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Title: I have learned... Post by: Shedd on December 11, 2016, 04:51:29 AM I have learned that I am a natural caretaker. I'm not sure what you call this, but I feel like I have a natural (savior) instinct. Being with a BPD partner made me feel like I had a belonging, a sense of place. I wanted to help her in many ways that I just couldn't. I always thought I was the most understanding person, and do whatever it took to help her, but was I really helping? Sometimes I realize I should have done the opposite and be harder on her. Yes, she probably would have been upset, but it probably would have helped her better in the long run and made it more of a challenge for her to stay with me.
I think we give away so much of ourselves for them and it's not fun for them anymore so they leave. They want a challenge and they want to know that you are a strong person that can take care of them. I hope my learnings can help anyone out there struggling on this. Title: Re: I have learned... Post by: purekalm on December 24, 2016, 09:42:19 AM Hello burnerin,
I am too, partly because of the role I was forced into as a child and partly because it's just my nature to want others to be happy. It gets to be extreme when we start sacrificing way too much to do that though and it's easy to in a situation with a BPD. In my husband's case, he was king of push and pull. He didn't want me around if I was loving, but if I was unavailable or doing my own thing and didn't need him he became needy until I would be like "oh, he does love me and want me around" and then when I would try to be around him or do more for him he would reject me again. It was a crazy cycle within other crazy cycles and even when I was aware of it I would sit back and wonder if there was any possible way I could make this work? lol He wanted me to leave him alone but was jealous and scared that I could do just fine on my own. I don't think anything I had done would have made it work. I had seven years of trying everything I could. It all comes down to it was just me, and he did nothing. I don't want to be with someone who isn't going to work with me but purposely work against me. I feel you, thanks for posting. =) Title: Re: I have learned... Post by: Grey Kitty on December 26, 2016, 05:48:01 PM Can you see how this is a good and admirable part of yourself?
You are compassionate. You care about people. You want to help people. This is one of the best parts of yourself. Don't shut it down. Instead pay attention to what you DO in response to those feelings and desires. Chances are, that is where you cause problems for both yourself and your partner... . Can you see the line there, and what things you want to change? |