BPDFamily.com

one year anniversary since the break up... .

Perhaps it's time for some conclusion and your insights:

1. time heals, no contact or very low contact helps a lot
2. my replacement (in just one month) was very painful at the begining; but NOW I understand it's not a question of love but just a question of attachment and her impossibility to be alone.
3. every situation we lived here is different, but how many similarities in our stories; about her: huge ego concerns, unhappiness, conflicts with whoever she (he) is close to, victimization, my idealization, neediness, clingyness. About me, boredom before meeting her, ego boost, a lot of fun, adrenalin and oxytocin... .and probably some feelings between love and attachment too.
4. she doesn't trust me anymore (I left); I do not trust her any more (IMHO too many lies and manipulation), so friendship is also impossible
5. we still have a few contact (email or texting) but it's always disappointing: she writes/I reply but if I ask something I get no answer; I write/she doesn't reply. Definitively one-sided.
6. the solution is in me, but it's very difficult to (re)create a whole new life
Perhaps I loved to much this mixture of high drama and ecstasy

Hi pgri,

Good inventory. I remember when you joined  bpdfamily. I can't believe it has been a year! It sounds like you are doing well, and exploring the reasons why this relationship had such a hold on you.

I can relate, as I was also in a "down" state before I met pwBPD. I didn't even realize it, but looking back I can see it.


I know what you mean, and it seems I have decided that I don't have time for one-sided connections anymore. Life is too short. Why do you think you are continuing with this unsatisfactory communication? (not saying it's wrong, just wondering what you are getting out of it).  :)

I hear you. What has been the most difficult so far?


I think a lot of us were in that boat.  |iiii  Nothing wrong with drama and ecstasy when we are fresh in love, but, with time and inner work, you may find that you are not as attached  to those highs as you were before—you might want something different. Everyone is unique, of course, but this has been my experience so far.

heartandwhole

Thank You for your reply Heartandwhole... .

Why (very) low contact (every 6-8 weeks)?

-an overlapping circle of friends and colleagues; when we broke up I didn't want to give any information about her behavior or my motivation to leave. I'm still more or less the bad guy who left a poor girl who loved me so much. Some guilt and how I'm perceived by them; ego concern probably
- curiosity (not a fair reason): how is the new caretaker succeeding to manage the situation
- residual caretaking: It's still difficult for me to end a situation when she was the center of my universe. I know she is not happy, so an email is a very small positive sign that the whole universe is not against her.

But I have strict boundaries now (I can say no without feeling guilty or responsible) and the tendency is towards less and less contact.

What has been the most difficult so far?

1. the loss of intimacy: I had someone who told me everything (false or true) and I had a confident I could tell everything too. We acted together as we were one
2. I acted with her just the opposite I normally act: I'm an introvert, I'm shy, I don't take risks, I think a lot. So she gave me the opportunity to release the hidden aspects of my personality. 

Hope?

I know that such a level of highs and lows is not sustainable. I learn to like a more ordinary life, to live NOW not in the future, I learn alot about mindfulness.

Hey pgr

I too am an introvert, I have learned that we are who we are and change is difficult; I believe it is fine to be an introvert, extrovert, in between, so long as we are accepting of who we are. We have learned that it isn't healthy to be too high or low.
The real painful process is learning why we accepted what we did and stayed with our PWBPD, while trying so hard to make it work. The gift though is that we figure out what needs fixing so we can respect ourselves enough to only be with someone who treats us the way we treat them.

Isn't it amazing the things we learn about ourselves one year or more later?
Thank you for sharing your insight.

One thing you posted really hit me. The one-sidedness of the BPD relationship. This is EXACTLY how my ex treats the exes who still engage with her.

While I craved contact for a very long time, I relish in thinking I may never get contact and that's a very good thing. My ex's exes have enabled her behavior and she shyts all over them at will and they take it, just to keep contact with her while she rubs her newest "love of my life" in their faces.

I am much stronger emotionally than I was two years ago and a completely different person than I was four years ago. I am thriving in my career and making things happen in my life. Had my ex still been in it, I'd be 200lbs heavier, depressed and a recluse.

This is a wonderful post-- thank you so much for returning and for sharing your lessons. So much of it resonates with me.

This in particular, is very much true of my limited context with my ex:

5. we still have a few contact (email or texting) but it's always disappointing: she writes/I reply but if I ask something I get no answer; I write/she doesn't reply. Definitively one-sided.