sex and attention as a means of escaping their pain. It seems to feel confusing when you think you shouldn't care when you still worry about someone.

Does it makes sense that you shouldn't care?

I think it makes sense that if one person feels love toward someone, they care about their safety.

When we move away from judging what we should and shouldn't feel, it may then lead you to ask what it is that you love about her. Then what is it that you don't?

One way to cope is to step back and look at her as a total person. Try not to focus on the sex. If you do find yourself drifting here (it's common, it's okay)--recall that after the sex you have x hours until the next tantrum. I'd ask you to consider that healthy relationships don't look like that--if it's really a healthy relationship you want to pursue.

Well, I think red flags differ from person to person. Yes, dx of BPD / mental illness is a red flag immediately to some. Yes, forgiveness and pursuit of large amounts of help without seeing it as a burden on others, or seeing it as unhealthy, this can also be a red flag.

I think what might be helpful to you are beliefs that may be causing you to stick here. Which of these 10 beliefs (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality) are relevant to you?

The other thing that may help you with the conflicts are the steps of detachment on the right. The beauty of Acknowledgement (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm), for example, is that your issue may be simply addressing what you want, and seeing what you can do to get that. Some people find that it may not be what you want after all.

Whatever your outcome from the process, I encourage you to be kind to yourself in the process. It helps.  :)