BPDFamily.com

Hello,
I'm not a BPD but was in a relationship with someone who is. Long story short, we had met online many years ago and almost 3 years ago we got really close. We pretty much became best friends and eventually feelings evolved. We got in a long distance relationship and a few months into it she told me she has a mental disorder (not fully diagnosed as BPD at the moment). I stood by her and later learned it was/is BPD. I thought I understood the disorder when I first read about it while still in the relationship and I tried to make things work the only way I knew how. Things started getting rough and this year (7 months ago) she broke up with me. Last time I saw her was messed up and for her it was a goodbye, while for me was all kinds of confusing. I know some of the things I did probably didn't help our relationship as I didn't know how to understand or how to react properly to some of our problems. When she left me she said she woke up one day and simply had no feelings for me, yet that last time I saw her for a moment is like she came back to me. She's now in a new relationship and literally cut all ties with me since 4 months ago... .blocked me on FB, blocked my number, etc. I love her and I tried for months of ways to make her realize that I wasn't going anywhere and that my love for her is real. I'm now trying to learn as much as I can and hopefully speak with people who can in a way relate to me. I promised her I would always be there for her and I intend to keep that promise because she means the world to me.
Anyone willing to talk or with any advice... .would she come back to me? What should I do? Any articles that might be helpful?
Thanks!

There are other people here who can explain this better than I can, but basically, while you were her friend, you were a safe person. Once in a relationship, or once she felt you were close emotionally, this will have triggered all sorts of negative feelings in her, and she will have transferred blame she felt towards people in her childhood - probably her parents - onto you. The condition is about blame - towards others - and shame - towards herself. If you got close and tried to reassure her she will have felt overwhelmed, if you backed away and gave her space she will have felt abandoned. She will most likely make you believe that this is your fault and if you'd got the balance right it would have been OK. But you couldn't have got it right. You might have prolonged it a bit but eventually she would have become disordered and emotionally dysregulated, with emotions she couldn't control or bear.
She will most likely repeat this cycle with more people. She may return to you, but it will almost certainly go wrong again.
It is the disorder, it is not you.

This is the "Saving" a relationship board, so we will give you the best advice we can for that objective. I would also suggest looking at some of the other boards as there may be another that is helpful.

Do I understand correctly that you were in a 12-18 month relationship that broke up 7 months ago and that your ex is in another relationship for the past 4 months and has cut ties with you?

Realistically, any relationship this "broken" is a long shot to "repair" and that is likely a long term thing at best (she would need to at least play out her current relationship and start rethinking you). The best thing you can do is learn better relationship skills (anything you learn for a BPD relationship will help you in any relationship) and build your life - become an attractive partner. You could stay lightly in touch with a friendly note every 4-6 months. Maybe she would reach back, maybe not.

How long are you willing to wait for her? Would you have other relationships while waiting?

I've known her for about 7 years and got in a relationship with her beginning of 2014. In 2015 she left me saying she knew she wasn't what I wanted but after a very long a heartfelt conversation we got back together until April of this year when she said she woke up one day and all her feelings for me were gone. I went to see her in May and the last day I was there she saw me in a state of being shut down that she had never seen me before. She reached out to me then, she held my hand, she hugged me, she kissed me, etc. It was like for that period of time she could see me and she did have some feelings left. I knew deep down she could understand and see me but she wouldn't act any different. In June was when she decided it was best to delete me and cut me off completely. So since June, July I have reached out to her a few times but never received an answer back from her. In September I randomly got a 'tap' from her on my Apple Watch but when I reached out to her the same thing, no answer.

When I was her friend I was a safe place for her. I noticed things started going downhill the moment she felt like I broke her trust, although she knew well what I would be doing and how. Before getting with her I didn't know she was BPD and while she told me already being in a relationship I had no clue what BPD was. I knew it was real and it could be difficult but had no clue. I tried learning as we went but I didn't know my own limits until they were crossed. Our relationship crashed and burned hard but I know I still might not be indifferent to her. Although she has me blocked in social media and her phone I do know she has unblocked me a few times and after a day or 2 blocks me again. In her instagram it wasn't until 3 weeks ago that she deleted the pictures she had of us so that tells me her relationship might be about a  month old if that. Same with unblocking me from Facebook happened about around the week of Halloween and hasn't unblocked me since.

I did send her a few long emails explaining some things to her that I had realized looking back and some things that I know now were triggering more than anything else. She only answered to 2 of those emails only saying she's with someone else. As if that's all she wants me to know. The last message I told her was that I wouldn't be going there for Xmas as I originally had planned because it would be hurtful for me and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable by her knowing I'd be in town. I also told her that I have to respect that she's in a relationship so I'd back off but if she ever needed me I'd be there for her.

I'm the only person she has when it comes to knowing about her BPD, I know her and she didn't even tell her parents. I had to be the one to tell them behind her back in one of those moments she was being suicidal. I had to tell them to keep her safe and what had happened that put her in that place. When we were together she wanted to get help and learn for me and for us so I know that she had looked up to me for the longest time.

I would wait for her whatever amount of time it takes. This girl is not only the love of my life but is the only person that has ever known every bit of the person I am today. Our bond, our connection was really strong and in more ways than other we taught each other things. I would love to be there for her the rest of her life if she lets me. I don't think anyone deserves to be alone and knowing her she won't trust people with her BPD. She deserves someone that sticks around for her and doesn't leave like everyone else does.

Does she also feel this way? Does she see you as that person?

I know from her friend that she still has our pictures up on her facebook and when I last saw her she did say she would miss me. I think she knows I won't leave because I've tried so hard to be back in her life. When she left me in 2015 she stated her wanting me to be with someone who I loved everything about and she always thought of herself as not being that person. I also did tell her that I'd be here if she needed me and that I hope she comes back around on her own term. She's a very smart girl, one of the smartest people I've ever met so I think deep down she knows. I've been the only person in her life that has ever given her a sense like she does deserve to be happy.

So a little update on this... .I can confirm she met this new person a month ago and they've only been dating that long. They're in the honeymoon period telling each other I love you and stuff. She's saying this person has shown her what a "functional healthy relationship" is... .which only makes me think she is comparing what we had with this new relationship since this person and I have a lot of things we like in common. Something tells me that relationship is going to crash and burn soon because she's already liking sad things like "you'll get tired of me like everyone else", "you'll get annoyed of me", "talents: ruining things for myself", etc.

Every day since I registered I come here and I read posts and things become much clear to me. I don't blame her or myself for what happened anymore. I know now that we just dealt with it all wrong and I was naïve about the subject of BPD. I might have gone about her disorder all wrong with her and that only pushed her away.

I'm continuing now to have no contact whatsoever with her or her family. I'm now getting help to deal with my own demons and can only pray things turn out good for both of us.