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My excuse for not taking responsibility for my life is that if I failed, I could blame my  BPD/NPD ex...

If I was unhappy I could blame her too.

She was a convenient excuse

Can you be honest? What is your excuse?

My job now is to take ownership of my life, one day at a time. What I focus on gets better. Daily efforts to built a great life are the best way to guarantee a great life.

My excuse for not taking responsibility for my life is that if I failed, I never really tried my hardest anyway.

If I was unhappy I could blame other people.

She was my project to fix in the hope she would love me

My job now is to take ownership of my life, one day, one day at a time. What I focus on gets better. Daily efforts to built a great life are the best way to guarantee a great life.

Hi Butters. Thanks for your response. Where do you think that need to fix or to rescue came from? How can you use this knowledge to build a great future?

My excuse is that by being with someone who seemingly had more problems and weaknesses then me, i didn't have to look into my own issues where i needed growth in.

If i was unhappy, i could blame it on her moods or her taking distance, or her need to control.

She was the person of which i expected she would forgive all my own crap and still adore me, while i wanted to stay in denial.

My job now is to take full ownership of my life, one day at a time. I have to lead myself and my kids back to a fullfilling life. For that i will need to develop more structure and planning.

I've never been in a relationship with this person, but I suppose I need an excuse for trying to maintain friendship.

I suppose there are 4 reasons:

That I was fond of this person for a long time for reasons of who they are underneath, before they turned on the charm to draw me closer. I'm still hopeful they backed off in time - they knew the limitations of their condition re relationships - to regain that friendship.

I worked out the underlying cause and that there is treatment. This seemed to be new info for them so it's recent enough they might take that route, and I have said I'll support them if they do.

We share the same main hobby and if I am going to bump into them it's going to be far easier if we are on good terms.

In the short time since their condition became apparent, they haven't shown particularly bad symptoms. If I hadn't been drawn in to feel more than friendship, their comparatively slight mood swings and unpredictability probably wouldn't bother me.

Having said all that, not knowing how they would respond to me on different occasions made me feel insecure and depressed. And I am in the process of trying to back away from them without any dramatic gestures. They got closer when my health was a bit low. Then various friends and pets died or got seriously ill. I'm doing what I can to expand social life and interests despite these things. Quite honestly, I'm not sure how much of the being low and depressed is down to this person, and how much to other things which coincided. I'm glad that a few close friends know the details of our interactions, and have assured me that my behaviour, whether or not in response to his, is not at fault.

I've never blamed my ex, if anything I think that she was a wake-up call, really strong medicine. I didn't realize that until i had some adequate time and distance to heal and self reflect, I mean the dysfunction in the r/s from both sides and she was really abusive. I didn't know what emotional abuse looked like but I stayed with her anyway, I don't think that it's easy to break away when you have a family. I was avoidant and not taking inventory with the good and the bad, I am positive person but I looked away and to me it was some magical thinking where I was hoping somehow things are going to fix itself that was an eye opener.

I feel like I'm doing a TERRIBLE job at that right now. Not sure I know my excuse, but I'll try.

My excuse is that while spending 20+ years married to my wife, I never had to decide what a great life for myself looked like. Instead I let her come up with thousands of ideas, fantasies, and dreams for herself and for us... .and all I had to do was say "no" or "yes" to hers.

Somewhere along the way I forgot how to make my own choices.

That feels very familiar! I don't remember saying many "no"s. Of course I regularly break her rules now :)

I think my cardinal sin in her eyes, was having my own ambitions beyond hers. I think it's very healthy

similar to mutt, i didnt know what i didnt know, and that included how to really take responsibility of my life.

once i knew, i was out of excuses :)

My wife could come up with enough dreams and projects in a day to keep an overachiever busy for a month. Many of which were completely impractical/impossible. There were plenty of "no's". (It was a codependent mess--I didn't have to come up with ideas, and she didn't have to reject the unfeasible ones; we both "won"  :)   )

She said she wanted me to have my own ambitions and dreams. But she mostly seemed to be encouraging me only when she had one of her own she wanted to pursue without me, and she kinda pushed/guilted me that I "should" do something on my own or should want to... .so she didn't have to reject me and tell me directly that I was unwanted while she was going off at something.

Generally any dream, interest, or ambition I did find seemed to get in the way of what she wanted sooner or later, and the control battles started.

Anyhow, since we've separated I've struggled to find my own direction, sometimes with a little success, other times not so much. This fall it hasn't been good.

Why GK? what do you think is getting in the way?

Well, two things come to mind:

One is a bit of a vicious circle: Kinda depressed => not doing much => still kinda depressed => (repeat)

The other is that when I first was separated, I had some goals/projects I had been working on already, and even though they were ones I planned to share with my wife, I was able to continue on my own. Anyhow, this fall, I had already accomplished most of it, and continuing on didn't really catch my interest. (Hmmm... .perhaps because I was kinda depressed... .)

In addition, being "stuck" like this isn't hurting anybody but myself, and it really isn't costing me other than the wasted time. I'm pretty sure that real consequences (besides another month of my life going away!) would push me pretty effectively.

Hey GK,

That's tough. I remember reading somewhere on the site that many of us are running on empty after extended periods of stress. BPD has its way of taking its toll on those around it.

Have you read this?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts

Do you think it might be a winter thing?

What are some steps you can take to get unstuck?

I don't blame her for my pursuit of her all of these years. It was my decision to get to know her and my decision to ignore the warning signs for so long. Love CAN blind you.  I knew she had issues but I thought I could help her with them or in time she would grow out of it.  I... just saw someone that I had a lot in common with.

 At least in the beginning  we had a lot of the same interests. For a time it was great but later I saw the BPD traits surface. I didn't know what it was and I didn't understand what was going on back then.  Over the years we broke up 2 or 3 times but I always came back. So I was the catalyst not her. I'm a glutton for punishment I guess.

I just wish I was a bit more prudent back then. But one can't erase the past.  Why did I fall for her and put up with her for so long? Poor self esteem and loneliness. Years ago I had a lot less self confidence that I do now. Then again it's not great now. Crazy or not I just thought she was the one , a diamond in the rough.

She was being abusive even before I realized she was being abusive. I feel like I'm starting over again and I don't quite know what to do. It's strange... I'm depressed and angry but at the same time I feel freer than I have in a very long time.

I was not married to someone with BPD (here because my SO has an uBPDxw) but I was in a dysfunctional codependent marriage to an alcoholic and relate to this question.

I married my ex for the wrong reasons in the first place... .to prove different things to different people and to myself.  That someone would commit to me (didn't really matter who just that someone would).  I also saw someone I could rescue.

Because he was an alcoholic I got to have control, I got to be the one that had it all together, I got someone to blame.  I got someone to use as a tool to make myself feel better about myself to build up my low self-esteem.

Panda39

Hi Panda. Thanks for sharing. This is a particularly honest response - I can relate!

Am I depressed? Yes, I am. It is somewhat situational (not seasonal). I've just fallen into a place where I'm lonely and isolated, and I'm too extroverted to thrive that way. It isn't new to me--This one is a bit longer than usual, but not deeper depression than usual.

I don't get suicidal. I don't even get where I cannot function or perform. I'm pretty sure that I'm not at a point where antidepressants would help me, etc.

But with what is going on in my life today, I can get away with wallowing around stuck for a while without any real consequences to me or anybody else... .and I am.

I've been here before. I've climbed out of it before. I know the sort of things to do that help me get out of it. I've taken one or two steps a couple times this fall... .including one today.