BPDFamily.com

Weekend started off really rough.
Got a text from my wife on Saturday afternoon saying - I'm out shopping for Christmas and I just can't do this... .everyone is happy shopping, and I don't even want to do anything. I'm just miserable with you at home.  Please just leave the house - find an apartment.  Can't go on feeling like we are faking this happy family, etc.

I replied basically:
I hear that you are really sad... .being out shopping and seeing happy people must be extremely painful when thinking about all the dysfunction between us. I'm sorry.
Right now I'm having 1:1 time with (S10), but let's talk about it when you get back.
(no reply from her)
She came home an hour later and brought some xmas lights to the living room for unwrap and asked if we wanted to help string them up.   :)

Later that night, she opened up to me about at lot of the pain she is feeling.  I started off making some mistakes - making excuses - disagreeing... .  then sensed she was shutting down... .mentally stepped back, and reoriented towards listening and validating... .  made a huge difference.  Got a text from her first thing this morning saying thank you for listening and validating me last night.

>>>>>>

We had another long talk this evening about specific things we can both work on to improve the relationship.
Conversation was going very smooth for an hour or so.  Again, working on listening, validating, etc.

Then we started talking about Christmas vacation and I shared that I was wanting to take a road trip.
She started saying - well, you should have budgeted for this, and talked with me about this a month ago.
I said - yes, I did bring it up about 3 or so weeks back, remember, and you shut it down saying we don't have any money.
She said - yes, we don't.
I said - I actually very specifically outlined that I had some money from an extra job coming in, that would allow us to do the trip. Remember the email that you replied to saying "thank you for working through the budget and sharing this?"
She said - "Well, I didn't read through all of the details... .   this conversation is starting to get me upset"
I said "Well, if you want to get upset, that is your choice, but I'm just sharing that you asked me to do something, and I did it." (and kind of smiled when i said it - not a jerky smile, but just a subtle smile of calm confidence.)
>>>She actually kind of jerked her head back in a bit of surprise and then smiled and said " OK, good job on standing up to me and calling me out."    (WOW! JUST WOW!)

That convo could have really quickly turned south, and I probably wouldn't have pushed on correcting her had she not been in a good mood... .   but that good mood came because of the listening and validating techniques I have been learning here.  Thanks to the board, and the members here!  Big step forward today.

I love it when that kind of thing happens.

I'm sure others may disagree with me. (What I eventually get to.)  Sounds like you did ok staying calm and mindful and such, so certainly reason to commend yourself.

I'd caution you to not get tied into the outcome of her reaction.

Sometimes we may do fantastic staying calm and mindful and using some tools, and our SO may have a worse reaction.  This does not mean we failed in tool use, it can actually mean we did well but are experiencing an extinction burts.

Sometimes we are calm, respond well, and well, our SO does react well, or does not react well.

To gauge your success on tool use by looking at SO reaction may cause some poor feedback to you regarding tool use.

Imo, better to instead look inside... .
Of yourself
Did tool use help you to stay in touch with your own experience, values, feelings?
Or did you instead get caught up in the reaction it caused or didn't cause?

Staying calm and in touch with oneself and ones own experience, remaining an observer vs reactor, is my personal goal with tool use.

Idk, maybe another wants to chime in to express things better, a bit tricky imo.
... .
I think maybe the general idea is not for using tools to change a SO mood or response.  More is to behave in a way that does not contribute to SO difficulties of managing emotions.  The tools allow you a way to communicate and leave them to manage themself.  Sometimes, this MAY allow them to manage themself and focus on themself.  Other times, you did your best, and well, they still cannot "sit" with themself and will make it about you even when it may not be.  Yet the tools are there to provide SO opportunity.  Sometimes they can handle it, sometimes not.  Yet, this is on them, not us.  We cannot manage their emotional regulation for them without contributing to their inability to soothe and manage themselves.

Really good points here, and really good feedback.  Love it and a good reminder.  Thanks for sharing.